That could be it. For a long time I was a sahm so he was used to that. Then I went to work and things changed. But me working was something he was pushing. And he knew we would have to work opposite shifts.
When I am not working my time is spent with the kiddos before that. I guess I can honestly say I didn't put him first at all or even into the equation. But he was distant and mean. I guess you can say we were both battling one another and both to stubborn to give in.
It wasn't always this way though. He always was a top on my list. But then came along the SSM where he didn't give a crap about my wants or needs. It has just changed things. I honestly sit here in tears today as I type this. I am just so down. I just feel like I am losing myself. Through the process of becoming more independent and working on myself I have changed. I use to love the fact and take pride in the fact that I was a sexual woman. Now I keep searching for that girl again. Yes, it bothers me in a way that I am in a SSM. But a big part me don't really care that much anymore. Like this weekend makes three weekends that we haven't ML and to be honest I could really care if it happened this weekend either. The last couple weekends I went to bed honestly hoping he wouldn't try. I can remember a time when I looked forward to each and every weekend and anticipated some nookie time.
I have been on some really scary rollercoaster rides through all this. There has been a lot of anger boy oh boy a lot of anger. Then there have ben times of sadness and confusion. And then of course the times where you question so much and keep wondering why. You try to think of solutions or reasons. You try new things hoping this one will be the magic cure, examples...lingerie, doing favors, being nicer, dressing sexier, losing weight, quality time, making date nights, etc) Then there is the disapointment you feel when each one doesn't make any difference at all.
But now there is just this over all sadness I feel. Almost like I am standing here waving the white flag with a couple tears in my eyes and am just so tired and run down.
