FOr what it's worth, this conversation has been so masterfully written and responded to that I must chime in and at least give a mega props to the energy being expended here.
From my perspective/history, I can personally relate to what LfL has just stated. I once had a gf who I discovered was faking almost all the time. I was insulted by the lack of honesty in our most intimate moments and it brought a lot of self-doubt into my abilities to please. It was destructive to my confidence. As to the argument about whether or not a man has any ability to detect a faked "O", I personally think that issue is moot. You either can or you can't. Whether or not you can only plays into how soon you learn that it is going on, nothing more. It just speaks more to the male ego in being a good enough lover to tell or not. And while I do not deny my own ego, I've got much more concerns in my R with my W than being able to tell or not!
Back to this gf of mine, eons ago. She faked regularly. What I learned from this as soon as she admitted to it was that I put an exhorbitant amount of pressure on her to "O". It indeed was an ego thing. I wanted to get my badge of honor for being a good lover, and not be branded as one of 'THOSE guys' who gets in, gets done, and leaves her wondering what just happened. I've always considered it to the level of a fetish the female "O", as I am quickly turned off if she isn't into it.
It was my incessant asking, "Did you??" after sex that opened the door for this gf to start faking because she soon realized that a part of my pleasure was the rewards of HER "O". So a) she wasn't getting satisfied, and b) I felt betrayed. Intimacy came to a screeching halt.
Fast forward.
My W and I have, up until recently, had a very active and healthy SL. I don't know if it has anything to do with her Latin American blood, but she is a firecracker in bed and "O"s ExTREMELY easily and is equally turned on by my own O. I accredit my personal history with the past gf that taught me to not be obsessed with her Os. I learned, as many of you have, that letting her handle it on her own is much more rewarding for the both of us.
But let me say this, the male ego is easily encapsulated, perhaps easily understood, but it is not so easily tempered. While I won't get into my whole story right here, the physical intimacy of my R has recently been interrupted and we are on the mend. I've had my confidence tested in the marriage bed and since we have gotten back together and made love a few times, I have only brought her to an "O" once of the several times we've slept together. I've realized that my ego is being tested and I find myself succumbing to the 'pressuring with Love' exercise in futility. It truly is her responsibility to get 'her head' into it and let herself go. When things were good, there was the occassion where I went too quickly and she always was quick to say that the "O" wasn't what it was all about for her, and because I was confident, there was never an issue. Now that things are rough, I'm faced with my ego/confidence that make her lack of "O"s front and center, which just applies that same pressure I applied to my gf long ago and opened the door for her faking.
I agree, it IS an intimacy roadblock--IF, that is, if it is overtly or covertly front and center in your sex life. Once in a blue moon? Harmless to me...she wanted me to feel like I did a good job and she was confident that I could do it for her again later.
I think it's important for "we sensitive types" to learn to grasp the notion that men and women are satisfied differently. Men are satisfied sexually at the completion of the destination (the "O"), Women are satisfied sexually with the journey--at least that's how I've learned to view it. If the journey was rewarding in making her feel alive, sexy, and emotionally connected, then reaching that "O" is not so important, but just becomes that added bonus at the end of achieved. Once a guy who is sensitive enough to care about fulfilling his partner realizes this notion, he can ML to his partner without feeling like a seed anytime he happens to end too soon. That realization will take some of that pressure away and at least do YOUR part in removing the perceived need to fake. But I think what has been said is correct, it cannot be our responsibility. If you are receptive to her pleasure and desire for being more than a warm body to get your rocks off, that's typically all a woman asks for, assuming the rest of the relationship is relatively healthy!
I greatly appreciate your perspectives here. Thanks for sharing!!
