NM, I really think you're doing great. I thinking kicking your SO out was a good move for you, just like it was for me. It made detachment so much easier, helped me work through a lot of my hurt and anger, and helped me focus on GAL and get off the daily rollercoaster. Now, after being completely dark for three weeks, I'm able to DB effectively.
I'm glad that you're sticking to your guns about not ML. Since you made the decision, you have to stick to it. That one thing is clearly going to drive him crazy more than anything else.
Also, I think it is very good that his parents know. At first, my W was very angry that her parents and relatives "took my side" instead of hers, but that has gradually developed into her feeling depressed because she doesn't feel like part of her family anymore and she misses the relationships she had with them.
I think that anything (other than you) that adds to his emotional distress is good. He needs to be as depressed as possible. Being depressed will help him realize how good he had it before and missing that is your best hope.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
NM, I tried to post something yesterday but kept having problems. I want to say how thankful I am that you and your babies are ok... what a scary thing to have happen!
I think you are doing good a good job.
Let me ask again... have you read Love Must Be Tough yet??? I have it seting right here, I wish I could send it to you.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Yes RB, in our case, I really believe that this physical separation is for the best. He was young when we 1st got together (23), and hadn't really been on his own. I was 5 years older and had been out on my own since I was 17. I had experienced a bit more "life" than he had, including living alone, other R's; breakups ~ LIFE, as it were. I really think that makes a big difference in our maturity levels.
I'm just hypothesizing here, yet, there's times when he's literally blamed *me* for things - now, he's got no one to blame but himself. Now, he's experiencing what he's been fantasizing about. Real life. And everything that goes with it - good and bad. There's not much to blame on me these days. He's in control of his own life. And I'm in control of mine. Even I can see a big difference in myself since he's moved out. I've really been able to "let go".
When he was here, I constantly felt under the gun. It bothers me that it took him moving out to cause these changes, yet, we're not Romeo & Juliet. LOL I know we're not going to die from being apart. I'm hoping it brings us closer and helps us resolve the things that led to our problems.
The reality is - we had problems before OW. Sometimes I think about her - and I think about how it seems as though he's trying to substitute the "old" me with her. She looks similar to me, she's doing the things I was doing when we met (college, friends - the 20's lifestyle, lol); she's able to do the things that *WE* did when we first got together and before we had kids. Does that make sense? She's *ME* 10 years ago. I almost feel bad for the girl because she's got a high standard to follow - and she's not going to live up to my legacy! LMAO That sounded really vain, lmao.
Sara, I got the book from the library, but I must admit I didn't get to read it while I had it. I will have to get it again. I have a had hard time with his anger. I know it's not really directed at me, and I've been doing better with not taking it personally. Yet when facing it dead on, when he's right here in front of me, it gets hard.
So far today he's emailed me with "yesterday really sucked". In response I answered with "Good morning." He then emails "Good morning to you. Although I can't see what so good about it". My response, "...well lots of things are good about it. " Then from him: "oh yeah? Like what? Glad they are so good for you." Then me: "Well, any day that we wake up is usually a good one." He's been quiet since that.
See, he fishes, too. LOL Although I'm getting better with my detaching, I think.
Quote: The reality is - we had problems before OW. Sometimes I think about her - and I think about how it seems as though he's trying to substitute the "old" me with her. She looks similar to me, she's doing the things I was doing when we met (college, friends - the 20's lifestyle, lol); she's able to do the things that *WE* did when we first got together and before we had kids. Does that make sense? She's *ME* 10 years ago.
This is exactly what my W is doing with her OM. They are living our life from before the kids and I guess in some way that's comforting because, of course she HAS kids and so that life will eventually come to an end one way or another.
In terms of your handling the situation with SO, I think you're doing GREAT. It's hard, but necessary to make him feel the pain of his own actions. That's what the anger is. It's him feeling powerless over you and having to face himself in all this. It sucks to do that when you've gotten to have it all like he has. Now you are forcing him to understand that he gave away whatever power/influence he has with you when he did what he did. You may have stuck it out due to love or weakness but neither of those should carry you into the fire of hell if YOU decide they can't.
You are learning to be strong for YOU and resisting reaction to his anger or advances is great evidence of that. You are learning to BE. Maybe you're not the you of 10 years ago, but you are becoming the you that has all the vibrancy and love of life that woman had, coupled with the gifts that only experience and the love of your children can give you. That's better than anything anyone else has to offer you. Keep strong and just live it. You are doing great!
