So here’s an interesting update. As lousy as I was feeling last night, I went home and put on my happy face. H had been home, spring cleaning, I complimented, thanked, etc… We sat down for dinner. I asked him if was sore from cleaning and he replied that he didn’t feel bad since he wasn’t going up and down the ladder/chair, etc… I said, good, maybe you can do a little going down tonight? He didn’t answer. I said, well, is that a yes, no, maybe? He said, yeah, I thought I made that clear this morning. I was like…huh? When did you bring that up? You know, when I said that American Idol comes on at 9 and Lost is a repeat. Huh? I said, oh, I didn’t get “Let’s ML tonight” outta that. Maybe you could be more clear next time? Chuckle Chuckle (H thought it was funny – he knew he was being unclear).
Dinner progresses…H doesn’t like what is for dinner. He makes something else, and before I know it, H is flipping out about something (I don’t even remember what it was at this point) I gave him a wrong look or something. Great. I take S up for a bath.
H comes up after cleaning up his dinner dishes and hangs out in S’s room while we do pajamas and bedtime story. We talk about the gate he put up at the top of the stairs. It is a hard sitch, he did his best, but we both acknowledged that we need to find a better solution. After awhile he says that we should just leave it along, it’s fine. I say it’s not fine, ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. I ask him if that’s why he ignores our problems, hoping they will just go away. He answers yes and then smiles and says, No… jokingly. Like the yes was the real answer but the no was the “right” answer. I told him that if keeps ignoring the issues, I wont’ be here to keep ignoring. He says, what’s that supposed to mean. Last week everything was fine, now this week you’re leaving tomorrow. I was like, what? I did not say I was leaving tomorrow, nor did I say last week that everything was fine. What I said was that I wasn’t sure if I was going to continue with MC because as long as our SL was going well and he was still not willing to come, I wasn’t sure how much C could do w/o him there.
I felt good that I set a boundary…as vague as it was. I will not be here if he continues to ignore the problems. We did not ML last night. Only because we were both really tired. We both fell asleep on the couch last night.
Quote: And I don't see me going any where fast so hey maybe we can grow and define ourselves together and have one sweet victory dance together at the end of the road.
I would really enjoy that!
Quote: …I can bring on the sexual heat but will never be able to bring on the emotional heat in the bedroom that defines ML until the relationship out of the bedroom improves.
Yes, I can relate to that too. The sexual heat is finally there with us but I feel no emotional heat. Either me giving it or me receiving it from him. I agree that is affected by what happens outside the bedroom.
Quote: So lets take this conversation outside of the realm of the bedroom and please tell me what defines your love for your H. And what would strengthen it.
I do love my H. And there is a part of me that is still “in love” with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I find him very attractive and sexy. He is very smart (intellectual), very funny (the best sense of humor of anyone I know), has turned in to a remarkable father, is very kind to people in general (sometimes more to others than to me).
To strengthen my love for him, I would need to feel secure with him and to feel that he wants and needs me as much as I want/need him. Right now, I don’t feel secure with him. We are always walking on egg shells. He avoids me and my attempts to communicate about our relationship. I don’t really know how he feels about me or our M. The other part of the equation is for me to SEE that he wants to be with me. Spend more time with ME, not just me and S. Act interested in me. I want to feel/act like a couple who loves each other. He used to do small, sweet things for me. Little notes. A flower (and not picking one from the yard). Time together with out the tv on. We used to play cards and board games together. This is all stuff he did while we were dating and earlier in our M. He used to talk to me.
Boy this makes me sad.
Quote: Have you asked or the MC asked him what he wants out of the marriage what areas of improvement he sees as important.
He won’t go to MC. I have asked him this and he is not able to answer this to me. I am sure that he has things he would like out of R/M. He just won’t verbalize them to me.
Quote: yes he maybe addicted which is a problem but the real problem lies in what the curtian of the addiction is hiding. Theres one problem. But the first problem or biggest problem from MPOV is the dishonesty and resentment it is causing.
yes, lots of resentment.
