"It's funny, I am reading everyone's post the past couple days (it's been kinda quiet, huh?) and everyone seems to be in a "blech" kinda mood, including me. Is the the alignment of the planets or something?!?!"
You are right, must be an equinox thing. Equinox is an equal mix, not too hot or cold. Hmmm ...
"So, I have been wanting to ask, what is your title? You have a PhD, right?"
I have a PhD in physics with a speciality in astrophysics. I studied active stars in grad school but now study star and planet formation. Cosmology is not my strongest area, but I can discuss most of the details at a level that many can understand. I am currently a tenure-track professor at a small college in the South.
"I was always interested in the arts, thus why I ended up with a degree in Interior Design."
OH NO!!!! You're not one of those HGTV "Trading Spaces" types. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY.
"The only technical skill I have is being able to cram 200 people into a space that was build for 100!!"
Hmmm, sounds relativistic to me. Using the Lorentz transformation for the spatial coordinate, it would require a relative speed of 260,000 km/s to achieve a length contraction of a factor of 2. Wow, impressive.
"I started out with my major being Art Therapy. Should have stayed with that. I think that would have been more my calling. I really wanted to work with autistic children. I guess it's never too late, right?"
No it isn't. I have several hedged bets in computer programming, woodworking, and others to fall back on. Plus I am thinking about becoming GIS certified soon, and maybe getting a commercial pilots license. While in Belize I entertained thoughts of getting SCUBA instructor certified. Its never too late to expand your horizons.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I am often guilty of trying to wing it and end up making it worse because I have to backtrack, placate, and supplicate when I flub up. There is something to say about being yourself, just opening up,
Chromo Reread the above please.
first you can open up.
I have too. I have too. I have too.
AHHHH!!!
No you choose to.
second you do NOT HAVE to back track, and-- (those other F attraction killer words). That is your feeling upon being not heard, denied, derided, or having your comments personalized. Say what you feel. Let her deal with her feelings about it. She can handle the responsibility of it. Listen to her responses. When they are true, (occasionally they are... ) make modifications through action. Proactive action will be appreciated.
stop reassuring. Let her earn it by her actions.
There is something to say about being yourself
yes there is. Its very attractive.
being yourself is expressing your feelings, your thoughts, being comfortable with it, and liking yourself still. In fact you can almost go so far as to say, NOT caring what the OP thinks of you, to the point that you change who you are.
You do in fact engage in this type of thinking and behavior here. It causes you to be so attractive, I have a hard time restraining myself from making declarations of my undying devotion and desire.
ROTFLMAO. <sigh> moving on...
OP feelings are NYJ. not your job. Apologizing for yourself is not accepting who you are. Doesnt allow OP to accept you either.
Doing this (being yourself, setting boundaries, not apologizing) will cause conflict. It will create tension and probably even fights. The sky will not fall down. It is in fact a good thing. As long as you dont backtrack. Be sure of your boundary, and set it.
"OH NO!!!! You're not one of those HGTV "Trading Spaces" types. AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY."
No, no, no, no!!!!! I don't do residential design. Never have, never will. I absolutely hate those Trading Spaces types! I do commercial design. Think of it as Interior Architecture. Wall placement, lighting, finishes, etc.
"Hmmm, sounds relativistic to me. Using the Lorentz transformation for the spatial coordinate, it would require a relative speed of 260,000 km/s to achieve a length contraction of a factor of 2."
Precisely. All that science talk is really hot. That kind of “dirty talk” would be such a turn on in bed. “Tell me more Dr. Chromey…” (he he he)
So, we had the big MC talk last night. It went pretty well. After a lot of talking and crying (all me) he agreed to go with me.
The biggest thing that I got out of our talk last night was that the only thing in our R that he is unhappy about is that I am unhappy. I asked him if I said that I was happy – or didn’t say that I was unhappy – would he think we had a great relationship and be content and happy. He said yes, he is fulfilled with the way things are. He said that maybe he could be happier if some of the things I mentioned changed (more family and couple time), but if they didn’t happen he’d be fine too. I told him that his answer really scared me. How can he be so content and okay and I feel the exact opposite? So after saying that, he agreed that we need to see the MC.
Last nights talk really made me realize something. I am extremely dependent on other people’s approval of me, especially H. I need a lot of verbal and/or non-verbal re-assurance. Re-assurance of what though? That I am loved, valued, desired. That it’s okay to have the feelings that I do. I guess I am so into pleasing people that I fear that if my feelings displease someone, they will not like/love me anymore.
Something else happened last night that is a first. H asked me if I would like OS…go figure. It was great. It was really passionate and tender at the same time. For the first time in many years I really felt an EC between the two of us.
So, now we just wait and see what happened at MC Monday. We are in a good place. I am so happy is willing to go. Even though he doesn’t necessarily think we need to be there, he is finally willing to go because I need him to go. I think that is the kind of initiative that I needed to see from him. I will keep you posted!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
So glad your talk went so well. It is wonderful H is going with you to the C. I hope your session goes well.
The biggest thing that I got out of our talk last night was that the only thing in our R that he is unhappy about is that I am unhappy
That sounds like what my H says most of the time. Odd how it works that way. H never realized we had problems in our marriage until I wanted to leave two years ago. I could never figure out and still cannot how one person can be falling apart and the other be in happy camper land in the same relationship. But then I cannot understand how one person can get EC from sex when the other person does not either. Logic would say it takes two to create that connection. But heck I don't think relationships follow the laws of logic lol.
