make sure you are keeping a track of what happens with the changes you make you really should do them one at a time though or your research could get confused Will have to post a picuture of my youngest brother he is totally unlike us and looks older but don't tell him that he is still suffering from us three telling him he was adopted all his life the brother on the left (your left) is the manager in a large government department (in I.T.) he is the buddhist the other is a social worker for a large government department that looks into child abuse allegations I just got a job in a government deptartment (must be in the family genes) the little brother who is bigger than us reckons he should have been a pen pusher instead of a mechanic
now back to those variables you need to do one at a time otherwise you won't know which one works then you can do two to see if they have an effect on each other - now you are doing behavioural research hope you get top marks
Been wanting to get on here and post for days. I'm really considering it one variable, detachment. I don't wear my ring, don't walk i and kiss her during the day, am not affected when she doesn't kiss me on her way out. I sometimes will go off and do things without including her.
I noticed an immediate positive result. The first day things were quiet. She noticed that I wasn't wearing it and our conversation became forced. We didn't talk much.
The next day, when she awoke, she came in and spent some time with me over coffee. She has done this three days in a row. She inititiates the quality time. Has been me always in the past. Trying to lure her in with something for quality time.
Yesterday she was dressed to go out. We had no plans but I suggested we head out and trip around. Had a very nice time. Spent time planning decorating the quan. Then went to a nice dinner. She mentioned we had been going out to often but when the bill came said "oh that's not much, that was worth it". A couple of times she pointed out how some of the men at other tables were so rude to their dates, wearing phone headsets, anything that did not give full attention to the date. She said she would get up and leave had she been on a date with them. Clue. There was a lot of future talk yesterday. But at the end of the day still only a kiss before bed.
I've also been thinking a lot about something in BBJ's what women want post from a long time ago. Something to the effect that a woman wants a man loves her but there is the slightest danger of him being snatched up by another woman. Like he could always go. This ties in withsome experiences from the past. When we first met I was really playing the field. Over a period of time my wife snatched me away from other women many times. She really seemed to enjoy this. Once she made the comment (many years ago when we were dating and a bit drunk) that she wanted to be my mistress. That I would marry some nice girl some day and have children and she would always be there as my mistress for the great sex. I told her she knew me better than that and I would never go for such a plan. but it gave me a lot of insight. On the one hand it said that she didn't have the self esteem to be the nice girl that became my wife and had the kids. On the other hand it told me she really liked that bad girl thing. She loved to be the girl in the background that I really wanted to sleep with while I had the more presentable one that i showed off. Today she is the more presentable one and I want that bad girl back. OOOHHHH I want that bad girl back so badly.
BJ have fun with this one. Lots of fun. I've got myself thinking. But I don't know what.
Hey Xue variables are dependent and independent so your research at the moment has a few think of it like a hospital drip the drip is the independent variable (IV or A) and the patient is the dependent variable (DV or B) the DV (outcome or B) is affected by the IV (input or A) what you do with A affects B (how you manipulate the A affects the B - or how you manipulate the A's affects the B) are you with me so far
at the moment you can't tell if your A's not wearing ring (A1) not walking in and kissing her (A2) not reacting when she kisses you (A3) going out alone (A4)
you can't tell if they are all having an effect or if one is stronger than the other ie does not wearing you ring have a bigger effect on her than all the other three put together
what you have to do now is knock one out at a time and then maybe later re-introduce one at a time again
detachment this is the what is happening with you you are acting detached that variable is made up of A1 + A2 + A3 + A4
now this is getting to be true experimental research as you take one away at a time they could all equally have the same effect and only doing one could have the same effect you are seeing or it could be only one of the things you are doing is having an effect and the others are doing nothing
second part no reason why she can't be your 'good girl wife' in public and your 'mistress' in private but she will have to work out how to make that happen
She is giving you lots of clues - talking about the other patrons in the restaurant and observing there behaviour and relating it back to the behaviours between the two of you
experiment a little more with this there are lots of different things you could do put everything back to how it was then put one variable into play for a week (with the wedding ring I would leave it near the sink so it looks like you took it off to wash or something and forgot to put it back on) maybe she will pick it up and give it to you?
try each variable for at least for a week and try them seperately you can then start mixing them together
I guess the idea now is to make it appear that just maybe someone may try and pinch you away so she begins to think hang on he won't go - or will he is this relationship what he wants or is he looking elsewhere will he look elsewhere oh hell I better do something quick!!
read 5LL's in about 2 hours interesting did the quiz I am a quality time followed closely by acts of service and physical touch
did H's he is physical touch and acts of service equally followed by quality time
guess I should have been washing up while sitting on his knee????
That's why I stuck to the simpler sciences in college. I was a physics major. This stuff is to complex.
Thanks so much for the advice. I do follow what you are saying and definetely will make a plan to work the experiment in a way that will give me more conclusive answers.
