Agreed BF. This really speaks to me. I do get into a rut feeling like I must do something, when in reality I should see it as a choice. When I view it as a choice, it can be positive/proactive/fun. When it is a "have to" situation, it is just work.
"stop reassuring. Let her earn it by her actions."
Agreed. Very hard principle for us doormat/low-self-esteem guys to internalize, but crucial for success.
"being yourself is expressing your feelings, your thoughts, being comfortable with it, and liking yourself still. In fact you can almost go so far as to say, NOT caring what the OP thinks of you, to the point that you change who you are."
Interesting. You have to border on being narcisstic in a way. Strong boundaries on who you are are essential to gaining respect, and ultimately love and intimacy with another. I can see Schnarch nodding in the background.
"You do in fact engage in this type of thinking and behavior here. It causes you to be so attractive, I have a hard time restraining myself from making declarations of my undying devotion and desire."
I'm not surprised. I am one hot dude. Men and women both constantly throw themselves at me. LOL
"OP feelings are NYJ. not your job. Apologizing for yourself is not accepting who you are. Doesnt allow OP to accept you either."
Dang you're racking them up. I do apologize for myself WAY too much. And I can see how if I don't accept myself, how is OP going to accept me. Ugh.
"Doing this (being yourself, setting boundaries, not apologizing) will cause conflict. It will create tension and probably even fights."
This is the key. My first step is overcoming my conflict avoidance. Then I won't fear the fight, can maintain my boundary, and build respect and intimacy. If only it took just words to make it true. But recognizing it is the first step. Gotta put it into action.
Thanks Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Again, so sorry for the delay. This may just be old news, but WTH.
Quote: No, no, no, no!!!!! I don't do residential design. Never have, never will. I absolutely hate those Trading Spaces types! I do commercial design. Think of it as Interior Architecture. Wall placement, lighting, finishes, etc.
OH NO!!!! You're one of those IKEA lovers. RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!!!! LOL
Quote: Precisely. All that science talk is really hot. That kind of “dirty talk” would be such a turn on in bed. “Tell me more Dr. Chromey…” (he he he)
ROTFLMAO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Hmmm, I wonder why there aren't more astrophysicists in porno movies. LOLOL!!!
Quote: I told him that his answer really scared me. How can he be so content and okay and I feel the exact opposite? So after saying that, he agreed that we need to see the MC.
VERY good. I had this exact convo with my W awhile back. She was content, I was straining to reach the stars. She was nesting while I wanted to see the world. This sort of conflict in world view can only naturally extend into bedroom dynamics. Good job eliciting that response and following it up with a plan for MC.
Quote: Last nights talk really made me realize something. I am extremely dependent on other people’s approval of me, especially H. I need a lot of verbal and/or non-verbal re-assurance. Re-assurance of what though? That I am loved, valued, desired. That it’s okay to have the feelings that I do. I guess I am so into pleasing people that I fear that if my feelings displease someone, they will not like/love me anymore.
Ummmm ... Ditto ... to the 20th power. Know exactly what you mean. But just like me, you MUST jettison that type of thinking. Only leads to problems, especially in your M.
Quote: Something else happened last night that is a first. H asked me if I would like OS…go figure. It was great. It was really passionate and tender at the same time. For the first time in many years I really felt an EC between the two of us.
Bravo, bravissimo ... encore, encore LOL
Again, hope this wasn't so out of date to be ridiculous. Still catching up.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I wonder chrome if you find watersports and scat to be part of a healthy marriage?
because according to this website...it's ok between a man and his wife as long as no one objects!!!
I highly doubt god intended us to go around and poop on our wives for sexual pleasure. There is so much deviance out there that seems to go on unchalleneged, just because the bible doesn't state otherwise. People that engage in deviant behaviour are sick, and THEY should be the ones going the therapy.
Quote: Scat: Because feces is bacterially unclean, defecation as a part of sex is unwise for medical reasons.
Watersports: Urine is normally sterile, so there are no medical issues. On the other hand, there is no good evidence that urine has inherently biological reasons for being sexual or sexually simulating, so it's likely that this is usually, if not always, a fetish. In addition, most people would see this as degrading to the person being urinated on.
In both cases, they are making the point that these behaviors are unwise, and not in line with biblical principles as far as keeping the body clean and healthy. They state elsewhere that fetishes (both of which these are) are also not Biblical, as they cause the person to focus on the object and not the person.
So, how is it that you read this website and came to the conclusion that it promotes watersports and scat, when it clearly does not?
"People that engage in deviant behaviour are sick, and THEY should be the ones going the therapy."
What is deviant behavior? Who gets to define it? You? Your church pastor? Do you have any "deviant" behavior in your life (not necessarily sexual)? Think carefully about that one before you answer. Should you be in therapy for this behavior?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
We are to abstain from immoral sex. The Bible indicates the following are sin: fornication/unmarried sex (Ga 5:19, 1 Co 7:2 & 36)
adultery (Ex 20:14, Mt 5:27)
homosexuality (Le 18:22 , Ro 1:26-27)
bestiality (Le 18:23 & 20:15-16)
prostitution (Le 19:29, De 23:17, Pr 23:27, 1 Co 6:15-16)
incest (Le 18:6)
We are to have sex only in marriage; one man with one woman. (Mt 19:4-5, 1 Ti 3:2 & 12)
We are to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse. (1 Co 7:3-5)
The preceding are all direct Biblical commands. In addition there are requirements set out for us as believers, and as husbands and wives, which add the following restrictions:
Love for our spouse, and respect for the bodies and minds God created, requires us to avoid anything which can cause serious problems: (Eph 5:29 & 33, 1 Co 6:19)
physically
medically
emotionally
mentally
spiritually
relationally
We should never push our spouse to compromise their beliefs. (Ro 14:1 & 14 & 23)
We are not to be controlled by anything. (1 Co 6:12 & 10:23)
There is nothing in these principles that mentions fetishes. Any mention of fetishes is done so by the owner of the website and therefore has no biblical citation to back itself up.
