So here’s an interesting update. As lousy as I was feeling last night, I went home and put on my happy face. H had been home, spring cleaning, I complimented, thanked, etc… We sat down for dinner. I asked him if was sore from cleaning and he replied that he didn’t feel bad since he wasn’t going up and down the ladder/chair, etc… I said, good, maybe you can do a little going down tonight? He didn’t answer. I said, well, is that a yes, no, maybe? He said, yeah, I thought I made that clear this morning. I was like…huh? When did you bring that up? You know, when I said that American Idol comes on at 9 and Lost is a repeat. Huh? I said, oh, I didn’t get “Let’s ML tonight” outta that. Maybe you could be more clear next time? Chuckle Chuckle (H thought it was funny – he knew he was being unclear).
Dinner progresses…H doesn’t like what is for dinner. He makes something else, and before I know it, H is flipping out about something (I don’t even remember what it was at this point) I gave him a wrong look or something. Great. I take S up for a bath.
H comes up after cleaning up his dinner dishes and hangs out in S’s room while we do pajamas and bedtime story. We talk about the gate he put up at the top of the stairs. It is a hard sitch, he did his best, but we both acknowledged that we need to find a better solution. After awhile he says that we should just leave it along, it’s fine. I say it’s not fine, ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. I ask him if that’s why he ignores our problems, hoping they will just go away. He answers yes and then smiles and says, No… jokingly. Like the yes was the real answer but the no was the “right” answer. I told him that if keeps ignoring the issues, I wont’ be here to keep ignoring. He says, what’s that supposed to mean. Last week everything was fine, now this week you’re leaving tomorrow. I was like, what? I did not say I was leaving tomorrow, nor did I say last week that everything was fine. What I said was that I wasn’t sure if I was going to continue with MC because as long as our SL was going well and he was still not willing to come, I wasn’t sure how much C could do w/o him there.
I felt good that I set a boundary…as vague as it was. I will not be here if he continues to ignore the problems. We did not ML last night. Only because we were both really tired. We both fell asleep on the couch last night.
Quote: And I don't see me going any where fast so hey maybe we can grow and define ourselves together and have one sweet victory dance together at the end of the road.
I would really enjoy that!
Quote: …I can bring on the sexual heat but will never be able to bring on the emotional heat in the bedroom that defines ML until the relationship out of the bedroom improves.
Yes, I can relate to that too. The sexual heat is finally there with us but I feel no emotional heat. Either me giving it or me receiving it from him. I agree that is affected by what happens outside the bedroom.
Quote: So lets take this conversation outside of the realm of the bedroom and please tell me what defines your love for your H. And what would strengthen it.
I do love my H. And there is a part of me that is still “in love” with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I find him very attractive and sexy. He is very smart (intellectual), very funny (the best sense of humor of anyone I know), has turned in to a remarkable father, is very kind to people in general (sometimes more to others than to me).
To strengthen my love for him, I would need to feel secure with him and to feel that he wants and needs me as much as I want/need him. Right now, I don’t feel secure with him. We are always walking on egg shells. He avoids me and my attempts to communicate about our relationship. I don’t really know how he feels about me or our M. The other part of the equation is for me to SEE that he wants to be with me. Spend more time with ME, not just me and S. Act interested in me. I want to feel/act like a couple who loves each other. He used to do small, sweet things for me. Little notes. A flower (and not picking one from the yard). Time together with out the tv on. We used to play cards and board games together. This is all stuff he did while we were dating and earlier in our M. He used to talk to me.
Boy this makes me sad.
Quote: Have you asked or the MC asked him what he wants out of the marriage what areas of improvement he sees as important.
He won’t go to MC. I have asked him this and he is not able to answer this to me. I am sure that he has things he would like out of R/M. He just won’t verbalize them to me.
Quote: yes he maybe addicted which is a problem but the real problem lies in what the curtian of the addiction is hiding. Theres one problem. But the first problem or biggest problem from MPOV is the dishonesty and resentment it is causing.
yes, lots of resentment.
Quote: You do need to address this. If either by straight out confrontation or by not so blunt means.
Yes, I know, but I don’t know how to do this yet.
I did read the pornography forum. I agree with you on that I think it is coming from a narrow minded place. It left me with no greater understanding of the addiction. To me, all I got was that all viewing of porn is bad and that it is becoming an epidemic. Okay, will I am not going to get into this now, but, thanks for “looking out for me” with that thread. I just don’t agree with a lot of what is said there.
Quote: Thats why I like this BB so well it has a little of everything and a whole lot of open mindness to all issues.
Me too!
Quote: Don't know if I really said anything in this post. But if nothing else you know someone is thinking of you and wishing you well
You said a LOT! It is great to have someone to talk to. Thanks!
Well, time to get some work done today!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