I guess it all boils down to what makes us happy as individuals and what we need in a relationship as individuals. Like you said you long for romance I guess if romance is not as important to your H as stablity then he could feel your relationship has that and is content while you feel your relationship lacks because romance is important to you. And you feel that the relationship lacks romance leaving you discontent. ah the mysteries of relationships.
I guess I am so into pleasing people that I fear that if my feelings displease someone, they will not like/love me anymore
I think this goes along the lines of exceptance Nicky, Sorta like with Gel and her H with his sexual side. It took him realizing she excepted all of him to make him feel stable enough in there relationship to be himself and open up to her. Sounds like you are afraid others wont except you as who you are. Because you do not think or feel the exact way you percieve they think you should. Do you know why you feel this way? Did something/someone in the past make you feel unexcepted because you did not agree with them in every way?
It was great. It was really passionate and tender at the same time. For the first time in many years I really felt an EC between the two of us.
Funny how something as simple as being able to open up and talk and be heard and listen to another can open so many doors. Communication I think is probably the biggest factor in a relationship. But it only works if both people are talking and both people are listening and trying to understand what the other is saying. I am glad you had this experience.
Even though he doesn’t necessarily think we need to be there, he is finally willing to go because I need him to go
Maybe once you get there he will better understand and see the need for C and the benifits it can give your relationship.
Hope you have a wonderful day! I am off to the doctors shortly so I guess I need to get dressed lol.
I am naturally a people pleaser type of person too.
I had to learn to be much more matter of fact with my husband. Believing his words.
Example when he was quiet I'd ask what's wrong? He'd say nothing. But I was just sure he was unhappy with me...so I'd try to do all kinds of things to make him say/do what I thought I needed him to do..and on an on.
Now I'll ask if something is on his mind or wrong or if he is just quiet. And whatever is his response I accept it. Don't look for warm fuzzies 24/7...accept what is and choose to be happy. But a good amount of talking went into that for both of us.
If I am in a happy mood and he is just sort of neutral..I don't let myself react to his mood. I don't need him to be happy for me to be happy. I express it much differently!!!! And that is ok...both ways.
ON another note...if a H thinks his W is unhappy then yes, that can be the ONLY thing that makes him unhappy. Sometimes women can be unhappy because they are looking for so many feelings. And I just think that can really make M difficult.
Nicky said,
"I am extremely dependent on other people’s approval of me, especially H. I need a lot of verbal and/or non-verbal re-assurance. Re-assurance of what though? That I am loved, valued, desired. That it’s okay to have the feelings that I do. I guess I am so into pleasing people that I fear that if my feelings displease someone, they will not like/love me anymore."
I can relate. I really had to work through that. And I have. I do what I know is the right thing to do, Nicky...if it doesn't make my H happy...well, ok. And if it does..great. But trying to please and then looking for approval will just wear a person out.
Several years back I decided that I'd do the kind and right thing for the sake of doing it (not that I always do..but it is my goal)...and not to get words or hugs or applause from my H or anyone. When I do..I take it as a gift...but get my satisfaction from inside of me.
It takes time to work through all of that and learn it. THe fact that you see what you are doing and the need for change is 50% of the way there!!! Go girl.
Awesome that you had a great time of communication (it is essetial to intimacy ...huh?...like what what said listening and understanding each other); sex and he agreed to MC. All good steps. That is great!
Well, it’s been awhile and I thought I’d post an update. H and I went to MC last Monday for the first time. H really liked the C, which is a plus. C helped us set some small boundaries, like agreeing on the number of nights H comes to bed (for now and gradually increasing) and agreeing to do more things that I suggest (like family time/couple time). So far, he’s held up his part of the “agreements”. H was a little surprised that C didn’t give me “homework”, other than keeping on H to make sure he keeps up his part of the bargain. I said, well, when you have an issue about something, I guess then she’ll give me something to work on too.
One of the most interesting parts of the whole session was when we were talking about the severity of my feelings and that H didn’t realize that I had been contemplating a separation. C asked H what would happen if I left, what would he do. He said that he’d have to fight to get me back. Wow. I wonder if that was an Ah-Ha moment for him.
The very odd thing is that now that we are ML on a weekly basis (1-2x/wk - no complaints on this much needed improvement!!), I thought we would have that EC outside the bedroom again. I am realizing that just because we ML it doesn’t necessarily mean a good EC. We will keep working on that.
Happy Monday, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Great news. This is progress! He is going to Counseling. That is huge...do you know that?
Things in the R will need to be worked on to get that EC back again. It may take time, but at least you are both taking steps. And you may take 2 forward and 1 backward...or in my case 2 forward and 3 backward...then 3 forward and 2 backward..and all kinds of scenarios!
But as long as you are changing to move forward that is so good! Thanks for letting us know.
Some men do not appreciate the though of having a BJ!!!! Count me as one of them. The teeth proximity and the possibility of germ transfersion. It can be pretty gross when you think about it. You should try just holding your husband, maybe he would respond better if you didn't act like such a hussy.
Quote: Some men do not appreciate the though of having a BJ!!!! Count me as one of them. The teeth proximity and the possibility of germ transfersion. It can be pretty gross when you think about it. You should try just holding your husband, maybe he would respond better if you didn't act like such a hussy.
Dude I loves me a good 'ol bj,nothing says I love you like SPLASH (Someone pass my wife a towel).It is nice to be held now and then,if only my wife were this way.She just always wants to humpiddy hump hump,and then roll over and go to sleep.I need affection as well,not just the hummina hummina,although I like it,likes it a lot!Women just are not as affectionate as they once were,I blame Barbara Bush.
That was an absolutely cruel way of getting your opinion across. She was not acting like a hussy...she is trying to find out what works for her H and what doesn't.
) make modifications through action. Proactive action will be appreciated. 