Because that's the way it's been for so long we don't know anything else? Because I've always done whatever I could to support his career, to the extent that it cut into our family time? Becasue I've always been the one to take care of the kids? Because we've never been in this situation before?
Quote: What can you do to break the pattern? Quit playing the same role.
I don't know - that's what I'm trying to figure out.
Quote: Quit being him mom. Treat him as an equal partner who needs to own his responsibilities. Time for him to step up to the plate and time for you to share it.
I agree. I'm going to ask him to sit down with me so we can both work on a mutually agreeable schedule.
Right now, his schedule is as follows: Mornings - Monday thru Friday 5 AM - to 11/12 PM. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights at bar gigs from 6-7 PM until...whenever Throw in the odd remote on Saturday/Sunday afternoons (they're usually 11-1 or 12-2) And...weddings/parties scheduled on Friday nights/Saturday afternoons or nights/Sunday afternoon or nights And, that everything around here is at least 1 hour drive time one-way.
Yes, there's times he's double-booked. In those cases, he's got road guys/other DJ's to do the bar gigs. He is the only one that does the weddings/parties.
So, with all this work, when does he sleep, you might ask? Afternoons. After getting off the air and before the start of the bar gig. I personally wonder how much longer he can physically do this. It can't be healthy. Just my concern...
To answer, GH, I met him BEFORE he did this. So, when he got the job - I actually encouraged him to take it as far as he could. I was there with him when he got his first job, did all I could to help him make his lifelong dream a reality. That's meant living in 4 states; that's meant 3 of us living on $14,000 a year in Alafreakingbama; that's meant watching him get fired (a common thing in radio); that's meant pawning things to make ends meet. And I've never once asked him to stop. If anything, I have always urged him to do whatever he could for his career - even when I knew what it could mean to our personal life or family.
I just can't see him doing anything else. And I would never ask him to quit the job he loves and go hang sheet rock (or whatever) just to make more money. Not only would he end up resenting me, but I wouldn't ever expect him to do that. I dont know how to explain it the right way.
And, like I've said - he doesn't like doing the bar gigs. He doesn't even really like doing the weddings. But the weddings & bar gigs pay the bills. Some weddings he gets $2000 for 4 hours! We've talked about it in the past, and under ideal situations, the way he would like it to be...working on air, one bar gig per week, and taking weddings/parties only once or twice a month - at his preference. That will only happen once he gets established as a morning guy and gets a higher salary...
So..to answer you GH, Yes, I feel I've supported him and encouraged his career.
And yes - at times I have also gotten PO'd at his schedule. It's tough - when someone books a wedding one year in advance - who the hell knows what we have going on in our lives on that particular weekend one year later...like D7 having a school function, or whatever. So, while I encourage, yes I'm guilty of hating it at the same time.
However, I always tried to take the POV that it wouldn't be this way forever. Sacrifice now...for the long term benefits.
LOL - I think I took your post the wrong way, GH. I went off on that diatribe, when all I should have answered was: No, his job isn't very flexible. And yes, he would probably see the kids more if his schedule wasn't the way it was.
Sorry 'bout that.
SO's mother is coming by unexpectedly - she called a little while ago.
I've got something that I want to share, in hopes of trying to understand it. Doesn't really have anything to do with me, although it made me very sad, and I'm not sure why.
One of SO's friends embarked on an A about 2 years ago or so. This woman is from our neighboring Northern Country and she would come here for months on end to be with MF. Their A was on/off for a while, including MF moving out and living in a hotel with the GF for about a year.
MF told me over the summer that he finally was back to working on his M with his W. Now him & the wife lived with his parents for the entire time they've been married. About 10 years. MF said he thought things were going well and then he came home one day to find his W with moving trucks and she packed up & moved out - and hasn't been seen or heard from since.
Now he's back with the woman he had the A with. He's actually moved her and her 2 kids into his parents house, into the very room he shared with his W.
Now - the part I really don't understand....He was here yesterday, and as I was handing him something, I saw he was wearing his wedding band!! I swear, my mouth hit the tile! I'm just so disturbed by it and I don't know why. It's been bothering me since yesterday morning - so much so that it almost made me cry (when I was alone thinking about it).
