Just journaling here, had MC last night (alone, of course!). It was a difficult session. It was the first time in almost a month that the C has been able to break down what's really going on beyond the sex issues. When H says a comment to me that is hurtful, or when he refuses to talk about the R I just let things go. I have become really good at sweeping things under the carpet. She says it's time for me to confront him about these things. I must get past the fear on confrontation. What's the worse that can happen? I have also realized that part of my unhappiness comes from H's actions toward me and our R. He is 'disengaged' the majority of the time. The only time he is engaged is when it has to do with our S. Which leads me to a whole other feeling that I didn't realize I was hiding. H is SO loving towards our S. So much so that he gets hurt when H doesn't want to snuggle on the couch. He plays with S, wrestles, hugs, kisses and is so attentive to him. It makes me so sad that he can't give some of that to me. Not that I want to be babied (that's not what I mean), but he is able to show genuine love and affection toward our S and not me.
C also identified that H is very afraid of people's thoughts of him. She thinks he is very insecure. He goes out of his way to make up lies in order to avoid telling people simple things like, no we don't want to come to dinner, calling out sick, etc. Talking about his elaborate lies also brought up what else he could be lying about. We both really feel like he lies about insignificant things (in reality), but to him is a huge thing. Like lying to me about looking at porn. He is afraid of what my reaction would be. Even though I have tried to make it clear that I don’t' really care.
I will confront my feelings as they are happening. I will not dismiss my feelings in order to keep the 'peace'. My feelings are important and I have a right to be heard.
I will not let H avoid my questions. I deserve an answer beyond 'I don’t' know'.
I have a right to hear what he is doing on his part to work on the R. Saying ‘I am working on it’ doesn’t cut it. I need to hear specific plans of action.
Well, this is what I am working on for me. I have been struggling with Barney’s question of what does it take to feel loved, desired, etc. I will be working on that for me. I must be able to give at least some concrete answers to that.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
The kissing and stuff was okay, but that's all he intended to happen. Me asking him if he wants a BJ probally just put the spoils on what was supposed to be an intimate moment that doesn't have to lead to anything sexually
Or maybe he was just not to that point yet. Or maybe he would have preferred you to just do it instead of say it. You can maybe it to death and ponder it to death but until you sit down and speak to him about it you will never know why spontaneous sex seems to be hard for you two. You are not really going to have your answer. Just a lot of maybe's and unintended hurts.
OVerall it was a good weekend
That is a good thing
And thanks for thinking about me Chrissy!
Anytime.
Chrissy who sits around and wonders how peoples shes never meet sexlive's are going. And wishing them well (gosh what a calling in life lol)
I had the same issue with my H as he was able to show attention and affection to our children and not me. Actually I was being ignored and my presence not even acknowledged. Some months later I found out that he was phoning other women & corresponding on the internet during that time.
My C made a good point when I brought up the issue about showing attention to our children. Children, especially young ones, are easy to get along with. Their love is unconditional and there are no issues, past or present to deal with. Animals are simliar...why...Dogs are man's best friend. They can't talk!!!
On that issue...be glad that your H is being a good father to your S. Don't take it personally...even though there are some things going on.
THere are some interesting things in the SExual Issues Forum under the subject of porn. Interestingly the DB folks talk about the damage that it does to R. You can read some good things over there.
In every M one S is higher drive than the other. And humans can talk...so there are issues to deal with. It is easier to sweep stuff under the rug, pretend ...and "escape".
Your H "disengaged" present actions toward you suggested to me that rather than him deal with whatever issues in your R are troubling him...he is escaping.
Is your H at the place that he cares what would make you feel loved or desired?
Quote: Actually I was being ignored and my presence not even acknowledged. Some months later I found out that he was phoning other women & corresponding on the Internet during that time.
Ouch, that must have hurt.
Quote: On that issue...be glad that your H is being a good father to your S. Don't take it personally...even though there are some things going on.
I know this and I am VERY grateful he is such a good father. For that I am lucky.
Quote: There are some interesting things in the Sexual Issues Forum under the subject of porn. Interestingly the DB folks talk about the damage that it does to R. You can read some good things over there.
I will check that out. I have looked there a bit, but haven’t gotten into it too much.
Quote: Your H "disengaged" present actions toward you suggested to me that rather than him deal with whatever issues in your R are troubling him...he is escaping.
He says that he “just doesn’t have deep feelings about that kind of stuff”. He sweeps the problems under the rug and I sweep his inability to discuss the problems under the rug. We are both avoiding things.
Quote: Is your H at the place that he cares what would make you feel loved or desired?
IMO, no. I have told him many times what things would make me happy. The last time when he said “I’m working on it”, I asked him what it was he was working on. What is it that you think I want? All he could say was more sex. I said, yes that is part of it. But there are actions that I would like that don’t have to do with sex. He didn’t seem to remember any of those things.
