Oh, my, Joe - it's a long story. MIL was a classic WAW when H and his 4 sibs were teens. Also the 1970's women's lib movement probably didn't help (I'm a feminist, btw, it's just that I remember the atmosphere at the time, it was all about how women were being oppressed by men).
Granted, she had married young and had 5 kids in 7 years. Granted, FIL was a difficult dogmatic workaholic guy - but also salt-of-the-earth, working hard for his family and beautiful wife, built up a successful construction business.
I don't know all the details, but I do know she was at least flirting with other men (some disgruntled suitor tried to set fire to their summer cabin with the whole family inside). Then she went to law school and I think thought her new academic friends were more interesting than her husband with grease on his hands.
To tell the truth, I don't know if her current H was the OM when she left the marriage or not (I don't think he was). I'm sure there was one. And in typical WAW fashion, she didn't do anything to make it easier for the kids. The three boys cut off all contact with her as they watched their dad fall apart over her betrayal. The two girls kept in touch.
Now it's 30 years later. I helped my H decide to re-establish contact with her after our oldest son was born (19 years ago). H realized that the burden of not speaking to her was greater than the burden of having a polite relationship, and he didn't want to pass on family dysfunction to the next generation.
One of H's brothers just established contact with her this year, and the other brother still won't have anything to do with her.
Frankly, I think the kids could have gotten over her divorcing their dad - they love him but know he can be difficult. I think what they have a hard time forgiving is the way she abandoned them in the process - forgetting birthdays, buying crappy thoughtless Xmas presents while they saw her putting effort into her new friends, etc.
As for her new life? She and her second H seem happy, they've been together for a long time now. He's a retired English professor, almost the complete opposite of my FIL. Funny, though, I can see the ways in which FIL was actually better suited to her. She's a handy, take-charge kind of person, FIL is too - while her current H is hopeless with a toolbox. Her H is much more passive. I can see that, if she and FIL had been able to work through their rough patch, he could have been better suited to her now.
FIL, sadly, has let the bitterness corrode his life since. He truly loved MIL and thought he had the perfect family - he's never really gotten over it.
A lesson there, I guess, for LBSs. MIL inflicted the initial blow - but FIL is the one who made the choice to hold onto the pain and let it affect the rest of his life.
That is so sad! It demonstrates, again, how our families can effect how we end up as adults - if we let it. My FIL had many affairs during his M to my MIL, but she was the one that finally left with OW. She left while my H was away at camp. He was 12 years old, and came home to all the upheaval. MIL went to live in Germany with OW, for 2 years, before coming back to home country, apparently she missed her kids. Ha! H has one other younger brother with FIL, and 3 step-brothers from MIL's first M. FIL married a couple of years later to S-MIL (who was, initially, quite the wicked step-mother, until she became a born-again Christian, and is an absolute sweetheart now). My H has observed FIL having dinner, and going out with various OW during this second M. So, I am not terribly surprised that my H was able to convince himself that it was okay to do what he did.
My parents, on the other hand, were faithful to the end. Both passed away quite young - dad was 49, and mom 54. So, although they fought sometimes, I had that example of spousal loyalty. Grief! The things we do, and wonder why our kids turn out the way they do.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey Ellie... Have always thought that you give good advice. I have been stuck in my sitch for almost a year now.. (in one week will be a year). I still don't see real progress in my sitch. I don't know what else I can do. I don't want to file the legal papers as that would be toooooo easy for H. I know the legal papers just dissolve the legality of my marriage, doesn't change our R one bit. But how do I move on? I have been doing rather well on my own, with the kids... and then H would call and be all concerned and all, and I get depressed again. And seem like I have to start climbing again.
Any ideas on how to quit smoking? I tried cold turkey.Almost got fired.I don't want to try wellbutrin yet.Is the patch a good idea?
I'm thinking the smoking is what makes my fingers go numb.So I gotta do it.But I break down and smoke under stress.I tried hard candy and gum.I'm out of ideas.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I used a book from (I think) the American Cancer Society, something like "Quit Smoking in 21 Days." I shouldn't have needed anything, after all. I was very good at quitting, having done it hundreds of times before.
Some of the things I remember:
The third day smoke free can be the worst because you feel the lack of nicotine fully then.
Chewing stick cinnamon works for some people (like me) better than hard candy.
Drink LOTS of water. It helps flush the toxins out, it helps you feel full, and it's a good habit to start anyway.
This wasn't in the book, I don't think, but I didn't tell anyone when I was quitting because I didn't want well-meaning friends to ask how I was doing.
I quit 18 years ago. I did it prior to asking XW out for the first time, just in case she didn't like smoke. I had a few incidents in the early years when I smoked while at the bar with friends, maybe a dozen times in the first five years. But the last several times I've been out, I haven't smoked, and at a party last summer I actually left early because the smoke was bothering me.
This whole "XW chapter" of my life seems to have been about prompting change in myself, and later understanding that I can keep good changes for myself. Good thing, because I can't afford smokes today.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Briget - The patches or the nicotine gum can be helpful in getting through the withdrawal phase. Most people don't use the gum properly, though - you just chew it a couple of times to release the nicotine, then park it in your cheek like chewing tobacco. When the cravings return, give it a couple more chews and park it again.