So far today he's emailed me with "yesterday really sucked". In response I answered with "Good morning." He then emails "Good morning to you. Although I can't see what so good about it". My response, "...well lots of things are good about it. " Then from him: "oh yeah? Like what? Glad they are so good for you." Then me: "Well, any day that we wake up is usually a good one." He's been quiet since that.
How did you feel about that exchange? What was its point for YOU?
Well, and I don't know how good of a job I'll do explaining this - I was trying to not get sucked into an exchange with him that wasn't good. I didn't want to say, too bad your day sucked because of the life you created for yourself, however I'm feeling very good regardless thank you.
I am in a good mood. I didn't want his mood to affect mine. It seemed like he was still pissy from yesterday and I wanted to turn it around....but trying not to flagrantly say in his face that I'm in a good mood and you're not and today I don't care. It's your problem, not mine.
What did it seem like I was saying, as an outsider reading this?
PS - Hi GH, thanks for stopping by and welcome back from your trip! Still thinking about what you posted.
It sounded pretty much like that. I guess I'm just wondering if these daily little back and forth things are good for you or if they are hurting you or neither. (I have no idea, lol.) If you want them for some reason, that's fine. But if you are just engaging with him to take care of his feelings at the expense of your own well being, that's problematic....
I know I spent a lot of time and energy on this kind of interaction with XH that really was not good for me or for our R. But, you and SO are different individuals in a different R, so things might be different for you.
A normal answer to him (the old, negative me) would have answered along the lines of: "Why, what's wrong? How come your day isn't so good?" - trying to fish for something from him.
Or, if I was in a really bad mood: "Sorry you're having a bad day but this is what you chose." Or "I'm having a bad day too. This sucks, I miss you" - or some other kind of sad-sack exchange.
I'm trying to do things different, I guess.
For instance, we have broadband, so I usually sign on & just leave the computer on. I don't know why - because I can, I guess. When he was really busy with work, email/IM was sometimes our only communication - that probably has something to do with it. These days, I haven't been staying online - I sign off. I haven't been answering his emails right away; nor do I even read them right away. I actually found a way to forward them to myself so he can't see that I read them and can think about whatever it is he said before he knows that I read it.
Just a little while ago, he emailed me and then IM'd me....with no response from me because I was in the kitchen no where near the computer. So, when he got no response from me, he called - telling me he IM'd & emailed. WTH?? LOL BTW - the email was an apology for him acting badly yesterday. Go figure.
I'm not sure about these interactions, either, OT. Whether they are good or bad. I DO try to break the patterns....but like I said, he'll take it upon himself to call if he wants to. At 8 AM, he KNOWS I'm home - where else would I be? I have tried telling him to lay off - that seems to make him do it more. So working with what I have, I'm trying to do it differently - do ANYTHING differently just to get out of the old, comfortable rut that we've been stuck in.
Still waiting for the results to come back on my progress.
Sounds good -- you are working on yourself in these interactions for yourself :-)
OL BTW - the email was an apology for him acting badly yesterday. Go figure.
This makes perfect sense to me. You didn't fix things for him yesterday, so he had to look at himself. This morning you didn't respond to his indirect communication about being a butthead yesterday and tell him it was really OK, you understood. That is, you didn't fix things for him this morning either.
He had to do something with his discomfort, and actually taking a look at himself and then truly apologizing was probably much better for both HIM and YOU than what would have happened if you had gone into the fixing/comforting mode.
In a nutshell, you gave him space to get get honest with himself and do something productive with what he found.
Can you tell COMMUNICATION is our biggest problem???
I think both of us are so afraid of saying what we really think or feel. And it's been this way for a while.
And right now, I don't want anything negative associated with ME. LOL Let's leave that to the OW to take care of all by herself.
I want all exchanges and interactions between him & I to be good, fun, happy ones. Because as you said, Oldtimer, we are NOT in a committed R anymore. And until (or IF) we ever are again, things will need to be different.
So, I'm hoping that by doing the things that I can do differently NOW, break the BAD communication cycles about "little" things now....it will help in the long run.
And, gosh - if I'm doing it wrong - please tell me. I'm so dense & have tunnel vision sometimes. I don't always come up with the most creative of solutions.
" Then from him: "oh yeah? Like what? Glad they are so good for you." Then me: "Well, any day that we wake up is usually a good one." He's been quiet since that. 
