You Get What You Settle For

[NotMarried]

Just as I was about to get into a long, drawn out post, I decide to check the good old Cainercast, lol:

"All the best processes take time. When we try to push everything forward too fast, we deprive ourselves of the valuable chance to nurture a wise investment or tend a delicate plant. You're keen now, to bring closure to a matter that is uncertain and unsettled. You want it resolved so you can move on. Do what you have to in order to feel comfortable but don't close doors or rule out options that can be left, if not entirely open, at least a little bit 'ajar'. Over the next few weeks and months, some situation may become very different. "

Hmmmm..... Good advice for everyone....not just us Cap's!

RB, I have a question - or anyone, actually. Maybe I'm just thick-headed, but how am I too emotionally dependent on him? I've tried to back off from that. Is there something you see that maybe I'm missing, or should do differently? Maybe my definition of emotionally dependent is different than yours?

Chrissy, thanks. No - I haven't sat down and talked with him. Whenever I think about it, and run a scenario thru my mind, I can't envision myself saying things that don't sound right. Everything sounds pushy, clingy, pressuring, anything but detached and loving. Know what I mean? I think of it along the lines of he "knows" what I want - why bring it up and push him away further if he's not ready.

SO was not like "this" while he was here. I probably won't do a good job of getting it into words. Yet from when I used to snoop, the type's of things he's sending now to ME, and the amount of contact; the little steps towards 'sharing' more with me - are getting to the way they were when he used to send them to OW when he 1st started with her. So I guess that's in the back of my mind. I 'sense" a change in his demeanor towards me. And it makes me hesitant to upset the apple cart at this time. Maybe that will just prolong his indecision - I don't know. And the decision is MINE to make about what to do next, and I know that.

[grasshopper]

B!tchy is not the opposite of distancing; it's the opposite of loving.

Maybe it feels that way, but b!tchy is not the opposite of loving, apathy is. I know what you mean though, and being b!tchy or nagging can KILL love for sure.

NM, the hardest thing, IMHO, for us is to decide when to take off the brakes and let our verbal selves loose on the situation. We are being told NO R TALK for so long and then the idea of "well, should I start talking to him about this?" creeps in. We're like recovering drug addicts trying to figure out if we should take penicillin to fight a virus. We know IT'S a drug and we're not supposed to take drugs anymore BUT...well, maybe THIS drug will help.
In our case, the R talk may be penicillin, or it could be more crack, just as likely to pull us back down into addiction as it is to fix us.

Anyway, it's a tough decision we all have to make. I still have not decided it's time to talk with my W yet, mainly because I can still SEE progress being made (at a snail's pace mind you) so I can resist the need to HEAR reassuring words from my W.

Your H seems REALLY confused still, but more confused on the side of "WTH am I doing to my life" than "what the hell am I doing with my wife." That seems to be a good thing.

Should you talk to him? I can't answer that. What could he tell you that would change things? WILL he tell you that? What could he say that would damage things? Will he say those things?
Those are the great unknowns and it's why it's a leap of faith to start the dialog once again with our WAS. Like all decisions in this process, you only make the decision when you feel most prepared for ANY outcome, not just the one you HOPE for.

GH

[heatherg]

Should you talk to him? I can't answer that. What could he tell you that would change things? WILL he tell you that? What could he say that would damage things? Will he say those things?
Those are the great unknowns and it's why it's a leap of faith to start the dialog once again with our WAS. Like all decisions in this process, you only make the decision when you feel most prepared for ANY outcome, not just the one you HOPE for.

GREAT advice GH. Well said.

[NotMarried]

I agree, well said, GH.

I guess knowing my SO as I do, he WILL talk to me, when he's ready. I think. LMAO! That's why I wait....and wait......and wait......

Patience, hmmm, between my kids and my R problems, lol, I've really learned the true definition. Putting it into practice, well that is another story.

I also know as I go dimmer, which is what I truly feel I need to do, I believe he will start to question me. Questions which I usually never know how to answer. I always have to remember, while this seems interminably looonnnggg to me - this situation, him being moved out, is still relatively new. So while it's a little old to me, it's new to him. Have to keep that in mind, as well. I also keep in mind that "I" pushed him into moving out. Not the other way around. While it was ultimately his decision to do the deed, I wonder if he isn't waiting for me to "DO" something - now there's a thought! LOL

We always want that which we cannot have. Hoping this works in my favor, lol. And with that in mind, I will take the next steps in lowering the wattage of my bulb. Just not sure what they are. Besides the obvious of limiting the contact between us (all forms, texts, email, phone). He's also the kind that may not *get* what I'm doing without explicitly being told. Such as "Back off until you're ready to re-commit". That has it's upside as well. No beating around the bush. And, to be honest, it's probably the direction I will go. I just don't want to want to muck up the "talk".

[oldtimer]

Hi,

I'm with you and GH on the confronting the SO thing. He is sending you mixed signals because he doesn't know what he wants. Crowding him on it will NOT help and is not loving. What I believe will help is giving you both emotional space.

You may want to share where you are with him, though, or at least try to get it straight in your head.

"I feel _________, ________, and __________ when I respond ___________ to SO's mixed signals."

"I choose to do ______________ because _______________."

BTW, I found it interesting that you took my last post to be so harsh. Methinks you may be pretty down on yourself. Don't be -- you are being very strong and compassionate. Notice that all I said really was... don't do things that hurt you, own your choices, be honest with yourself and others, choose things that you want. You aren't supposed to be perfect at this or even know how to handle it well. You haven't been through it before.