The patches come in three strengths so you can gradually decrease the dose. People who wake up craving a cigarette usually need to start with the highest dose - lighter smokers find the highest dose patch too strong, and need to start with the middle dose.
One KEY thing you need to do to prevent relapse when you get off the nicotine patch or gum - you need to use that time on the patch to CHANGE YOUR HABITS AND SURROUNDINGS. Basically, you have worn a "groove" in your brain of all the habits and cues you associate with smoking. You cannot expect to do the same things in the same places at the same times and NOT crave a cigarette. So - you need to get creative about recognizing your triggers and changing them.
Do you always smoke when you talk on the phone? Put it on speakerphone and keep some knitting by the phone to occupy your hands. Move the phone to another room.
Do you always have a cigarette with your morning coffee at the breakfast nook? Move breakfast outside and have iced coffee or diet coke for your caffeine fix instead.
Do you always smoke when you drive? Keep a giant carton of chewing gum in the car.
Figure out the when and where of your cravings, and consciously plan to change those things. meanwhile, use the patch or the gum to gradually wean yourself off the nicotine.
Also - calculate how much you spend in a year on cigarettes (you'll be appalled!) and think of some really great thing you could buy yourself with that money instead. Post a picture of that item in a prominent place where you'll see it and be reminded of what smoking costs you - and what you'll gain by giving it up.
I have a new name, but I remember you from when I used to post years ago. And, I've even seen you in person. But, no guesses as to my old pseudonym here please. Names are changed for a reason... Anyway, I'm now pregnant and started on levoxyl last summer before I got pregnant.
I just heard from my endo that he wants to decrease my dose -- I was surprised as I thought it would increase during the pregnancy (25 weeks).
Anyway, I'm at 125 mg, he is reducing it to 100 mg.
Here are my numbers:
Total T4: 14.5 Total T3: 255 TSH: 0.09 Free T4: 1.2
Watcha think? Also, if I've been getting too much, how would this make me feel? Anxious? Sensitive? Impatient? B*tchy? Stressed? Tired? It's hard for me to know what is from thyroid and what is from pregnancy.
Thanks and I'm glad things are going so well for you and H. Things are great for me (obviously :-) )
Hey there, OT - Did we meet in Boston, or here in San Diego? Trying to figure out which of my buddies got knocked up!
Okay, let's talk about your thyroid. I think you're right to be hesitant about a decrease in dose while pregnant. Usually requirements would increase, if they change at all (although autoimmune diseases can quiet down during pregnancy, so I suppose some Hashi's patients might actually improve). Here are the dilemmas:
TSH is considered by most endos to be the most "sensitive" measure of how much thyroid hormone you're getting (this measures the pituitary's reaction to your circulating hormone levels - goes up when you don't have enough thyroid hormone, goes down when you have too much). The problem with this approach is, while TSH isn't a bad tool for screening for new thyroid disease, many thyroid patients who are on thyroid hormone replacement find that their symptoms don't match that well with the TSH numbers. Doctors get over-reliant on this supposedly splendid test and fall into the trap of treating the "numbers" and not the patient. Some thyroid patients don't feel well unless their TSH is lowered into the "abnormal" range - others would feel very hyperthyroid if they did that.
Free T4 AND Free T3 are both important to measure. T4 is the less-active form of the hormone, which gets converted into the more-active T3. Doctors ASSume that your body is efficiently converting T4 to T3 when they give you a pure T4 drug like Synthroid. This works for most people but there are some who cannot convert T4 to T3 very well, they still have hypothyroid symptoms even when on Synthroid. Checking the Free T3 helps to verify that your body is converting okay. I notice you did not have a free T3 done, I would insist on one before changing your dose.
You don't include the normal ranges for your lab but it looks like your free T4 level is in the middle of the range, am I right?
Sometimes it is best to take a good look at how the patient is feeling and use that to guide dosage decisions. Unfortunately, that can be trickier than it sounds, as other things can cause similar symptoms, and sometimes people can have similar symptoms at either end of the range (I have fatigue, for instance, if I am too high OR too low).
Are you having any symptoms you think are due to hyperthyroidism? Typical symptoms would be rapid heartrate (increased resting pulse), feeling too warm (although pregnancy hormones do that too), loose or more frequent bowel movements, tremor (shaky hands), insomnia, anxiety (although I have this more when I am low), warm moist skin, and generally a "caffeinated" feeling like you've drunk too much coffee. I was also irritable when hyper, but pregnancy can do that too
Do any of these symptoms sound familiar? If you feel fine, then I would refuse to lower the dose until they at least repeat your bloodwork with a free T3 also.
Thanks for the symptoms-- my hands have been shaking when working at the computer, and I've been feeling alot of anxiety and been irritable. Not sure about the caffeine thing as I've never been a coffee drinker, but I've definitely felt tightly strung and not known what is up. I've also been crazy impatient to the degree that I've recognized it and commented on it. Oh, and I've felt my heart skip a beat, or be a bit irregular, after hot sex a few times.
It is weird that my numbers are sliding toward the hyperthyroid end of things rather than the other direction.
I'm not sure what the reference ranges are, but, about one number, he asked about the pulmacort I'm using, which I've started using regularly, and told me that he thought that explained one of the numbers. I don't know which, but this was before he had all the labwork back....
