I continue to read through all the posts here and am really appreciating the nuggets and insights I can draw from all this.
LfL:
Quote: I think your perspective now is a good one, but as Lil said, sometimes women really do want the O too
You and Lil are absolutely right. Thanks for sharing such personal information with us. Oh, and Stigmata, no worries on using my sitch in a hypothetical, it made a lot of sense...thanks for being respectful about it!
In light of this discussion, I've approached my W about it little by little to see what she thinks about the various parts of our SL. As things are heating up (and they ARE...we are truly on the mend!! I can't tell you how excited I am about my M right now...but I won't go on an easy tangent here!), more is surfacing that previously was never discussed. Her year away changed her personality a bit as she was forced to become hyperindependent, which has led her to be more forthright about things.
I was able to openly bring up faking in a discussion, and she told me that I have never been a real 'pressure' on her to have an "O", which confirmed what I have previously stated. I believe that in the case or cases where she did fake, it was while I was visiting her in Costa Rica during her medical rotations, where she likely felt pressured to put on an act like nothing was wrong between us. The distance was growing between us for the entire year, only coming to an ugly head at the end. I think she just didn't want to have to deal with the marriage problems until she returne home and could escape from the harsh realities of a medical internship.
No harm, no foul, I say. Her "O"s, as I understand it are strongly linked to her mental state, and when things are great between us, we don't have to fake to O-sync (I love that word!! haha). I would say that before she left for the year, we would O-sync over half the time...and I agree with what has been said: It is a magically intense bonding experience.
This new-found-honesty has filled me in on the fact that physiologically, we are not a perfect match. I thought information like this would really stroke my ego, but I found it was more concerning than anything--and I apologize if it's TMI--I'm on the larger end of the scale and sex for her can be painful, particularly if lubrication is an issue. Okay okay, I know, it could be that her Vajayjay (Any Grey's Anatomy fans out there? I still laugh when I hear that word) is built a tad small too. Who knows.
I guess what I am getting at is what I sense we are all coming to agreement with: Faking violates a very intense level of trust you have when you are love-making. There is a reason why love-making is more than plumbing to couples--it's the raw openness of providing pleasure to the other person, as going solo is rarely better. Some here have to be manually stimulated to reach the goal, but is it off base to suggest that there's something to be said about the intimacy present when you have someone help you in any fashion? As a result, I can easily suggest that habitual faking can erode intimacy, even if the other partner has no idea.
To follow up with my W, I've learned that there are moments where she knows that it won't happen because she is simply 'showing up' to help meet my needs and not her own. She is never disappointed for not O'ing in this case. I asked her what she feels like if she's into it and I come sooner and she doesn't--she shrugged her shoulders and said that she feels a little disappointed but it doesn't mean she didn't have a good time. I used the words "physically cranky" and it didn't resonate, thus confirming what we all understand: women are all wired differently...
For me, I can easily state that not knowing how I please or don't please my W is a roadblock to intimacy for sure. While it was disturbing to discover she was also dealing with the (warning, TMI) effects of tearing while in the bathroom cleaning up as i never knew I was hurting her; I definitely feel empowered now as I am more motivated to mitigate that problem with my lover so she doesn't have to dread being horny twice in the same day (we are both HD), let alone two days in a row, as it becomes so painful for her. Being honest and upfront of the good stuff AND the bad stuff allows you to get closer to your partner and enjoy a more fulfilling intimacy.
Once again, thanks especially to the ladies who are sharing their perspectives here. It's been eye opening...kinda neat to be able to pick your brains in such a safe environment such as this