OK...so tomorrow will be one month that SO has moved out. I figure it's time to take stock of things. Some things I've noticed
1. He calls/texts/emails - all the time, unprompted. When we were 'together', I could barely get him to call to let me know how late he was going to be - now, he calls all the time. Now that he isn't feeling "controlled"; "expected"???
He seems to expect contact from me - i.e. Saturday night, for example. I woke up to an email from him that said "No texts, dammit" from 2:30 AM. ??? I haven't been texting him, except to answer him, now he wants me to? LOL And WHY is he thinking of me at 2:30 AM??
2. Hugs are getting longer...lol. Noticed this yesterday, when he hugged me in front of friend and last week in front of my mother
3. A teeny, tiny bit more open with feelings...I've noticed this in his manner of writing/talking to me. His style is a little different; a little less reserved. I've noticed apologies where I would never get them before; explanations when I don't ask.
Goals for the week: Personal 1. Tie up job 2. Get paint for bathroom and/or master bedroom 3. More GAL efforts; work on kid schedule with him
Relationship Hah. Stymied here. No ideas right now except for maybe "Go with the flow" and "no expectations". Maybe watch & wait, see what this week brings. 1. Continue little 180's and big one's. LOL That is - changing my reactions. That's getting a lot easier for me. 2. Make some R Goals.
That's all for now. Can't think - need more coffee!
NM, it's great that you are breaking your goals down on a weekly basis. You are definitely on the right road, and I think you are correct in seeing progress in your SO.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Yesterday SO came over and he still had work to finish on his truck (him & friend changed the engine over the weekend). He asked me to help him for a bit in the garage (hmmm-like the old days - loL), so I did. Then he started getting frisky and I had come back in the house because I was trying not to. A little while later he came in and we ended up, well...
Later on when we were eating dinner with the kids, he made a remark that made me a little sad, along the lines of "I'm not constantly asking him to pack up & move out anymore".
Positives from the day: Said he'd want to go upstate with me & the girls to my niece's b-day party - kind of invited himself along for the weekend when I said we were going Grabbed my head and turned it so he could kiss my forehead when he was getting ready to leave (I was sitting on the floor of the bathroom giving the baby a bath) Apologized for not spending more time with me or kids today; said he didn't want me to think he was ignoring me because he has to do the work on the truck Emailed me from my own computer, lol, as I was still in the bathroom with the baby, so that I would get it after he left. Said the day was good. I texted him back after getting the email - he called & thanked me for the texts - said it's all good
I woke up this morning and realized he wasn't on air. His work also called here looking for him. I wasn't going to do anything, but he NEVER misses work. So I texted him asking if he was awake. He got to work a few minutes later and emailed me 1st with just "good morning". Then a little while later saying he wished I had called him and why didn't I (when he wasn't on air) - his alarm clock broke. Now, I don't usually call him. I am always afraid he may be with OW. Well - that's one of my main reasons for not doing so. (Today I didn't call because I didn't think it was MY job - lol). So, I point blank told him I send the texts instead because I don't want to intrude on anything.
He answered back - telling me to stop that way of thinking, I'm never intruding and call him whenever. I just said OK. It may appear as though I was seeking reassurance, but it wasn't. It's the real reason why I don't call him. And I thought he needed to know, for what it's worth.
As Oldtimer said - I don't know if all this contact is a good thing or a bad thing. I've been thinking about it a lot. His interest in going upstate with us has me curious. I didn't expect it or ask him - he invited himself.
I know he's still up on the fence - the question is, how much longer can I stay in this holding pattern. On one hand, if the contact is positive, heading towards more closeness, I don't want to shut him out. Then on the other hand - is it benefiting anything? I have to think about it some more.
Quote: I know he's still up on the fence - the question is, how much longer can I stay in this holding pattern. On one hand, if the contact is positive, heading towards more closeness, I don't want to shut him out. Then on the other hand - is it benefiting anything? I have to think about it some more.
