Just journaling here, had MC last night (alone, of course!). It was a difficult session. It was the first time in almost a month that the C has been able to break down what's really going on beyond the sex issues. When H says a comment to me that is hurtful, or when he refuses to talk about the R I just let things go. I have become really good at sweeping things under the carpet. She says it's time for me to confront him about these things. I must get past the fear on confrontation. What's the worse that can happen? I have also realized that part of my unhappiness comes from H's actions toward me and our R. He is 'disengaged' the majority of the time. The only time he is engaged is when it has to do with our S. Which leads me to a whole other feeling that I didn't realize I was hiding. H is SO loving towards our S. So much so that he gets hurt when H doesn't want to snuggle on the couch. He plays with S, wrestles, hugs, kisses and is so attentive to him. It makes me so sad that he can't give some of that to me. Not that I want to be babied (that's not what I mean), but he is able to show genuine love and affection toward our S and not me.

C also identified that H is very afraid of people's thoughts of him. She thinks he is very insecure. He goes out of his way to make up lies in order to avoid telling people simple things like, no we don't want to come to dinner, calling out sick, etc. Talking about his elaborate lies also brought up what else he could be lying about. We both really feel like he lies about insignificant things (in reality), but to him is a huge thing. Like lying to me about looking at porn. He is afraid of what my reaction would be. Even though I have tried to make it clear that I don’t' really care.

I will confront my feelings as they are happening. I will not dismiss my feelings in order to keep the 'peace'. My feelings are important and I have a right to be heard.

I will not let H avoid my questions. I deserve an answer beyond 'I don’t' know'.

I have a right to hear what he is doing on his part to work on the R. Saying ‘I am working on it’ doesn’t cut it. I need to hear specific plans of action.

Well, this is what I am working on for me. I have been struggling with Barney’s question of what does it take to feel loved, desired, etc. I will be working on that for me. I must be able to give at least some concrete answers to that.

Nicky




"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" Frederick Collins