My husband and I were for awhile now just kind of living seperate lives. I would work. He would work when I wasn't working as we were on opposite shifts. When we were together there was no affection, no words no nothing. Well, I can't say nothing there was just this tension. A few times in the past 6 months we did make love but it was I that initiated.
Well a couple weekends ago I decided that we needed to have a long talk. I felt like I was on the verge on an affair. I felt we needed to end things or work on things. Well, that couple weekends ago we had a babysitter for the evening. We ended up having a nice dinner out and then rented some movies and seemed to enjoy one anothers company. I had this knot in my stomach about talking to him. So that night I didn't. Saturday night I brought up that we really needed to talk. He ended up getting on the phone and talking for hours. Something he never does. We ended up getting into a huge fight because I heard him confiding things about our marriage to one of his friends.
He had been drinking which is rare for him. But we got into this huge fight. He put me down about so many things. He told me that he didn't feel sexual towards me anymore. That he has to get drunk in order to have sex with me. I told him that a couple weeks prior he was not drunk when we had sex. He made a comment then it was just to get a nut.(which is how he put it) He told me things like I am the only one in this house that has privacy. Apparently a huge issue for him. I don't really understand it because like before when he was saying this I was lucky if I was in the home with the man 2 days a week. When I was working he was home. It was terrible. I had even slapped him when he repeatedly called me a B. Something I have never done.
Anyway right after that happened I lost my job. Me working is apparently a huge issue for him to. I like to work. Before for many years I was SAHM. He had never appologized for that night. Anyway when I lost my job he was so supportive and almost seemed happy. He was supportive of me finding another job. But seemed happy I lost this job that I was working at. He hugged me and told me not to be upset. Then I found another job with awesome daytime hours and he was so happy. Took our family out for a nice dinner and everything to celebrate. Then last weekend we were home and one of his friends came over and asked us to go out to this club. We had a babysitter for the evening. While at the club there were like 2 guys that kept hitting on me and trying to get me to dance. I of course told then no and that I was married. My husband all of a sudden got protective and said they had better watch it their ready to get their azz kicked.( by the way my husband isn't kick someones butt kind of guy like that) I have only seen him that mad a couple times like being protective like that)
But anyway we get home and that night and he was alllll over me. It was him that initiated and passionately and very lovingly made love to me. Since there has been kissed hello and bye. There have been hugs here and there. Holding my hand or sitting by me and cuddling.
I just don't get it a few weeks prior he said he felt we were done. That he didn't feel sexual towards me at all. Then a complete change around. I just don't get it and am so lost on what to make of it.
So stop wondering about it and ask the man what the heck is going on with him.
I'll be honest, my first impression when he was putting you down and making comments about having to get drunk to ML to you and him not having any privacy....really scared me for you. My thought was "there's more going on here." I hate to put this out there....but is it possible there's someone on the side? Or at least some type of activity you don't know about that he needs privacy for?
As for his behavior as of late....yep confusing, I can understand that.....you need to ask him what is going on. He's sending you such mixed signals. Stop wondering, ask...and if you aren't satisfied with his response, start looking to see if there are any clues as to what might be going on.
Are there stressors at his work to explain his behavior? Does he appear to be hiding anything? i.e. clearing the history on the computer? Just stuff to pay attention to. He may not be up to anything, just stuff to be aware of.
With the computet he rarely ever goes on it anymore. MAybe that is just partly becaise O to had found him going to adult friend finders. Ever since he rarely ever goes on it. If he does he is on sports sites checking scores.
Just a few times during the months that I was working long hours he did visit a few porn sites and looked at pictures. Which was only a couple times in like a 9 month period and that didn't even bother me. Other than that I mean anything is possible. But he has no unexplained time away. He goes to work and comes homes. He works the same hours everyday. So I guess you can say he is like clock work in what he does. Sometimes I wish he would go out more or get a hobby or something. Just because I think it is healthy for people to spend some time away to themselves.
As behavior changes there has been some. Like getting his own checking account. But he did that awhile ago when we seperated for a short period. He still hasn't changed the address on his checking account so his statement is still being sent to a relatives address. But he never hides the statement or anything like that.It kind of bugs me that we are doing our finances seperate now. But I figure many couples do it that way. I guess the thing about him having an affair is I always feel safe the answer is no because he has no unexplained time at all.
