Gel, Chrissy, et al,

I think I left the wrong impression with my morning wood statement. I don't expect her to make my condition the sign of her interest, although I can't imagine walking past her with hard nipples showing through her shirt without commenting. I know we show interest in different ways.

Someone asked how I'd like her to let me know she's interested. How about her sitting naked on the bathroom counter with one leg propped up rubbing her squishy bits saying, "I've been thinking about you all day?" {Now we'll return to reality.}

I don't really care what signal she gives. It's like Choc said, "It's the look in her eyes and felt in her kisses." I'm not the "do-it-my-way-or-else" guy that I come off as here on the BB.

I just don't know how to live "in between." I'm either all in or sitting out. The hardest place for me is to act like having sex too infrequently and without feeling wanted is ok. That's what leaves me open to the attention I get from other women and internet temptations. Thank God I don't have someone offering everyday to be my sex slave like Karen! I don't know what I'd do then.

It's easier for me to just seperate myself from it altogether. That's when my "give a da*n" breaks. Then I stop caring if I'm HD or not. At that point, the attention I get is irrelevant and sexual stimulation becomes simply a matter of biology. (I personally think MoJo's recently posted success came from her "give a da*n" breaking, too.) That's been a defensive manuever and has kept me from being the pig I could be.

I don't require her to talk dirty for me. If she was verbal when we did ML, that would help me, but it doesn't have to be what she thinks is dirty. I don't require her to be a gymnast in bed, either. I would like her to want some variety, but I guess everyone has their favorite ways of doing it no matter how many ways you try.

I've caught a lot of grief for afterward telling NG that the sex didn't really do it for me. I wasn't trying to say that she was lousy in bed, although that's what she heard, I was saying that she didn't have (or show me) that look in her eyes. I'm sure I could have said it better than I did, but it really was an attempt to stay engaged rather than withdraw from the game. I can't be a good guy by pretending that something is what it's not.

If she asked me if I wanted a BJ (or "goodnight kiss") that wouldn't do much for me. But if she said, she had been wanting to give me one, it would. If she said that she wanted me to "kiss her goodnight" or ride me into the sunset, that would do it, too, rather than asking if I wanted to.

My attempts at saying this have been dismal failures. I've caused a lot of hurt for NG. That I didn't intend to doesn't change the fact of the hurt. I just don't know how to communicate this. And, frankly, I don't know what good it will do if I ever get it across. Can you really make yourself "want" someone?

I want things to be great with NG. But my expressing my desire has failed so consistently that I'm tempted to have a Blackfoot moment in feeling unworthy of having something great with. It's much easier to leave my "give a da*n" broken.