I think this is a pivotal question…it seems that there are a lot of couples on this BB where BOTH people are making an effort. I feel that my R is very one sided. I am so tired of being the person that is unhappy with our R. I am tired of bringing it up, tired of being the one to try and “fix” things, tired of him not putting forth any energy, tired of him not fighting for us. Our R has been in a downward spiral for many years. We keep doing the things that are “supposed “ to make us happy; first new care, first house, first child, etc… These things don’t fix problems. In a way I knew/know that, but I wanted so badly to hang on to anything I could. I was so afraid of letting go.
Even though the frequency of S has picked up a bit, I can’t help but feel that emptiness still. That EC that GEL says is still there for her and her H even when they don’t ML, is NOT there for us. We didn’t even kiss yesterday. No hug, no kiss, nothing. I can’t do that. I feel like I am preparing myself to cut the strings instead of fight for my M.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I just read your post and of course have a question for you.
Even though the frequency of S has picked up a bit, I can’t help but feel that emptiness still. That EC that GEL says is still there for her and her H even when they don’t ML, is NOT there for us.
Really think is that EC there from both sides when you have sex? Or is it just durring sex that you PT LL is being meet so you feel some form of EC at the time.
Just wondering because like you the EC is not there in my R. But for me it is not there durring sex either. The sex just fufills my biological needs not my emotional needs. Now for my H it is different he does get some form of EC and warm and fuzzy feelings towards me from sex.
I can not say I truely understand this but it is how it works in my household.
I am so sorry. Your situation is so very difficult. From what you wrote at another time about the frequency of your H porn viewing...if I remember correctly...my guess is that is a contributating factor to his detachment from you.
If you do read some of the other forums that is talked about there.
If that is the case, he probably does love you but he is trapped in an addiction.
"IF" that is a root of the problem then there are some DB steps you can take. I'm sure not an authority on what that would be, but I have seem some good things written and posted on the site that might help.
First let me say, I love reading your posts! They are always very insightful, at least from my point of view. You seem to be able to verbalize what I am not. I have actually used your verbage more than once in describing my feelings to H and to MC. So thank you for being here and sharing. You are not wierd for thinking about other's sex lives over the weekend, I too wonder what everyone is doing, how things are going and anxiously await everyone's weekend update on Monday mornings! (especially Gel now!) Her posts are so encouraging.
Next, to answer your question:
"Really think is that EC there from both sides when you have sex? Or is it just durring sex that you PT LL is being meet so you feel some form of EC at the time."
There have been very few times that there is an EC during sex. The first time after I suggested we do something "new and exciting", it was definitely there. But since then it really isn't. Part of that is my fault, I find myself detatching from him. I have not let myself fully open up to him. I am too hurt. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting for him to make an effort. It is such small little things that he could do (that he did in the begining)...why doesn't he get it or if he does get it, why doesn't he care to do anything about it?
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
It's hard for me to think that it's an addiction. I do feel that because he is doing it everyday and he is lying about looking at porn at all, he views it as something bad and is ashamed of it. Is that an addiction? Is he lying when he says if he really felt like having sex he would come to me? I guess I need to read more about porn as an addiction...
It's wierd that I can to this board because of the SSM issues...not for DB issues! They should really sell SSM as a two book set with DB. Just a marketing thing to throw out there!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Quote: I do feel that because he is doing it everyday and he is lying about looking at porn at all, he views it as something bad and is ashamed of it. Is that an addiction?
Yes, that is an addiction. An addiction is using a substance or activity to avoid painful feelings. You might find some helpful info on my thread (Bearing BOOKS!), especially the past post (from me) about using porn precisely because the women ARE unavilable.
FWIW, I've heard those exact same things from my H in the past....if he wanted it he'd come get me. Chances are though that he knows how much it would hurt you to know he's viewing that stuff regularly...and not coming to you, like my H....it's his own dirty little secret that he's afraid to let out.
You know I remember when I first joined this board a few years ago I read time and time again that sometimes it takes drastic measures to make changes happen. Well, I didn't walk out, didn't file for D or separation.....BUT I did blow the lid on his hidden alter ego & secret wide open, in a big way! It was like, for us anyway, confronting him with actual printed out evidence of what he'd been doing made it to where he couldn't hide it from me anymore.....it was all too obvious I knew Nicky. His secret wasn't a secret anymore, and it was (I do believe this too) the one thing he'd been hiding from me pretty fiercely.....because I think he knew how damaging it would be if I found out. My bringing it out in the open and then sticking around has kind of made that issue well......evaporate and something better has taken it's place.
Personally, I feel....if your gut tells you he's viewing it more than he says, find out if that's the truth....don't expect him to tell you the truth. If he's hiding something from you, chances are he will not tell you the truth. If he's viewing it and hiding it, there's a problem.
