BTW...he just called AGAIN! LOL - telling me he was driving back from over here to his apartment...he actually burped during the convo, so I said "WOW! That was attractive - can you do that again?" I was teasing him & laughing the whole time...well he goes into sad, pathetic mode and says, well - there's nothing to eat at my place, so I'm living on McD's...blah, blah, blah...then back to the he's going back to his place and "he guesses he'll sleep all afternoon until he has to get back up for work tonight".
I still think he was looking for me to invite him here
All right - I finally remembered the "thing" I didn't react to....now that's it come back around to bite me. SO has taken another bar gig on Saturday nights. When he told me, I never said a word about it, now - when he tells me he can't take the kids tomorrow night like planned I finally realize the impact this will have. He says once it gets going and he gets a following, he won't have to be there every saturday night. He's got other guys to cover for him when he takes the kids and/or if he's got a wedding/party already on his books.
This has me PO'd. We need the money desperately, yet at what cost to the kids? I feel like I can't discuss it with him. I don't know HOW to discuss it with him without losing my temper. He takes home $500 in that night - more than some people make in a week - more than I would make in week if I worked full-time. He says it's because he now has the added expense of the rent at his apartment.
I have to let it go, for now. Until I process everything and can rationally talk with him about it. OT - I'm sure you're going to jump all over this, but I just don't feel like dealing with it. Let him go. He's the one losing out on time with his kids. I do not want to force the issue of him taking them, because then the kids will just be tossed to a babysitter. Me going out, or forcing the issue just isn't worth it to me right now. I would rather stay home & be with the kids; or take the kids up to my/his family for the weekend than to have him shove them off on a sitter on the night he's supposed to have them. I'll figure something else out later. And that's all I'm going to say about that! And no - I'm not playing doormat - I simply need to figure out a solution first before I jump in with no life preserver.
On another note - he called last night around 9 - I answered mostly because I was curious, LOL. He had already called to speak with the kids/me earlier. He asked me if I could look something up on the computer for him. Now, before you say anything - this was a major point of contention between us. A few months back, I simply refused to do anything like this for him anymore. He was always calling asking me to get him songs, print things, type things, etc. I stopped doing all that. So he asked me to do this, I said OK. Did it, called him & gave him the info. While on the phone with him - I could hear others around him, he thanked me profusely, then says "I'll see you soon" . Later on before I went to bed I checked my email and there was one from him: "Thanks for being my secretary again. xo Good Nite". I didn't answer.
Then he called around 1 AM after he got out of work. I thought the phone was unplugged, but I guess it wasn't. I didn't answer the 1st time, then he called back - so I picked up. Minor chitchat, with one little thing - kidding around we were asking what the other was doing (like duh - it's 1 am - what else would we be doing!) - he replied "I'm headed home. I mean, I'm headed to my apartment". I didn't comment on that, let it slide by. He also asked if it was ok that he come here Saturday & Sunday to finish up the work on the yard, hang out with the kids, and other things that need to be done. I said OK. His mother asked us to dinner on Sunday - I may take the kids and go. Leave him here by himself. Haven't decided that yet. I may even go tomorrow and stay the night. Still trying to decide.
This morning he called and after talking with the kids asked to speak with me. That's unusual. He thanked me again for getting the info for him last night and said OK, I'll talk to you tonight. No, I'll call you later. " I said OK. I don't think I'll answer. I may go to wal-mart, lol - OT, and I won't answer my cell either.
Dropping my resume off today to a couple of places. Haven't heard from the old company yet. So, they can KMA! LOL I'm not sure they can give me what I would need anyway.
You know what OT does (and NYS used to do too) beyond give us good advice, at least for me? She makes me really take a look at my decisions and if I value them, am sure of them, really commit to them. She is like a wishy-washy filter. She does not allow us to short change ourselves by thinking we just have things happen to us. She forces us to take a stand for ourselves, even if it's first to her on the board (and in turn in real life) and in doing so, I think empowers us to make better, more reasoned decisions when all we seem to want to do is rashly react to every little thing that happens.
Sorry for the little hijack, but it occurred to me that I sometimes do the same thing you did by posting that "OT will get me for this". Maybe we need WWOTD braclets to wear. You know what though, I have found that if you are making the choice for yourself, even if it's maybe not the best one, and NOT allowing things to be decided for you, she usually is supportive. It's just when you are a victim that you get verbally smacked down. (I hope she doesn't get me for that...lol). Anyway, consider this my little tribute to OT. She's really helped me, and yes, we are lucky to have her.
Quote: You know what OT does (and NYS used to do too) beyond give us good advice, at least for me? She makes me really take a look at my decisions and if I value them, am sure of them, really commit to them. She is like a wishy-washy filter. She does not allow us to short change ourselves by thinking we just have things happen to us. She forces us to take a stand for ourselves, even if it's first to her on the board (and in turn in real life) and in doing so, I think empowers us to make better, more reasoned decisions when all we seem to want to do is rashly react to every little thing that happens.
