I am naturally a people pleaser type of person too.
I had to learn to be much more matter of fact with my husband. Believing his words.
Example when he was quiet I'd ask what's wrong? He'd say nothing. But I was just sure he was unhappy with me...so I'd try to do all kinds of things to make him say/do what I thought I needed him to do..and on an on.
Now I'll ask if something is on his mind or wrong or if he is just quiet. And whatever is his response I accept it. Don't look for warm fuzzies 24/7...accept what is and choose to be happy. But a good amount of talking went into that for both of us.
If I am in a happy mood and he is just sort of neutral..I don't let myself react to his mood. I don't need him to be happy for me to be happy. I express it much differently!!!! And that is ok...both ways.
ON another note...if a H thinks his W is unhappy then yes, that can be the ONLY thing that makes him unhappy. Sometimes women can be unhappy because they are looking for so many feelings. And I just think that can really make M difficult.
Nicky said,
"I am extremely dependent on other people’s approval of me, especially H. I need a lot of verbal and/or non-verbal re-assurance. Re-assurance of what though? That I am loved, valued, desired. That it’s okay to have the feelings that I do. I guess I am so into pleasing people that I fear that if my feelings displease someone, they will not like/love me anymore."
I can relate. I really had to work through that. And I have. I do what I know is the right thing to do, Nicky...if it doesn't make my H happy...well, ok. And if it does..great. But trying to please and then looking for approval will just wear a person out.
Several years back I decided that I'd do the kind and right thing for the sake of doing it (not that I always do..but it is my goal)...and not to get words or hugs or applause from my H or anyone. When I do..I take it as a gift...but get my satisfaction from inside of me.
It takes time to work through all of that and learn it. THe fact that you see what you are doing and the need for change is 50% of the way there!!! Go girl.
Awesome that you had a great time of communication (it is essetial to intimacy ...huh?...like what what said listening and understanding each other); sex and he agreed to MC. All good steps. That is great!