Quote: You do need to address this. If either by straight out confrontation or by not so blunt means.
Yes, I know, but I don’t know how to do this yet.
I did read the pornography forum. I agree with you on that I think it is coming from a narrow minded place. It left me with no greater understanding of the addiction. To me, all I got was that all viewing of porn is bad and that it is becoming an epidemic. Okay, will I am not going to get into this now, but, thanks for “looking out for me” with that thread. I just don’t agree with a lot of what is said there.
Quote: Thats why I like this BB so well it has a little of everything and a whole lot of open mindness to all issues.
Me too!
Quote: Don't know if I really said anything in this post. But if nothing else you know someone is thinking of you and wishing you well
You said a LOT! It is great to have someone to talk to. Thanks!
Well, time to get some work done today!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I said, good, maybe you can do a little going down tonight? He didn’t answer. I said, well, is that a yes, no, maybe? He said, yeah,
I like that bold yet veiled! Got your point across well as to what you would like.
I said, oh, I didn’t get “Let’s ML tonight” outta that. Maybe you could be more clear next time?
Yeah I would have missed that to. Well it would not even have come close to making me see it as a indication that he was wanting to have sex
H is flipping out about something (I don’t even remember what it was at this point) I gave him a wrong look or something
Sounds like my house lol. Things explode out of the blue from little nothingnesses.
I would really enjoy that!
Me to even if the road does not lead to the place we think we are walking to.
Yes, I can relate to that too. The sexual heat is finally there with us but I feel no emotional heat. Either me giving it or me receiving it from him. I agree that is affected by what happens outside the bedroom.
I wish my H could see and understand this. My H seems to think that since the sexual heat can be brought on that it entails every element of satisfaction even emotional and that difference between us causes great voids.
I ask him if that’s why he ignores our problems, hoping they will just go away.
Again great way to broach the subject direct but not accussing!
I told him that if keeps ignoring the issues, I wont’ be here to keep ignoring.
Good boundry open for discussion seems like a great way to start laying them down to me.
He says, what’s that supposed to mean. Last week everything was fine, now this week you’re leaving tomorrow. I was like, what? I did not say I was leaving tomorrow, nor did I say last week that everything was fine.
I think this is good also he told you the way he interputted what he was hearing and you addressed the fact that was not exactly what you were saying.
felt good that I set a boundary…as vague as it was
It opened the door to setting more solid boundries if needed. IMO
I do love my H. And there is a part of me that is still “in love” with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I find him very attractive and sexy. He is very smart (intellectual), very funny (the best sense of humor of anyone I know), has turned in to a remarkable father, is very kind to people in general
I stand in awe of this description. It came so fluidly that I know you were not seeking for the right thing to say or how you think you should feel. It was real and honest and natural. He is lucky!
To strengthen my love for him, I would need to feel secure with him and to feel that he wants and needs me as much as I want/need him. Right now, I don’t feel secure with him. We are always walking on egg shells. He avoids me and my attempts to communicate about our relationship. I don’t really know how he feels about me or our M.
Feeling secure in another persons love. Funny how sometimes we miss signals that should make us feel that way. Or how it becomes a condition of comfort and exceptance of our own love for someone. Sadly in my case some of the things H does that makes him think I should feel secure in his love is exactly what makes me feel insecure and keeping him at arms length.
I want to feel/act like a couple who loves each other. He used to do small, sweet things for me. Little notes. A flower (and not picking one from the yard). Time together with out the tv on. We used to play cards and board games together. This is all stuff he did while we were dating and earlier in our M. He used to talk to me.
