It sounds like we are in similar situations although I think my H's porn use is more frequent then yours. I've mostly stopped initiating sex for the past year because I wanted to take the pressure off of him and also it hurts to be rejected. I wish I could say it's helped the situation but the frequency is even less now.
I've also noticed that the emotional connection is not the same as it once was when we ML. H rarely says "ILY" when we ML and he won't look at my face. That is a big change from where we were a year ago. If I say ILY he will respond back ILY too but never says it first. He's very distant and the last few times we ML he had ED issues. I'm sure this is all tied in to his porn use which has become a daily habit.
And that's what I miss most of all is the EC. And he knows this because I have told him over the past few years yet nothing changes.
I'm not sure if my H feels guilty or ashamed about it because he doesn't even bother to delete the computer's history anymore and he knows that I check it from time to time. In some ways it's more insulting that he doesn't hide it anymore knowing how I feel hurt by his rejection and replacement of our sex life by his porn use.
I don't know if this is helping you at all but I wanted you to know that someone else out there was facing a similar problem.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this too. What have you done to attempt to get your H to pay attention to YOU. Have you brought up his changed behavior?
I will check out your post, and reading suggestions.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Thank you for the kind words. I feel you verbalize yourself just fine. If you were not I would not be able to find the meaning in what you are saying. The only difference in what we are saying is yours shows your emotions and confusion. I being a 3rd party can have sympathy for your confusion yet still be able to go at it with direct logic or illogic . View me as your refinery. This is normal I believe. I have uttered and sputtered on my thread to only see someone elses words and say hey thats what I was saying but not so well.
You know you are about the 3rd person of late to make mention of my verbalization skills. Sad my H never seems to be able to find my meaning in what I say. He is always telling me he does not understand what I am saying. No matter how I say it. Wouldnt that be my luck the one person who really needs to understand any meaning of my babble is the one person who can't.. Oh well I always say I like a good challenge.
So thank you for being here and sharing.
That is about the sweetiest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. And I don't see me going any where fast so hey maybe we can grow and define ourselfs together and have one sweet victory dance together at the end of the road.
There have been very few times that there is an EC during sex
Well this is not what I wanted you to say! But glad your were truthful. Straight to the point you and your H can have sex everyday from here on out. But until you can put this element into the bedroom the act will only be sex the EC is what elevates it to ML. I have sex while my H makes love. With everything that is missing in my R I can bring on the sexual heat but will never be able to bring on the emotional heat in the bedroom that defines ML until the relationship out of the bedroom improves. One of those sad never ending circles.
So lets take this conversation outside of the realm of the bedroom and please tell me what defines your love for your H. And what would strengthen it. (okay I am looking for a simular thing right now maybe my question is selfishly intended).
)...why doesn't he get it or if he does get it, why doesn't he care to do anything about it?
Have you asked or the MC asked him what he wants out of the marriage what areas of improvement he sees as important. His answers my define the answer to this. He may see other issues then what you see as the hinderance to a healthy happy relationship and his focus maybe on them instead of what you are focused on. It may not be that he does not care to do anything about it. He may think that he is doing something to improve your relationship by what he is focused on.
Not really sure if that makes sense. Its like to people being hungry but craving different food. You can eat at McDonalds and sure your no longer hungry but you still have that craving. And your still fixated on different types of food over looking the fact that the hunger was the issue not what you ate.
Urghh my new found redheadness is effecting my brain today sorry!
Now on to the porn.
There is a problem maybe two. yes he maybe addicted which is a problem but the real problem lies in what the curtian of the addiction is hiding. Theres one problem. But the first problem or biggest problem from MPOV is the dishonesty and resentment it is causing. You do need to address this. If either by straight out confrontation or by not so blunt means. But sweep it under the rug as you may it is causing a lump that you keep tripping on and will until you move the rug and sweep up the dirt. How to do this well you know your H best. But do it one way or the other for both of you. Gels H is a perfect example of how dishonesty makes one feel and the effects it has. She enabled him to come clean by confrontation. And they are dealing with the effects of his dishonesty. But they always were just in different ways. And so are you in your H regaurdless of how fast that broom is moving to hide that dirt.
So yes you can try to come to a better understanding of porn and the effects it has on relationships as NG has suggested. If you read that forum I do pray you go into it with a open mind. I have read in there on this issue and sorry I find most of it coming from a jaded close minded idealistic place of the porn is why there marriage fell apart. It is all the porns fault blah blah. Sorry porn addictions are symptoms of a larger problem not the cause. Same as with a person who has a affair or drinks to much ect. The actions are symptoms not causes. And the porn industry the brewery's and the OP are not to blame even if they help enable. But again this is my POV we own our actions good or bad right or wronge. But I do understand how a person can take on a bible thumping approach to something that has had such a negative impact in there life and get so caught up in it they only see one side of the picture. Smokers who quite smoking often do the same thing. So if you go there in search of understanding I wish you well and hope you find some without forgetting there is something else lying behind the curtain. And what is being said is tainted with personal human emotions.
Thats why I like this BB so well it has a little of everything and a whole lot of open mindness to all issues. Which I think leads to better insight and more helpful. And I don't think any of us here are seeking just validation we are right we are seeking support of how we feel and insight of others to build a better understanding from.