Funny, we went to the hocus pocus natural health practitioner today. She told me my adrenals were acutely taxed due to long term extreme stress. Go figure.
I've yet to read 5LL's I've looked for it many times in the bookstores but it's always sold out. Guess I'll pick it up online. Everyone talks about it. Seems simple but very useful.
I certainly will. You think so? Hmmm. Need to step out of the box anyway.
I was thinking about you this morning. I was thinking lately how well some of the stuff I learned in Mars/Venus has worked for me (db too of course) Early on in our marriage my w had me convinced she didn't like girl stuff. Didn't like me to be romantic.Didn't like other women. yada yada yada. She came across much like a guy and wanted too. So I treated her like one. Eventually that backfired on me.
Although seemingly this made life simple for me, but it was also confusing.
You are much like my wife. Pretty and girlie looking but likes guy stuff.
I wonder how this came into play in your R. I have no idea, just a thought I had.
I think had my w occassionally shown me she liked to be treated like a girl and dropped the front I would have caught on.
anyway, just thinking. Things are going well here. Back to kisses again.
She had a long talk with her mother lately and another with her brother who got married right when we did and is going through divorce. Don't know what influence they had.
I think the holistic health practitioner bringing up the stress levels may have had an influence also.
So many uncontrollable variables too. Glad these are mostly positive now. Reading CYL really makes me realize the damage that C did. A whole lot.
I have a student who has problems who goes to that C's ex. I wonder if the T is actually hurting. I'm going to spend some time with him soon and see how I can help.
interesting thought their - for a little while now Ihave been thinking that your w must be a lot like me wanting to be independent but at the same time wanting someone to care and protect you it is very confusing for me lately - I miss H when I am feeling down and a little sad (which is not often) the best things he did that made me feel great where when he asked me how things were going and if they were not too well he would sit/stand behind me and wrap his long arms around me and just say 'you'll work it out - you always do' and I will be here to keep away the bad [censored] it made me feel like nothing could get to me
but enough of that or I shall bring my mood down and today I buy my house and just heard that the police checks are through and I should be getting my 'formal' offer of employment in the mail soon
so today is a great day
gotta go get dressed
have to think about this independent streak I share with your wife
I would definetely agree. You two are very much alike. She wants to be independent and has a strong pull to be her own person. Yet she also just brags all the time about me. She has a lot of pride in her voice when she says "my husband". I am hoping that she is realizing that the two are not exclusive of each other.
She wants to send me on a boys night out this weekend and she is going to take the dog up to "the house". I am very hopeful that she is going up to gather her things and bring them down. I do know it was only available until spring anyway. She hasn't been there in over two months.
I'm thinking I should give her a lot of space at this point. I know one of the issues is she is just plain stubborn and doesn't want to be the one to give in.
It must be confusing for her. It is for me. Like I've said many times we are truly just peas in a pod. Even if we're apart for a few hours we both come back and tell each other how those two hours went. Did it today.
I guess the fact that we are so close makes it even harder to become individuals and not get lost in the R. But we have both grown tremendously as individuals. I'm sure this is necesssary because of how close we really are.
Today an extremely attractive woman smiled and said hello to me on the street. She did a double take on the way by. Left me feeling pretty good about myself. Left me truly feeling I'd be just fine no matter what. I think that was really a first that that feeling was so strong.
I feel very good about our marriage right now, but I've also found that it is extremely helpful to feel that I'd be fine without it. Xue
Another step forward. It's funny how things come around full circle from the beginning. Last night my wife announced that she'd like to start taking voice lessons. There is a significance to this. I believe a big one. In the beginning of our counselling I was telling her that I supported her in anything she wanted to do. Knowing that she really liked singing and acting and knowing that I love to hear her sing I suggested she take voice lessons and get into some acting groups. It was blown off. Now she has come to me as if it's her idea. This is also important in that her previous ideas about things she wanted to do involved things that wouod make her financially independent from me. Not that there is a problem with that but the thinking process has changed for her a bit.
She seems to be ending this process and we're moving back to us, just a feeling. But she seems ashamed to do so. I will just keep my distance and not push.
She was very happy last night when I took our D's first boyfriend and "had a talk". Also very happy when I took a punk a$$ kid who came in and turned him around. I have a skill in that. The grandmother was ecstatic when the kid actually pulled up his pants (giving up the gangster style?) kid had spent some time in jail and headed down the wrong path. Came in and tried to throw his attitude around. Funny thing the DA who had put him in jail was working out in the same room, they didn't recognize each other. Anyway I think My w is realizing we have a combined skill set that together is fantastic. We are one hell of a team.
I think that it may just be that she is not quite sure how to go about moving the r forward from where it is but she is clever and will work it out soon
getting chatted up in the street eh?
I bet you were wandering along looking friendly and happy and she couldn't help herself