Yes, I agree GH. This whole thing with SO working another night...it has me seeing red. Until I calm down, I just don't even want to think about it and I certainly don't want to dissect the subject into little pieces about why, blah, blah, blah. Right now, and my mind may change later, but right now, if I even try to think about it - it just gets me going. Not especially productive. This is the choice SO made on his own. I don't control him, only myself. How I deal with it will matter the most. And I think that by choosing to think about this further, I am not playing the doormat. Now if I were to CONTINUE in this manner, then yes, I would be the doormat. However, I can't make him be a father. He thinks that by making money - he is being a good provider. So this is tricky. And it's exactly why I want to get ideas for solutions.
Quote: it occurred to me that I sometimes do the same thing you did by posting that "OT will get me for this".
I guess I said this because I think SO is being a jerk, IMO. I guess I don't know where the line is in being cooperative and "letting him get away with things", for lack of better words. He says it won't be this way every weekend. So, how long do I give him? These are questions I'm asking myself. I've asked him for a schedule. He gave me a tentative one and now it has changed already. His job is also unpredictable. He's got contractual obligations to the station - when they tell him that they've booked him for a remote 2 weeks from now - he's got no choice but to work it. So, do I say - tough [censored], that's the day you have the kids? Once again - I don't know the right thing, the wrong thing, the doormat thing, the cooperative thing, watch my kids go be with a sitter, or WTF to do. At least not yet, I don't.
Furthermore, (i'm on a roll here! LOL) - I look at things in the short-term vs. long-term as well. His work schedule was a source of arguments between us when we were together. How much is too much? I've sometimes compared his work with - for instance an OTR Truck driver or military man/woman where one of the parents is away for work and the other is left as the primary caregiver. People in those R's or M's make them work. Even with children. Granted, it may not be the optimum scenario for raising a family, but what do you do? However, when faced with looming mortgage & car payments - does he stay home with the kids or does he go make that $500? I know, I KNOW - we are NOT in a committed R right now - just trying to voice what's in my head.
SO has expressed that he would not take all these night jobs if he were getting paid enough on the air. THAT won't happen until he's paid his dues. Does he quit his job - his career, to go be a shoe salesman just be home nights & weekends? Or does he stick it out until such a day where he doesn't have to work so much? Does the long-term goal get sacrificed for short term fixes? And where is the line? And is it even any of MY business anymore?
It is if you are thinking of/trying to be in a relationship with this man and his situation will likely be the same if and when your R is mended. You have to decide, and what better time to do it while you have time to think on your own, if his career and amount of time he's away is something you want to be a part of, or supportive of. If it has been an issue in the past, then it's likely to be one in the future. Maybe you make the decision now that it's something that will need to be addressed if/when you two get to the point of really working on the R. Sure, it's not YOUR life anymore, but if it may be again, it's not wrong to consider it, IMHO.
Imagine you get a job and SO says to you: "NM, I know we need the money and that your job is important to you. I just want you to know that I really support you getting a job and will help figure out how you can make this work with the kids. I've given it quite a lot of thought and I think I've figured out how much and when you can work. I expect you agree to my terms, and I certainly don't want you using a BABYSITTER if you get called in unexpectedly."
Now instead imagine you get a job and SO says to you: "NM, great news about your job! Let's figure out a visitation and childcare plan that works for both of us and the kids. We need to have something that we can plan in advance so that we both have reasonable opportunities to make our own plans."
Which option is truly supportive and caring? Which is controlling and manipulative?
What is so TERRIBLE about a babysitter? You are comfortable using childcare when you have the kids, but SO is an evil father for potentially doing so???
It is perfectly reasonable to think about how SO's job will affect childcare, and it would be irresponsible not to do so. But, why are you obsessing over whether you should accept his working or not? What are you going to do? He is an adult human being. Instead of trying to use your psychic abilities to determine how things might work out under various scenarios and then forcing the one you like best, why don't you seriously sit down and work with him on establishing a reliable schedule and setting some rules for it with respect to cancellation/alternative childcare/etc...
XH's first birthday out of the house he was flying to another state to visit family. We went out the night before. I asked if I could join him on the trip. He said he didn't know/how would it work/etc... because he didn't have the guts to say no. I said I'd figure it out. I proceeded to go home and make flight reservations that were fully refundable so no pressure (yeah right), and then talked to him and told him we were all set if he decided I could go. I'm not quite sure why I bring up this case, except that something about my controlling behavior and inappropriate invasive and intruding behavior remind me of what you are doing with SO and his job. Can't put my finger on it more than that....
