There are some good strategies for dealing with the faking problem (and other problems) in the book "Reclaiming Healthy Sexual Energy" that I have been quoting extensively on my thread. Like this:
Quote: And yes, she does give some solutions near the end of the book. First she exposes the Rules that our society has about sex, e.g., that if you are in a couple you must have sex, that you should focus on the other person, that if the man loses his erection it means there is a problem, the man is responsible for the woman's O, if the woman loses her arousal it means the man is a bad lover, etc. I realize that not everyone here subscribes to all these rules, but clearly we DO have rules that we believe about how sex Should Be. And let's be clear that there is a distinction between how we would like it to be and how (in our minds) it MUST be. Those "must be's" are why most of us are on this board. So here are her new rules: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Let the rules speak every time you are aware they are speaking.(Lil note: That is, expose the rules as they pop into your head.) If you find your arousal dropping tell your partner, then let the voices speak out loud. For example, they may say "I must make myself get aroused again" or "Something's wrong with me" or "Oh, no, I'm failing and I'm not a good lover."
2. Put sexual activity second to communicating thoughts and feelings. If either of you feels sex must continue, then it becomes impossible to stop at any moment to learn how the rules are dominating your loving.
3. Discuss your sexual activity after it feels complete. In the process of learning to recognize rules, most of them will go by you unseen. Replaying your sexual intreaction aloud can allow more information to surface for you to work on. This will also help you be more conscious the next time the rule appears.
This is a formula for increasing vulnerability, openness, and intimacy to almost intolerable levels (very Schnarch-y).
Also regarding porn, I quoted some stuff about that. On the surface porn looks like a way of avoiding the partner, and it may be that, but
Quote: According to this example the most unconsciously appealing thing about the woman in the magazine or up on the screen is precisely that she IS in the magazine or on the internet and NOT right here in the room. I think this answers the question "why would a guy rather look at porn when there is a warm naked woman in the house who wants him?" It is the unavailability that creates the sexual charge-- it is the need to SEARCH for love/sex that is part of the ritual of arousal. The FRUSTRATION is also part of the arousal, as is the FAILURE to find love.
In this model it is the UNAVAILABILITY itself that is the turn-on. Unavailability is not to be confused with playing hard to get and eventually giving in. Unavailable means you can NEVER have her; and for people with this orientation, NEVER is an essential part of the arousal.
So, in this model, porn and faking O's cannot be compared; it's like comparing oranges and Beethoven-- not the same species.
