It amazes me sometimes how common this low self-esteem thing is, especially among women, and a lot of it boils down to "reductionism." You see yourself in such simple terms, most of them with negative connotations. You do need to look back at the Self-Esteem thread. Have you done any affirmations? I think if you really sat down and considered what is positive about yourself, you would realize the truth in what that man said to you. Hell, the words "intelligent", "considerate", "passionate", and "thoughtful" pop into my head right away.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
It is easy to only see the negatives in ourselves. But from my POV and your presense on the board I can tell you there are many great qualities you are over looking.
My mom always told me beauty is as beauty does. So stop measuring yourself from the outside and start doing so from the inside. A beautiful soul is much better then a false appearance. And I believe you will find you have a beautiful soul.
Thanks you guys. I really appreciate your compliments. I am humbled. In a weird way it’s hard to hear those positive things about yourself.
Okay Chrome, Here are my affirmations:
Daily Affirmations
I am a great mother. I am a great wife. I am passionate. I am generous. I am creative. I am intelligent. I am building a successful business. I have a great sense of humor. I am becoming a more attractive person. I am learning to be responsible for my own happiness.
I have also started re-reading “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” by Shad Helmstetter. It’s a great book. Helmstetter is awesome…I love reading his work.
I am thinking about bringing up MC to H tonight. He said we would talk about it one night this week. No better time than tonight, right? I HATE confrontation with H about our R. I feel like as soon as I start talking to him I loose all my words, get overly emotional and start crying. I must go in with a “game plan”. H won’t go to MC and talk about our SL, so I need to be able to express to him what it is I am hoping to accomplish by both of us going.
First, I think we have poor communication skills. We don’t listen to what the other is saying. We interpret the others words, actions and even body language in an inaccurate manor. This leads to fighting and hurt feelings.
Second, I feel that we avoid each all lot of the time. I don’t want to keep avoiding each other. I would like to great each other warmly when we get home each day, in the mornings, etc…which would involve an embrace, a kiss or some physical touch. I do not want to initiate the embrace/kiss every time. Part of the detachment I feel is in his lack of initiating.
Third, we need to establish “couple time”. No television and no child. Just the two of us, talking, going out for coffee, playing cards, etc… I acknowledge that finances are a strain to him and that he doesn’t feel like we can “afford to go out”. That’s why I have suggested things that only require our time.
Fourth, we need to establish “family time.” Same as above, except we would include our S. Again, these are things that don’t necessarily require money. Something like going to the park, for walk or a picnic or going to get ice cream.
I should put these all on index cards so I remember what to say!!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Do you work outside of your home? Are your children young?
I know that when I stayed home with my kids when my children were young...it was the WORST time for me for my self-esteem. The mind seems to go to mush even when they do sleep through the night.
I'm glad that the gals here and others are helping your self esteem...the night out with your friends...TERRIFIC! But if that is all the affirmations you are getting....you need more! Just to clear your head...for you to do some things beyond laundry and cooking (and being a mom and raising kids...is #1!!!) But in order for me to be a good mom I had to find outside things to do...volunteer in the community....church work....something..
In my personal self-esteem journey I can see that was a part of what I needed. To depend on your spouse to feed you emotionally...alone...is not healthy. When I read that in a book, it revolutionized how I looked at things.
Neither can what your H does or says take away from who you know yourself to be.
I agree with the affirmations your wrote...outstanding!!!
I hope this makes sense...gotta go do that cooking of dinner now...
In response to your questions, I do work outside the home. I have a full time job, plus a home-based business I started about a year ago, which takes up about 10-15 hours per week. Starting this business was the best thing I could do for myself. I have proven to be successful doing something that a lot of people find really hard to do. I have promoted in the company and with in the year, will be able to quit my day job and just work my own business. This has done wonders for my self-esteem. Up until I switched professions (when I went back to work after maternity leave) I have always felt that I did well in my career and feel very accomplished. This last job change was one for the family. My old profession was not “family friendly”, so I took a job that was less demanding. I do feel somewhat worthless in the work that I do. It doesn’t pay that well and I am not challenged. BUT, it does give me the flexibility I need for my family and it allows me to be able to concentrate on my own business when I go home.
Our son is 1 ˝. He is a very good baby. He is very easy going, happy and not that demanding other than him wanting my undivided attention when I come home (which is understandable since I am gone at least 9 hours a day). I feel very confident in my mothering skills. I have always wanted to be a mother and the love I have for him is just so overwhelming. It’s the best thing in my life.