Best,
Oldtimer

P.S. How about a direct response to SO about why you don't text him etc..., rather than "I didn't know it was required." Gee, SO, I get confused about how to deal with your attention. I have really enjoyed spending time with you lately, and I hope we continue to do so, but in the process, I need to protect my feelings right now by maintaining some emotional space so that I can learn to have a wonderful life with you in it, not necessarily as SO.

OK, maybe not all that. Maybe a simple "It doesn't work for me right now to interact with you as your SO in those ways, though I really enjoy your company."

[grasshopper]

He's also the kind that may not *get* what I'm doing without explicitly being told. Such as "Back off until you're ready to re-commit".

Amen sister! My W is the same way, as are most of the WAS. They think somehow it's more about THEM and something we are doing TO them instead of FOR us.
The couple times I did pull back from my W, I got the same idea. The way she reacted was as if I had no reason other than her to do something and how dare I. Well, it only took a little while of that for her, AND ME, to understand that part of going "dim" or dark is that we can't care what they think about it. We can't explain it or else it really IS all about them. You are not dimming to attract his attention, you are dimming to RETRACT yours. You are going to focus on you and try to do so without the distraction that contact with him (or at least so much contact) causes you. It's a step in the process that will help you, may hurt him, and could do either to your R...RIGHT NOW. In time, what happens could be totally different from what happens right away.

You are just in a tough place, receiving mixed signals and not doing a very good job interpreting them. None of us do.
I really like your idea of waiting, especially since you think he'll talk eventually. Let him take his time his way, and you take yours your way. The two WILL meet at some point and then you can talk in a way, and at a time, that works for both of you.

GH

[oldtimer]

Cross-posting...

I guess knowing my SO as I do, he WILL talk to me, when he's ready. I think.

Yes, though guess what I was going to say... Remaining wishy washy without clear boundaries will not help him with his confusion, nor you with living with it. But, you figured this out

"Back off until you're ready to re-commit"

Pretty clear and direct. (Though, back off what exactly???) Or, you could put it in terms of an "I" statement...

Best,
Oldtimer

[RBinBR]

NM,

By saying that you're still too emotionally dependent on him, all I was referencing was that you've been letting your need to feel his love get in the way of your decisions.

It's funny, because my sexuality has also been getting in the way of my decisions, because I keep trying to initiate ML with my W when we're snuggling, and she doesn't want that, so I shouldn't be pressuring her.

[NotMarried]

Good morning, all!

BTW, I found it interesting that you took my last post to be so harsh. Methinks you may be pretty down on yourself. Don't be -- you are being very strong and compassionate. Notice that all I said really was... don't do things that hurt you, own your choices, be honest with yourself and others, choose things that you want. You aren't supposed to be perfect at this or even know how to handle it well. You haven't been through it before.

Thanks OT, I don't know if it's down on myself, or that I've always been way too critical of myself. Sometimes I do things that I think or feel are right as I'm doing them, then think about them later and find I should've/could've done them differently or better. I really appreciate your advice and don't want you to think I don't take it into consideration, because I do, as well as everyone elses. Maybe I don't want to be a "failure" to you guys!

I'm with you and GH on the confronting the SO thing. He is sending you mixed signals because he doesn't know what he wants. Crowding him on it will NOT help and is not loving. What I believe will help is giving you both emotional space.You may want to share where you are with him, though, or at least try to get it straight in your head.

I think I have things straight in my head, lol. Sometimes I try to "see" how I am towards him. It's hard. I rarely contact him - it's usually the other way around, most everything is intitiated by him. i try to look at our contact thru his eyes at times, just to try & see how he "sees" me: if I'm being aloof or distant or cold or open & friendly or whatever and, well, I don't do a very good job of that. Maybe that's why I post every little thing - just to get outsiders POV's as to what goes on between us and any different approaches, answers, etc.

P.S. How about a direct response to SO about why you don't text him etc..., rather than "I didn't know it was required." Gee, SO, I get confused about how to deal with your attention. I have really enjoyed spending time with you lately, and I hope we continue to do so, but in the process, I need to protect my feelings right now by maintaining some emotional space so that I can learn to have a wonderful life with you in it, not necessarily as SO.

OK - I've tried this. I think because I've been so wishy-washy lately, he doesn't completely believe me. Then there's the kids - he has no problem using them as an excuse to talk to me, lol. I usually stay away from that.

You are just in a tough place, receiving mixed signals and not doing a very good job interpreting them. None of us do.

I really like your idea of waiting, especially since you think he'll talk eventually. Let him take his time his way, and you take yours your way. The two WILL meet at some point and then you can talk in a way, and at a time, that works for both of you.

I think this is great advice, GH. I like the way you said it. Sometimes, he'll say things like He has no idea WHY I asked him moved out. Is he serious or WTH? Does he really not know?

Remaining wishy washy without clear boundaries will not help him with his confusion, nor you with living with it. But, you figured this out (Though, back off what exactly???) Or, you could put it in terms of an "I" statement...

"I" statement examples appreciated! LOL. Yes, me & MY wishy-washy"ness"....adds to his....equaling major confusion on all parts. I guess I know by stating my boundaries, it will indeed push him away - maybe for just a little while, maybe forever. That thought scares me. Perhaps a necessary evil for the long-term. No matter what the outcome.

By saying that you're still too emotionally dependent on him, all I was referencing was that you've been letting your need to feel his love get in the way of your decisions.

OH - OK, RB. Thanks for clarifying - that makes more sense to me.
Thanks everyone, for your advice and comments.

[oldtimer]

I'd say it's time to take a day or weekend off and have some fun. It sounds like all of your energy is being sapped by spinning around in circles. Put all of this to the side. How is the painting going? What is the weather supposed to be like this weekend?

Relax, smile, get a pedicure,
Oldtimer