I really don't get the privacy issue. That is something I should bring up and touch on again. Because I just honestly am baffled by it. He said not just him but the kid's don't have privacy either. I am an involved mom and always will be. So yes I am checking what the kiddos are doing all the time. He said I think I have to know everything. I have no idea what he needs privacy for. I am just so confused by it. He said I am the only one with privacy in our house. I don't get that. By nature I am an open book. I did have my own screen name with my own password. But he asked one day what is your password because he wanted to get on the main screen name to the account. The other one is for the kid's and I gave it to him no questions asked. I have nothing to hide so am an open book.
Cally I don't remember the specifics of your M, ages and such. But I was going to comment on the privacy issue. My H and I called it enmeshment and maybe that is that your H means to. My H and I have been together since 21/22 and we are now 35/36. We did everything together. Maybe your H is feeling like he doesn't have a life of his own. I know some people will assume he is having an A, but I wouldn't be so quick to judge on those "privacy" comments. When my H and I were separated, he admitted to me that he felt like he never had a sense of independence, a sense of his own identity. He said that led to part of his reasoning behind leaving. He needed to get his Sh*t together without me. Totally not fair, I know. We were M. You don't just up and leave. But that's how it played out. So I guess I would encourage you to ask your H if he is feeling like he doesn't have his own life. You stated he lacks hobbies and such. This is very important. He needs to have interests and experiences that are his own. Do you feel like you are too controlling in this area?
Back in December you posted a thread here and caught a lot of flack for having interest in another man. At that time you could not understand why your husband would be upset with this, since you claimed this man was only a friend to you, but you did admit he was interested in you and thought you should leave your husband.
You say you were recently on the verge of an affair. Have you still been seeing this “friend” (which would undoubtedly make your husband mad)? If not, what was your H mad about?
Now you’ve lost your job and become dependent on your H, which is relieving his concerns about you becoming independent and leaving him for another man. Also, you declined to be picked up by other men at a bar, reaffirming you bond to H – good for you (though what you are doing in a place like that is beyond me!!) So H is attracted to you, shows his jealousy, makes you feel wanted, he feels wanted, and you go home and have sex. Now explain to me one more time what it is you are confused about? It seems pretty clear to me.
Good point. Maybe he is indeed feeling this way. I wouldn't say I am controlling. Because I would support him if he wanted to do something. Like he mentioned his friend was talking about maybe going to a couple car shows this summer and they would be a 4 hour drive or so so his friend usually stays the night. He kind of looked at me hesitantly when he said it. Or like he was feeling it out. Like saying "friend" said to see how you would feel about that or if it would be okay. I told hubby sounds like it would be cool.Then I told him I am not your mom so it's not like you have to get permission. But I do appreciate asking if it would bother me.
The only thing I am controlling about is I don't want him to drink and drive with the kid's if I am at work. He has this one friend who is such an alcoholic this guy pushes alcohol on everyone.
I was 21 when we met and he was 27. I am 34 now and he is 40.
Just like money, at first he wanted me to do the finances. Now he wants his own checking. But he is soooooo not good at finances. I am trying to keep my mouth shut about it though. What he wanted and asked for at first on some things is what he views as me being controlling about now. Ahhhhhhhh men sometimes we can't figure them out. LOL
What were doing in a plce like that? Well, we are grown up and entitled to go out and do things from time to time. 90% of our time is always family time. But on the occasion we do get a babysitter (grandma) and we go out to dinner or bolwing or a concert maybe. This time we hadn't been out in like 5 months so went to hear a band at local club. I guess we felt like doing something different. Even though both of us weren't drinking we did have fun.
I guess when I say felt like on the verge of an affair...is because I didn't like the way it felt when someone would compliment me. I felt saddened and good at the same time. I just missed being wanted as a woman so badly that I was really getting scared of how my morals would stand if I kept living this way day in and day out. Do I still have a male friend, yes. Do I see him every day or even every week. Nope. Is husband mad about this.We actually talked about it and no he wasn't mad. He knows undoubtedly that I am not attracted to this male friend. However he did say he wouldn't feel comfortable if I was to talk to this other man about our problems and such. I agreed it would be wrong to do this and would respect his wishes. My husband is one that believes the opposite sex can be great friends.
What I am confused about is why a man would clearly state that he doesn't feel sexual towards me at all. That it has just died for him. That he feels we are done and doesn't think we can rebuild and then say very hurtful things in a fight. Then a few weeks later be all over me and start acting lovey dovey. While I was working he never stated he disliked my job. But he seems very happy about me being out of there.
