In a nut shell, my gut feeling was correct. STBXH wanted to reconcile because he has some issues/troubles. He got a DUI the first weekend of March, and that scared him. Also he had to take another loan to hire a lawyer for this paperwork. So he now has three different attorney debt (1 related to his 2004 SA arrest, 2 divorce work, 3 DUI). His lease is up by the end of next month. His work is not going well and he is worried that he may lose his job. Basically, he has no money and he misses my money and our comfortable house and lifestyle. I knew it.

After I learned this (and he confirmed that his DUI incident prompted him to approach me for reconciliation), something big just broke down inside of me. I just feel I lost all of my remaining love, respect, and trust for him. He is a total a$$ and not even worth considering at this point. He is a user. He is manupulative, as all addicts are.

Today when he came by, I was looking at him and could not believe I was once in love with this man. He does not even look good anymore, maybe because of all the drugs he took, or because he has been depressed for so long, or who knows what, but his eyes look so dead. He looks so much older now. His skin looks dead too. He has no expression on his face. Everytime he spoke, his face was screaming "I am lying". Why do I want this??

Tonight I was going through some pix taken before H moved out. To certain extent they helped remind me some good memories and feelings I had for him, but those days seem such a long time ago. And unfortunately, we cannot live in the past. The only thing we have is the present and the future.

When I think of current H and our future, I have very dark and heavy feeling. I will certainly not let him move back in unless I feel we can at least try to work on our M together. Actually, even if, say we start going to MC, I still prefer that he stays at his apartment for the time being. This is to protect DS3's innocent heart. He does not need to know that we may be trying to rebuild our M. Of course he will get excited and raise his hopes way up. Only after a few months of going to MC together and feeling a bit more relaxed, then I may consider H's moving back.

But I am not even there emotionally yet. A part of me tells me that maybe at least I should give MC a try, but another part tells me "you are only fooling yourself trying to believe that H will ever change and become an honorable person - he is manupulative and always ends up using you for his own benefits. Why do you want to waste your time?" This is a horrible feeling, but I really, honestly cannot trust H now. Even today when he was inside the house, I was worried that he may take something from the house. My trust for someone I spent the past 15 years with became this low!! I couldn't believe it! But he truly became, from the trust stand point, a stranger or even worse than a stranger. It will probably take millions of years to rebuild the broken trust.

I do not want to regret, but feel that either way I will regret. If I stay with H, I know almost FOR SURE that I will regret it. Because I can already tell that he is not well yet and will just repeat the same pattern and I will feel like a fool. At the same time, if I D, I will probably regret it at some point, for emotional reasons. Especially if S3 mention something about H, I will feel bad for him and might ask myself if I have given enough chance to try to recover our broken M. Or if I remember good old days, I will probably miss H.

Thanks for letting me vent... I will take one day at a time for now.

Hoping