Quote: What is so TERRIBLE about a babysitter? You are comfortable using childcare when you have the kids, but SO is an evil father for potentially doing so???
No - that's not my meaning. My getting a job also depends on him helping out. He would be responsible for picking up the kids on Mondays & Wednesdays, as fits his current schedule to cut the daycare costs and make it economically feasible for me to go back to work. I don't really want to go back to work - more for state of mind than anything else. Neither one of us want to put them being in daycare full-time. We also agree that it would be beneficial for D3 to be in a pre-school program, as opposed to daycare. But only part-time. He has always been cooperative and agreed to help me out with my choice of returning to work and anything needed to assist me in that area. During the week. Weekends are hell. Always have been.
We also agree that when we use a babysitter, that it's not until after the kids are asleep - even in the past when we went out together. Some of our parenting may not be the same as what other people think - but both of US usually agree on the same things. No full-time daycare, no sitters when possible - of course, this was when we were together. Now, it's a different ball of wax.
Quote: It is perfectly reasonable to think about how SO's job will affect childcare, and it would be irresponsible not to do so. But, why are you obsessing over whether you should accept his working or not? What are you going to do? He is an adult human being. Instead of trying to use your psychic abilities to determine how things might work out under various scenarios and then forcing the one you like best, why don't you seriously sit down and work with him on establishing a reliable schedule and setting some rules for it with respect to cancellation/alternative childcare/etc...
I guess because I AM THE ALTERNATIVE and he does not have a RELIABLE SCHEDULE!!! We have no one else. Parents/friends/family - too far away and have their own lives. I usually have to ask months in advance to get one of them to babysit. And right now, I don't know any teenage girls / babysitters in the area. The daycare lady only does it during the week, not weekends. I've been asking my D7's friends mothers who they use...I've gotten only one name so far.
And I guess it's also why I haven't said anything about this additional night. Because you're right, and I've also said it - it's his choice, not mine. I don't think I'm trying to force anything. I thought I was trying to look at all the possibilities and take everything into consideration before jumping the gun.
See - once upon a time, my 1st reaction would have been to flip out about it. Which I haven't done. I've been completely mute. Nor do I think telling him that too bad, you already told me you were taking the kids this weekend, you figure what to do with them - is a productive answer either.
Quote: I guess because I AM THE ALTERNATIVE and he does not have a RELIABLE SCHEDULE!!! We have no one else. Parents/friends/family - too far away and have their own lives. I usually have to ask months in advance to get one of them to babysit. And right now, I don't know any teenage girls / babysitters in the area. The daycare lady only does it during the week, not weekends. I've been asking my D7's friends mothers who they use...I've gotten only one name so far.
NM, I am with you on this and have two comments about it (ok, maybe three). First, I understand. In the almost 6 years of having kids, my W and I have gotten a baby sitter twice that was not family. Our family is over 2 hours away so them babysitting is not really feasible. Now, my W and I also share your feelings on daycare and babysitting. Call it paranoid, whatever, we just prefer to watch after our own kids, at least while they're this young. Now, both my boys are in full time school now so it's a bit of a moot point for me but I still understand. Now, comment #2 is that I know for me/us, this lack of childcare and not MAKING IT A PRIORITY has been a TERRIBLE mistake and has contributed in some way to the demise of my marriage. We just never go out. If it's not because we don't have a babysitter, it's because even if we did, it would cost too much but you know what? It really comes down to not making our marriage a priority. There ARE babysitters in our area if we REALLY wanted to find one, and we COULD make the cash available if we really wanted to. Up to now, it was just easier to not do those things. Never again. In fact, I just bought some concert tickets and I am going to get a babysitter for that night. Period. I know it's hard, but I honestly never really realized how important it was. I guess the boys won't die if we leave them for a night.
There is space between flipping out and being mute for collaboration.
I actually don't think you have done anything controlling (YET) with respect to this Saturday night, but I just don't know where you are going to end up with this, the direction of your thinking is what I am talking about. I agree that this one Saturday night isn't worth worrying about. Stuff happens, it is a new job, etc...
But there is something in what you right that sounds to me to be sort of an implicit martyring yourself silently, yet resentfully, in trying to figure out how to fix things yourself so that he is free to work as he chooses and it seems to be creating some bitterness and fear in you.