Quote: But if that is all the affirmations you are getting....you need more! …in order for me to be a good mom I had to find outside things to do...volunteer in the community....church work....something..
I do need to do more for myself. I have a laundry list of things that I used to do for me, that I have since given up to try and spend time with H. The reason why I stopped doing a lot of those solitary things was that it enabled H to be solitary as well. It is innately a solitary person, and by me doing my own thing it was only driving us further apart. I see now though that it doesn’t really matter if I do my own thing or make myself more available to H, he doesn’t participate in the relationship anyway.
Quote: To depend on your spouse to feed you emotionally...alone...is not healthy. When I read that in a book, it revolutionized how I looked at things. Neither can what your H does or says take away from who you know yourself to be.
This is the part I have to work on. I know that how H makes me feel is not who I really am. I don’t feel that I am relying on H to feed me emotionally. I think there is a balance to life, a social side, a professional side, a relationship side, etc… I don’t know how to explain it. I guess if a man where to pay me a compliment, say, “You look really great today…showing a little leg, huh?” (Actual comment I got from a male co-worker/friend yesterday) it would make me feel great, and validate that I do look great today (which I felt I did when I left the house). BUT, what I was really looking for was for my H to be like, “Wow hon, you look nice today” before I left for work. I know that I looked good, I know other people thought I looked good (compliment from co-worker) but what I really felt was “Maybe I really don’t look as good as I think” BECAUSE H did not compliment me. Even though I know it and other men notice, it does not matter because H didn’t acknowledge. Now maybe H did think I looked nice. I don’t know. I am not about to go fishing for compliments and say “don’t I look nice today?”. That sounds way too insecure and needy, plus H knows I need to be complimented time to time. So, if he knows I need to hear it and he thought I looked good, why the hell didn’t he say anything?
Quote: I agree with the affirmations your wrote...outstanding!!!
Thanks!! I added another one last night. I am desirable.
Hugs right back at ya! Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
A terrific accomplishment that you'll soon be able to work your own business. Being gone 9 hours a day..with a 1 1/2 yr old..yuck...I"m glad I didn't have to do that. Hat's off to you!!!! How could you have time to do much else for yourself? I don't think that is possible. Because when you are at home I'm sure you're like I was and wanted to be with that cute baby!
Your own business will hopefully change that somewhat!
About the compliments from a co-worker. At this point you are wishing your H would say that...but if he doesn't start to. At some point those co-workers will start to turn your head...because you need those compliments.
Have you told your husband that your've gotten compliments from male co-workers, that you enjoy getting compliments, but that your favorite ones are from him? And, I wouldn't count 1 time as sufficient. Try it several times in several ways to accomodate him hearing it.
Why don't husbands compliment. Same reason we don't do some of the same things...taking each other for granted! I read somewhere that once a H has conquered and made the catch..you!...he feels like he has what he was after. So learning to still approach his W with the same "awe" he did when he was after her..is now a learned and purposeful skill to learn.
I think most men are in the dark for years about that. No stones to throw....it is a fact...as well as women can be in the dark about nag or complain...well. SOME men..no men hereof course, and SOME women...no women here, of course.
Nicky...yes, about being desirable! Just because your H doesn't tell you that you are doesn't mean that you aren't. Nicky, dear at best he is just taking you for granted...at worst he has some real issues to deal with.
What is his response when you tell him other men compliment you and you want it from him? Can't do it in a complaining way or that will put him on the defensive and won't get the point across.
Sorry DN, took me awhile to get back to this post.
"Thanks you guys. I really appreciate your compliments. I am humbled. In a weird way it’s hard to hear those positive things about yourself."
YES IT IS!!!!! It is amazing how hard it is for someone who has been beating themselves up for many years to truly accept a compliment. Lil could tell you how many times she had to smack me before I started just say thank you to a compliment. There is a voice inside us low self-esteem types that says any compliment must either be (1) just to make us feel better, i.e. placating/patronizing (2) if they only knew us they wouldn't say it (3) they want something from us and the words aren't sincere. One of the most difficult first steps I had to take was to defeat that voice, and he is still there, lurking, waiting for me to slip. I call him Glob (reference to my first screen name here). You need to find and defeat that voice inside yourself.
I like, I REALLY like those affirmations. They are simple, show a wide variety of personality traits, illustrate some places inside yourself that you need to work on, and highlight some of the more common negative voices that people have. Good job. (pat on the back).