It is hypocritical to say on one hand - "There is no mention of anal sex in the bible therefore we can conclude that it is not frowned upon" and follow that up with "fetishes...although not mentioned in the bible are harmlful we feel and should be dealt with through therapy" The webmaster even states "we feel a fetish violates this scriptural principle" He is putting his own twist in the bible to satisfy his own sexual deviancy while criticizing others.
Quote: We are not to be controlled by anything. (1 Co 6:12 & 10:23)
There is nothing in these principles that mentions fetishes. Any mention of fetishes is done so by the owner of the website and therefore has no biblical citation to back itself up.
Those two statments are contradictory. What is a fetish but something that "controls you?" Or do you think the exact word has to be used or else it is not Biblical? Let me remind you that pastors and preachers put their own spin on what the Bible says every Sunday morning in every church in america.
"It is hypocritical to say on one hand - "There is no mention of anal sex in the bible therefore we can conclude that it is not frowned upon" and follow that up with "fetishes...although not mentioned in the bible are harmlful we feel and should be dealt with through therapy" The webmaster even states "we feel a fetish violates this scriptural principle" He is putting his own twist in the bible to satisfy his own sexual deviancy while criticizing others."
You are assuming that anal sex is a fetish, where I don't see that it has to be, any more than oral sex is a fetish. Just because something is not directly related to procreation does not make it a fetish. It is a fetish when it is required to have sex. People who engage in watersports and scat pretty much need that for arousal (I could be wrong about that, I'm not a sex expert by any means). However, many people just find anal sex pleasurable (not me BTW) and use it as an option in the bedroom.
Again I say, show me a pastor or preacher that doesn't put their own twist on the Bible. Everyone does it. Its just some people think that because they agree with a particular pastor or POV that that particluar POV is the "inerrant word of the Bible." If there is one and only one correct view of Biblical teachings, God sure hid it well because there sure is a lot of disagreement about what it is.
Sorry folks about getting off-topic for this board. But I guess it does have some bearing on SSMs. I think there are a fair number of SSMs that have religious repression to blame.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
No....a fetish is no more "something that controls you" then the urge to have sex is when you're horny. I have never come across any literature that claims that a person with a fetish can't acheive orgasm because he/she didn't engage in their fetish of choice. Therefore, they aren't controlled by it...that's just their preferred method of sexual activity.
To say the bible speaks against incest is a contradiction of Gods words to go forth and multiply when he had only created two people. How do you think we have become the nation we are? Eve did not have all of us. No it would require them to multiply then then multiply again with there own off spring or there off spring multiplying with each other.
Adultry hmmm God gave man more then one wife within the words of the bible. Only woman were forbidden to have more then one spouse. So there goes the one man with one woman theroy.
We are to lovingly meet the legitimate sexual needs and wants of our spouse
How do you I or anyone know what was considered legitimate to God?
"There is no mention of anal sex in the bible therefore we can conclude that it is not frowned upon"
No we cannot nor can we conclude that it will be. Either way is a 50/50 guess. None of use truely know because it was not directly stated.
And truthfully the bible was written and rewritten by man stating there interpretation of Gods words and wants. We all interprete differently even if the words are the same. No one ever knows who is right or wrong and wont until judgement day.
You are quoting mans words not Gods. The ten commandments were Gods words and laws but again open to interpretation.
Thou shall not kill. God does not say what we will not kill. So every time we eat or kill that pesky fly did we just break a commandment?
Beliving in God is great. I do. But it is not a means to cloak your own personal beliefs likes and dislikes behind.
If you do not like oral sex if you do not believe sex should be as large a part of marriage or you think it is dirty that is you. God really did not define his thoughts on those subjects. So please state your opinons not what you think his are.
Sorry if I seem a bit rude. It really irks me to see people who think that because they believe in God and know the words of the bible that they can stand in judgement on issues God did not speak of.
Well, every dictionary I looked up in a 5 minute google search said that a fetish is something by which you have an abnormal attachment. So I would say that it something that "controls you" in a way that is unhealthy. You can make sex a fetish, which I think some people on this board may do, and it may be a root cause of their problems.
The marriage bed folks take the rather unambiguous position that anything you allow to control you to the point of screwing up the natural way of things (in their opinion based on their interpretation of the Bible) is wrong. That is their opinion, and one I happen to agree with. I struggle with a fetish of sorts (more of a mental fantasy that I dwell on too much), and reading their site has really helped me start dealing with it.
And yes, many people with fetishes cannot acheive arousal or orgasm without the fetish in place. Of course, there are different levels of "fetishism" and thus different levels of control. Isn't life complex?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