You are doing something different -- not flipping out, simply being mute instead. But, I'm not sure how deep this difference is. Neither is a form of effective communication or collaboration.
Thus my suggestion that you take a different approach to trying something different: "SO, great news. Let's talk next week to figure out how we'll make this work with the kids."
In a nutshell, treat him as an equal partner who also bears responsibility for finding childcare, babysitters, and other alternative childcare. Both of you will need to be flexible and open to occassionally being that source of alternative childcare if this is to work.
And, here's some more...next weekend, the 25th - he tells me he's got a wedding that he forgot about. That screws up previously laid plans - he was supposed to watch the 2 little girls while I took D7 to an event of hers from 4 to 7:30. He tells me this, with an I'm sorry...and the onus of finding someone to watch the kids falls on me.
Then, the following weekend he's also got a wedding. And we have my nieces b-day party on the Saturday, and his sisters baby shower on the Sunday. So we (kids & me) will be out of town.
The man constantly cries about how much he misses his kids - then never has the time to spend with them.
Just so you know, OT, I haven't said anything to him about any of this. I'm dealing with it here....with all you guys, you lucky dogs!!!
See before we moved into this house, we were living where he works...and prior to bomb dropping....and prior to this job schedule he know he has...he was not working this much and was on afternoons, not mornings.
We did go out once/week. We just didn't go out until after the kids were asleep....or only D7 was up...and D18months wasn't even born yet!!! So, we did make the time for US. He also used to gt up once/week in the morning and take care of the kids/get D7 off to school....so that I could have a morning off and sleep in....of course all this pre-crapthatwerelivingnow.
So...we bought a new house, in a new town, I was pregnant, he got a new time slot, and bomb dropped - pretty much all simultaneously. How's that for a big, fat mess???
...and the onus of finding someone to watch the kids falls on me.
Why? Does he flat out refuse to be an equal partner in terms of covering childcare?
Has he said he's working and will leave the kids to their own devices unless you fix everything or are you assuming this and martyring yourself bitterly and resentfully?
I'm not such a good writer - I have a real hard time trying to convey what I'm thinking into words. So maybe I'm not writing as effectively as possible.
I have asked him numerous times to give me a schedule (only got a short one and it's changed already); asked him for input - he shrugs and says I don't know - you figure it out. So, in some ways, it does make me bitter. I feel like he only wants the kids when his schedule allows.
But I could be wrong, which makes me hesitant. Which is what started this whole debate!! LOL I knew there wasn't anything to be done about this weekend; and as the next 2 weeks go by, his "new" job should be going better by then...so........
I guess I need to sit down with him, like you said OT, and hash this out agreeably. And stop making something out of potentially nothing.
asked him for input - he shrugs and says I don't know - you figure it out. So, in some ways, it does make me bitter.
This sounds like an old pattern. Why does he abdicate responsibility? Probably because of some stuff about him and some stuff about you. Why do you let it go and bitterly go on to fix things yourself? Probably because of some stuff about him and some stuff about you.
What can you do to break the pattern? Quit playing the same role.
Quit being his mom. Treat him as an equal partner who needs to own his responsibilities. Time for him to step up to the plate and time for you to share it.
Question for you NM; in the past, have you been supportive and given him the impression that you liked his career choice? I ask this because my W has been and done both of those. It's what makes it confusing for me when she is not supportive of the kind of schedule I keep. To me, the career and schedule are one in the same. I don't like it, but both my W and I knew this going in. The key here is to make sure, like you suspect your H could be inclined to do, that you (and I mean HE) make concessions to family life whenever possible. He needs to make sure he's REALLY only doing what he HAS to do to advance his career and make money. I know that in his business, like mine, there are gigs that come up that maybe don't pay too well, but are fun as hell. Those are the ones I have cut out in favor of my family. Again, luckily for me, I started doing that before all this. To continue it is easy for me.
So, I am just pointing out a way where you and your H could be on different pages (well, there are many, aren't there) and supporting your idea that you could be wrong. You assume he only wants to see his kids when his schedule allows for it and he may want to see them a lot more but doesn't see his schedule as flexible in any way. There is surely room for discussion between you. Food for thought.
LOL I knew there wasn't anything to be done about this weekend; and as the next 2 weeks go by, his "new" job should be going better by then...so........