I have some thought and I'm not sure it will help but I'll try.
When you two were working different shifts you were not aviable to him, that can be a big turn off. He could have felt like he was very low on the priority scale and may have been resentfull. My wife was working a way too much for about year like 100-110 hours week. We fought about it noone told her to work it and she said "it needs too be done". Asked her too cut back and work only 6 days and no more than 12 hours she would not. This proved told me that her job was more important than our M. I would guess your H had some of those type of feelings. I bet he feels more "conected" now that your home together more. It could be he question why he was married when your not around. Just my take on that.
The privacy thing maybe not hide anything just so he can be alone with his thoughts. I have bit of the same issue with my wife when I'm in the bathroom. I'm sorry sometimes I really don't want to hold a conversation while siting on the pot. It also may not just be "privacy" issue maybe he wants a little quiet time were he he read or think with no interuptions and not feel he needs to answer for minute what he's doing and what he thinking about. Just my thoughts maybe it will help you.
That could be it. For a long time I was a sahm so he was used to that. Then I went to work and things changed. But me working was something he was pushing. And he knew we would have to work opposite shifts.
When I am not working my time is spent with the kiddos before that. I guess I can honestly say I didn't put him first at all or even into the equation. But he was distant and mean. I guess you can say we were both battling one another and both to stubborn to give in.
It wasn't always this way though. He always was a top on my list. But then came along the SSM where he didn't give a crap about my wants or needs. It has just changed things. I honestly sit here in tears today as I type this. I am just so down. I just feel like I am losing myself. Through the process of becoming more independent and working on myself I have changed. I use to love the fact and take pride in the fact that I was a sexual woman. Now I keep searching for that girl again. Yes, it bothers me in a way that I am in a SSM. But a big part me don't really care that much anymore. Like this weekend makes three weekends that we haven't ML and to be honest I could really care if it happened this weekend either. The last couple weekends I went to bed honestly hoping he wouldn't try. I can remember a time when I looked forward to each and every weekend and anticipated some nookie time.
I have been on some really scary rollercoaster rides through all this. There has been a lot of anger boy oh boy a lot of anger. Then there have ben times of sadness and confusion. And then of course the times where you question so much and keep wondering why. You try to think of solutions or reasons. You try new things hoping this one will be the magic cure, examples...lingerie, doing favors, being nicer, dressing sexier, losing weight, quality time, making date nights, etc) Then there is the disapointment you feel when each one doesn't make any difference at all.
But now there is just this over all sadness I feel. Almost like I am standing here waving the white flag with a couple tears in my eyes and am just so tired and run down.
Cally you said! "I guess you can say we were both battling one another and both to stubborn to give in."
Two stubborn people can get in a contest and end up losing the things the hold most dear by this refusal. My Dad use to say some times you have to forget about pride and principal push your ego aside and to get what your really want. What good does it do to try and prove your point if you lose whats most important too you?
I don't remember where I have seen it but, I have seen that many times too get what you want you have to give the other person what the want. You might think about doing yourself a favor and put all the junk that happen before behind you for atleast the weekend go for it from a new or really old perspective like when you were first married. What do you have to lose?
Apparently a huge issue for him. I don't really understand it because like before when he was saying this I was lucky if I was in the home with the man 2 days a week. When I was working he was home. It was terrible. I had even slapped him when he repeatedly called me a B. Something I have never done. 
Before for many years I was SAHM. He had never appologized for that night. Anyway when I lost my job he was so supportive and almost seemed happy. He was supportive of me finding another job. But seemed happy I lost this job that I was working at. He hugged me and told me not to be upset. Then I found another job with awesome daytime hours and he was so happy. Took our family out for a nice dinner and everything to celebrate. Then last weekend we were home and one of his friends came over and asked us to go out to this club. We had a babysitter for the evening. While at the club there were like 2 guys that kept hitting on me and trying to get me to dance. I of course told then no and that I was married. My husband all of a sudden got protective and said they had better watch it their ready to get their azz kicked.( by the way my husband isn't kick someones butt kind of guy like that) I have only seen him that mad a couple times like being protective like that)
What he wanted and asked for at first on some things is what he views as me being controlling about now. Ahhhhhhhh men sometimes we can't figure them out. LOL