Don't know if I really said anything in this post. But if nothing else you know someone is thinking of you and wishing you well
I dont' know if he is looking at it every day. He did everyday during the week that I tracked his activity, so he is probablly doing it and probablly has been doing it for god knows how long. I have asked, he has denied. Now it comes down to me blowing the whistle and saying, I know you're doing it. What are you going to do about it? I have to admit tho, that in your case I whole heartedly agree what you did was appropriate. I am not so confident that it is the right way to handle my sitch. I feel like I am at a point where as someone here recently stated..."my give-a-d@mn's busted". Perhaps this is a funk and I will climb out and be able to start working at this again.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I have senses that you are at that my give a damn's busted phase....and if so, sit back and take care of yourself. That phase is very likely to pass and at some point you'll find his doing this is just going to piss you off again.
I'm not trying to say that everyone should handle our situation the way I did. You'll know most likely the best way to handle your H...I followed my instincts with my H and for me I think they led me in the right direction, I bet yours will too
I'm going to back you up on this though, if he viewed porn every day during the time you were tracking him, chances are he does do it on a very regular basis. So for the two of you to move into a better place in your R, it will have to come to a full stop.
Hang in there, go do something to take care of yourself now.
I am sorry to hear you are going thru a similiar sitch. I actually read you post on the pornography thread and had to double check who was posting it, you sound like a very dear friend of mine going thru this too.
It is sad to hear that your H doesn't even care enough to erase the history. That to me says that he doesn't care enough about the R to be "ashamed or guilty" anymore. I wonder if he leaves it there so you will say something to him about it?
"I've mostly stopped initiating sex for the past year because I wanted to take the pressure off of him and also it hurts to be rejected."
I can understand the part about rejection very well. I too, often don't even want to try b/c I don't want that rejection. But because you want to take the pressure off of him? What kind of pressure are you relieving him from? From having to deal with a W that want to ML to him? If that is the case I think you are letting him off way to easily.
What is it that you are relieving him from?
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
"What have you done to attempt to get your H to pay attention to YOU"
5 years of screaming, pleading, crying and whining hasn't worked.
And I'm ashamed to say that 2 years ago I got breast implants, grew my hair out and lost weight so I could be a size 6 and at 5'9" that's pretty darn skinny.
I know how pathetic that sounds. I still don't know why I even did that all in an effort to try and compete with porn girls he looks at on the internet. And the attention didn't last very long either.
I don't like the person I've become. I'm ashamed of myself, my groveling and putting up with this. But we have a family here and children and own a business together. I can't just walk away from all of that although there are days when that's all I want to do.
He KNOWS how hurt I am but nothing changes.
The biggest change I have made in the past week is to stop talking about our relationship and stop talking about sex and trying to GAL (I am reading books now, I went out on Sat with a gf for dinner and made an appointment with my Dr to get anti depressents because I am now very depressed). I know GAL isn't the answer to the problem, nor do I know if it will help but I don't know what else to do!
I thought this couldn't hurt or am I just sweeping this under the carpet and validating that what he's doing is OK?
Ok so you've done the same thing many of us have...screamed, plead, cried, whined etc. Did you draw any boundaries for his behavior....are there any consequences to his continuing to do this?
Gotta tell you too that although I absolutely understand why you haven't been initiating...I agree with Nicky, all you've really been doing is letting him off the hook when it comes to dealing with YOU.
Try telling him is MC or D. Try not screaming, crying, or whining....just talking, firmly and calmly, but no raised voice. Let me put it this way....when someone's yelling, screaming, whining at you are you listening to what they are saying or are you just hearing their tone of voice?
I firmly believe that one of the things that made the biggest impace when I confronted my H last month was that I didn't yell, I didn't pitch a fit, I spoke calmly, clearly....and very directly but my tone told him I was dead serious.
People who are in your situation (with kids and a business) have managed to repair their M's or go through a D, so you aren't going to be breaking new ground there.....so try not to dwell on that. Set some goals and go for those, I find that easier.
I do truly suggest you make MC a goal for you both though. If necessary I personally would make it a boundary for your M....my gut says he's not going to change his behavior until someone smacks him upside the head with what he's doing to you and your M. But that's my take on it.
I understand that you have a family and a business. Believe me!
When I found out that my H was emailing and phoning other women, as well as some porn too...I did what GEL did...I got proof so that it wasn't just my imagination..it included consulting with a private investigator, installing spyware on his computer (which unfortunately, I still monitor...trust issues on my part)among other things.
I was like GEL - I had to know!
However, neither $$, nor comfort, nor a dad for my children in the house was above my self respect.
We did have issues to work through and are working through...but for us, and we both had this agreement going into marriage...bringing other people into the marriage via photos, videos, or in reality was not deemed as acceptable.
I agree that sometimes porn is not the root...the root is that a person isn't dealing with the issues at hand.
Sometimes an "intervention" is what is needed to shake the person into reality. GEL did so.
. View me as your refinery. This is normal I believe. I have uttered and sputtered on my thread to only see someone elses words and say hey thats what I was saying but not so well.