Ah, we are at the same place, eh? You know I am going through the same exact thing in terms of to "contact" or not to. Of course, my W is still in the house, but the confusion is the same.
Also, in terms of him telling you to call whenever, my W has said those kinds of things too. I wouldn't worry about whether he said that because he perceived you as needing reassurance. He may just as well have been looking for an opportunity to tell you that and you gave it to him. Remember, they don't communicate that well so...
The ultimate thing to realize is that you are just as likely to be wrong about ANYTHING you speculate about ("I didn't call him because I thought he was with the OM) and thus, speculation is merely a hobby, but not truly a productive one at this point. You KNOW very little, so stop trying to live based on what you know.
Anyway, like I said about my sitch, these are better days and these are good problems to have I guess. Don't dwell TOO much on this stuff. Keep the "you" work up and don't become consumed once again by the R stuff.
For the most part, I have given up speculating. When he moved out - a lot moved out with him. A lot of MY issues, that is. I don't fret so much anymore. It's none of my business. At least, I keep repeating that to myself when it gets tough.
I guess I'm at the point where I'm wondering what's left for me to do, without actually working on an R; without an explicitly expressed interest from him. The changes I've made have been good ones, and I'm keeping with them. In all areas of my life - not just with him. Most importantly - controlling my reactions. That's a biggie. And while I still have slip-ups, they come less often or I recover quickly, with less damage. I see it in how I react to my kids, friends, family, etc. So that's good. And it was a big thing between us. So I don't know what's next. Where the line is...what borders on R behavior or good friend behavior; drawing in, shutting out - lots of unknowns.
It seems to me like a lot of the issues we had, can't be worked on unless there's a re-commitment between us. Issues of going out together (and his groupies!), his work, my work, other things that I don't know how to work on when not actually in an R with him. Difficult for me to actually get into words here. Sorry.
Anyway, I think I'm going to prime the master bathroom today. LOL That'll force me to get the paint later on this week. Kinda hard with 2 little one's running around, though. LOL The reality is, it will probably take me all day just to gather everything I need and get everything out of the bathroom just to start the priming. LOL
Quote: Anyway, I think I'm going to prime the master bathroom today. LOL That'll force me to get the paint later on this week. Kinda hard with 2 little one's running around, though. LOL The reality is, it will probably take me all day just to gather everything I need and get everything out of the bathroom just to start the priming. LOL
Many of life's greatest problems can be solved in the bathroom...
You sound great. Have a good day today and that's the thing you need to do next, and the next step after that is to have another good day, and so on. It really becomes that simple after awhile. When we learn to not let all the little things affect us, we begin to actually LIVE each day and thus each day is good for us. R stuff, kid's stuff, your stuff, it's all just stuff. Think about what you WANT to think about, just make sure you made the choice to do it.
Not to nag, but I don't believe you ever answered me about the safe sex thing... So?
Don't forget you are exposing yourself not just to SO and OW, but all the men she has been with, all the partners they have had, their partners partners, etc... Why, if we just count those, we get quite a number of people.
So, let's take a modest estimate. SO=1 OW=1 OW Ps =5 OW Ps Ps = 25 OW Ps Ps Ps = 125 Total = 157 sexual partners you are exposing yourself to with the modest guess that OW and her Ps have had 5 partners each, but that the OW Ps Ps Ps had only the OW Ps Ps as partners (that is, they were virgins). Of course, if you change that assumption and go out one or two more levels, you are quickly in the thousands-of-sexual-partners range.
If you are not practicing safe sex, you are exposing yourself to serious harms like cervical cancer, AIDS, hepatitis, etc... You are risking the life of your children's mother. See http://www.ashastd.org/learn/learn_statistics.cfm and http://www.coolnurse.com/std2.htm. Oh, and OW is quite young as I recall, which would mean her other partners and their partners are likely to be quite young, which would mean they are especially likely to be carrying an STD.
My understanding is that condoms with a loose end, like Trojan's twisted pleasure condoms, are supposed to be the best in terms of male pleasure.