"I HATE confrontation with H about our R. I feel like as soon as I start talking to him I loose all my words, get overly emotional and start crying."
I think you and I might be dopplegangers like BF and Stig. Conflict avoidance, loss of words at critical moments, overly emotional ... BTDT. Then again, I'll bet many of the people here can say the same thing. I am often guilty of trying to wing it and end up making it worse because I have to backtrack, placate, and supplicate when I flub up. There is something to say about being yourself, just opening up, but there is also something to say about being prepared for the tough issues.
"Second, I feel that we avoid each all lot of the time. I don’t want to keep avoiding each other. I would like to great each other warmly when we get home each day, in the mornings, etc…which would involve an embrace, a kiss or some physical touch. I do not want to initiate the embrace/kiss every time. Part of the detachment I feel is in his lack of initiating."
I could have written that paragraph. I am right there with you lady. What you want is something very reasonable in a healthy M.
"Third, we need to establish “couple time”. No television and no child. Just the two of us, talking, going out for coffee, playing cards, etc… I acknowledge that finances are a strain to him and that he doesn’t feel like we can “afford to go out”. That’s why I have suggested things that only require our time."
Ditto. Haven't gotten there yet, mainly because of the demands of 3 children in diapers and a busy work schedule, but soon, VERY soon, I am going to ramp up the insistence that we are a couple and should act that way. I have been getting signs from the W that she is opening up to the idea.
"Fourth, we need to establish “family time.” Same as above, except we would include our S. Again, these are things that don’t necessarily require money. Something like going to the park, for walk or a picnic or going to get ice cream."
Very good. Sounds like you are getting all your ducks in a row.
"I should put these all on index cards so I remember what to say!!"
Not a bad idea. Works well for aceing finals, why not use it in your R. Probably not every time you have an R convo though.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Sorry DN, took me awhile to get back to this post."
Never a problem! I can't image how busy you must catching up IRL, let along here!
"...if they only knew us they wouldn't say it."
Wow - how did you get in my head! I say that to myself all the time. I really have a hard time seeing (the good) what other people see in me. Must learn to ignore the 'glob' on my shoulder.
"I like, I REALLY like those affirmations"
Thank you.
"Haven't gotten there yet, mainly because of the demands of 3 children in diapers and a busy work schedule, but soon, VERY soon, I am going to ramp up the insistence that we are a couple and should act that way."
Very understandable and a very reasonable approach you have. I feel that we are finally at a point where this is something that we should be able to fit back in to our lives. S does well with family members and we can easily slip out for drinks or coffee or overnight to grandma's.
I do feel like I have all my ducks in a row. I feel like I will be able to verbalize the things that I would like to see change in our R.
It's funny, I am reading everyone's post the past couple days (it's been kinda quiet, huh?) and everyone seems to be in a "blech" kinda mood, including me. Is the the alignment of the planets or something?!?!
So, I have been wanting to ask, what is your title? You have a PhD, right? That conversation on your thread went right over my head, but it sounds really interesting! I am not the science-type; I was always interested in the arts, thus why I ended up with a degree in Interior Design. The only technical skill I have is being able to cram 200 people into a space that was build for 100!! I started out with my major being Art Therapy. Should have stayed with that. I think that would have been more my calling. I really wanted to work with autistic children. I guess it's never too late, right?
Well, hope you're having a good day. Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Hope little ones mouth is feeling much better now.
Assuming H is feeling better now gonna ask. Is he still sleeping in your bed or has he retreated back to sleeping without you? Just wondering if his sickness was a ice breaker in this area or a temp shift.
Do you ever get the chance to broach the MC convo with him yet? If so is he still open to going with you? I know you had stated you were going to try for a relationship talk the other night.
Chrissy!! Glad to see you around the BB today, you have been on my mind a lot.
Baby's mouth is doing much better, thanks. Back to munching his "puff puffs" (chesse puffs)
H is feeling better too. He has only slept on the couch one night this week so far. I did not bring that up, I am trying to see what happens in the long term. I think I will at least say that I have really liked having him in bed at night. A little acknowlegment on my part is in order.
I haven't brought up MC yet. I have been waiting to see if he would bring it up, but he hasn't. I think tonight is the night. As you can see from my post above, I have my reasoning worked out in my head.
I hope you are doing well...I will let you know how MC talk goes tonight!
Have a good day too!! Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