So romance and QT is something that you yearn for. Understandable. Romance is something we seem to loose in a relationship even though in some ways it is what lead us to the relationship so that missing element is interpretted in lack of interest. The thing about the flower and not out of the yard I am so different on. One of my enduring memories of my H was a time when we were so poor and it was valentines day. H who was bf back then came home bearring a armful of wild roses. He had stopped and picked on his way home. To this day that is better then anything he ever bought me. And my kids and my H pick flowers for me all the time. And it always makes me stop and think about the fact that no matter if they were out playing mowing the lawn or just walking up the drive way they were thinking about me. I was on there mind and they took that 20 extra steps out of there way to pick the flower to show me just that. I am not very materialistic but I do have a sentimental side. H use to bring me those fake roses from the gas station alot they meant nothing to me. They sit at the check out stand of every gas station. But now if he stopped and picked me a daisy it was sweet. Im wierd.
yes, lots of resentment
Funny thing about resentment it makes things that really matter not to use become big issues. Thats why I feel you need to approach this soon. Before it becomes a demon in your soul
Okay, will I am not going to get into this now, but, thanks for “looking out for me” with that thread. I just don’t agree with a lot of what is said there.
Np. I can see how when you are in the middle of it you can get so caught up in it and turn it around to look like all bad. I don't disagree with the facts that they present I just feel they are presented only from one side and narrow prespective. I noticed Gel jumped on the board so she will shake them up a bit I am sure!
It is great to have someone to talk to. Thanks!
Goes both ways!
Well, time to get some work done today!
Hope you did a better job then me on this one lol I was up until 3 doing laundry and have done jack today
Happy St. Patty’s Day! The ¼ Irish in me comes out today. There will be green-beer- drinking a plenty tonight! Having dinner with friends, girls night out. I am looking forward to it A LOT!
We actually had a good night last night considering major drama with S. Got to daycare and the teacher was yelling my name as I was coming up the walk. S fell and bit his tongue wide open. There was blood pouring everywhere. Ugh. This is the second time in the last month or so. I think he re-cut the same spot on his tongue. Must not have completely healed from the first time. Poor thing. He bled all over his teddy bear, which is light blue. He kept wiping the bloodstains with a tissue saying, “mama, wash?” He seems okay, but it was a horrible night. His tongue bled FOREVER!
H was very sweet to both of us last night. He knew it really scared me and spent a lot of cuddle time with me after S went to bed. It was nice. This morning I asked him to go to MC with me at my next appt. He said we would talk about it later, but he says he sees no reason why he wouldn’t go with me. That is a good step. He’s not saying no anymore. I will bring it up over the weekend. I would usually wait for him to bring it up, but I know better now. If I don’t bring it up, neither will he.
Quote: Feeling secure in another persons love. Funny how sometimes we miss signals that should make us feel that way. Or how it becomes a condition of comfort and acceptance of our own love for someone. Sadly in my case some of the things H does that makes him think I should feel secure in his love is exactly what makes me feel insecure and keeping him at arms length.
What does your H do to show you he loves you? Why does that make you feel insecure?
Quote: So romance and QT is something that you yearn for. Understandable. Romance is something we seem to loose in a relationship even though in some ways it is what lead us to the relationship so that missing element is interpreted in lack of interest.
Yes, I guess it’s something that I do need, more that I realized. I kept thinking it was just sex, but it really is something that has nothing to do with sex.
Quote: The thing about the flower and not out of the yard I am so different on. One of my enduring memories of my H was a time when we were so poor and it was Valentines Day. H who was bf back then came home bearing an armful of wild roses. He had stopped and picked on his way home. To this day that is better then anything he ever bought me.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not materialistic at ALL. We have so MANY flowers in our yard from April to October, our house always has fresh flowers in it. It almost seems like he’s trying to pass off what we do all the time as “Oh look, I got you flowers”. Like it’s a joke almost. There have been times when he has specifically picked flowers out of the yard for me, like the mother’s day I was pregnant, etc…very sweet.
Quote: I noticed Gel jumped on the board so she will shake them up a bit I am sure!
I am sure she will!!
Make it a great one! Have a great weekend, I will be thinking about you!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
The stains did come out of his bear and clothes, thank goodness. He was very happy to have his bear back this morning!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Happy St Patricks day to you to! I am Irish and German. More Irish then German since it comes from both sides of my family. D19 dad is 100% Irish even though he was born in England both of his parents were born and raised in Ireland. So she is Irish with a dash of German as we put it around here.
Hoping your son a speedy recovery on the tongue what a place to be hurt yuck. Poor baby. Made me remember once when my S15 fell and that thing under your tongue started pouring blood I was off to rush him to the hospital only to find there was nothing they could do about it.
Of course that was back in the day when I rushed them to the hospital over everything. Now after so many years of it. I am like ahhh well here is a bandaid. Broken bones and need for stitches are about the only thing that makes me run for the doctor immediately these days.
This morning I asked him to go to MC with me at my next appt. He said we would talk about it later, but he says he sees no reason why he wouldn’t go with me. That is a good step
Thats a great step! He is putting for a effort to fix things and not push them under the rug. If nothing else it acknowledges the fact he knows there is a problem. And has a want to make it better.
What does your H do to show you he loves you? Why does that make you feel insecure?
Hmmm that is a hard one to define.
He is protective of me. But to the point it becomes obsessive and stifles me and scares me. He is very loving towards me but sometimes his words and the way he projects that I am his world seem obsessive and over the top and it scares me. His jealousy yeah it is so over board that it scares the hell out of me at times and stifles me. My H is very possesive and obsessive to the point it is not loving and makes me pull away from him. It has done alot of damage to our relationship. And that is were I am at the crossroads of right now. Trying to decide if even if the behavior is modified at this point is the 16 years of damage it has caused fixable. Will I ever feel safe from him not in a physical sense but a emotional sense.
Yes, I guess it’s something that I do need, more that I realized. I kept thinking it was just sex, but it really is something that has nothing to do with sex.
I think this is the case for alot of us here. A continual need for security in our and our spouses EC. Gel is the perfect example right now. Even though she is not being sexed every night. She is having her emotional needs met in other ways and she is feeling content. I on the other hand can be having my sexual needs met and stil cannot find contentment because my emotional needs are still not being met. Sad circle. But good that some can get it right lol! The NOP's are also a great example of finding a way to get it right.
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I am not materialistic at ALL
Was not meaning to imply that you were. I was more pointing to the fact that even though Gifts is not one of my LL this little thing does mean alot to me. The power of knowing that one is thinking about you at odd times like mowing the grass or playing on the trampoline or what ever.
We have so MANY flowers in our yard from April to October,
There is something we have in common. I have about 6-10 flower gardens and also a hill side that I have flowers planted all over. My love of flowers comes from my mom I think. It is something that reminds me of her since I don't get to see her often. (But I still hate weeding them as much as I did as a kid lol).
Hope you have a good weekend! And hope the little one does also even with that sore mouth
Dark green is my new color. I was stuck on sage green for quit some time.
And my latest hair coloring event left me with the red hair to go with the green beer! And the tanning bed has brought out a few freckles so I had the irish thing going on full force for the holiday!
An uneventful weekend at the DN house. H woke up Saturday sick. That is never fun. He acts worse than our 1 1/2 year old! No further talk about MC. Thought I would give it a break. It's killing me not to bring it up though. H slept in our bed this weekend. Unusual for him, but I think it's because he's sick.
Friday night was good. Went to dinner with a friend and her husband. I have known her since 6th grade, it was good to talk. I feel like she is the only person IRL, that listens to me and understands me. Her husband said something that really made me want to cry. When I said that one of my biggest fears is to be a 30-year-old over-weight - single mom, he said "is that all you see yourself as?" And I honestly do. He just shook his head and said, "you are so much more than that." Wow. They both really made me see that I have such a distorted vision of myself. I need to do some work there. Perhaps a visit to Chome's Self-Esteem thread.
We haven't ML in over a week now. Our new "passion" lasted a whole two weeks! I have't had the urge to ML anyway. That is a wierd feeling for me.
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Ok...now that he's slept in your bed with you (sick or not) there's no reason for him to stop now is there? I'm so glad your friends H said what he did to you....it's really nice to hear that from someone isn't it? You need to keep his words in mind, you are so very much more than what you perceive yourself to be. Heck I can tell you that simply from this BB...and I've never seen your physical self, but I have seen your inner beauty....and I can tell you that you are a very special person.
