Went out to dinner with STBX. I tried to be casual, but it was hard at the beginning to even smile at him. After all he hurt me so much that I thought my life was ending. How can I pretend I am so happy to see him???
But I tried. I was already ticked off that he did not open the door for me nor pulled the chair for me. NONE. He just grabbed the menu and decided what he wanted. No asking me what I wanted or anything.
So I just ordered whatever I like. Then we started talking. Again, I did not bring up our M issues. I was going to let him talk.
H started: H: "...so, do you think we can try again?" Me: "I don't know." H: "Do you think we have patience for each other?" M: "It's not about the patience...., just that too much water went under the bridge and I am not sure if I can trust again." H: "hmmm" M: "...., what made you want to try again, what has changed?" H: "..., what do you think we need to do?" M: "No, I want to know what your plans are for this." H: "What, you think only I NEED TO CHANGE??" M: "H, I am not saying that, but you LEFT and you were so adamant about the divorce - why changed your mind now?" H: "...I never want to feel like before, ever again, I felt suffocating. And this (leaving and filing for divorce) was my way of showing you that I was serious." M: "So did you file for divorce to let me know you were serious??" H: "...."
While we were talking, I tried to lighten up the scene a bit by talking about the food here and there.
H: "You were always upstairs in the bathroom or doing something alone and we never watched movies together or cuddled together, that has to change." M: "We can watch movies together, yes, I can change that, but sometimes I just need to take my time to relax in the bathroom." H: "Yea, I know... So if we are going to give us a second chance, we can take some program together or something - something should be available, don't you think? (I had an urge to tell him about marriage coaching sessions, but for now decided not to go into too much details, so I was just nodding) And... I do not ever want to go back to our MC we used a couple of times." Me: "You didn't like him?" H: "No, he said 'I'm surprised you two have lasted this long'." Me: "He didn't say that." H: "Yes, he did."
This was news to me. We went to see this old man only a couple of times, and thought H did not want to go back b/c the counselor pointed out H's issues (addictions, laziness, lies, weak personality, etc.) immediately and thought H was very uncomfortable. I seriously do not recall hearing him saying that our M should have ended sooner. I think H misheard him, but that's okay, I let go.
Then we started talking about our jobs, and he mentioned that he posted his resume on the web and has been receiving many phone calls from companies and headhunters.
Me: "Are you looking for a job again?"
He just started this new job last May - before losing his job only after one year, and prior to that, he lost his good paying job after three years. But on average, he has been changing his jobs EVERY TWO YEARS. He always claims he has issues with people/bosses, but if this happened to him for 8 times, he should realize that the common factor = HIM!!!
H: "No, I am just testing the market." M: "... (not believing him AT ALL)" H: "Well, okay, I got a pretty bad review, to be honest with you, but it's okay, I'm not worried." M: "... (that's what he has said the past several times...)" H: "My boss is a nagger, you know, and he pisses me off." M: ".... (WILL YOU QUIT BLAMING OTHERS ALL THE TIME??? YOU ALWAYS BLAMED YOUR BOSSES FOR THE PAST 8 DIFFERENT JOBS!!! TIME TO WAKE UP AND SEE IF YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!!)" H: "How is your job?" M: "It's good, I've been busy." H: "You always get good bosses and you always do well in your job (NO! I just do not blame my bosses for my under-performance! Yes, I have always had good relationships with my bosses and colleagues in all the jobs I have had in the past)." M: "No, I actually got a bad review myself this time, b/c I basically could not work the most of last year. I was always crying in my office with the door always being closed. So I knew I was not performing. When I got a review, my boss asked if I had any comments or questions, so I told him 'no, I think this is a fair review. I did not perform last year, I am sorry'. Then he said 'I actually heard that you are going through some personal difficulties. Please let us know if there is anything we can do, b/c we are on your side.' You know, they did not have to be that nice to me, they are not my family, but they did, so I decided this year to work much harder - it's time for me to return something to them. So I've been working hard and producing much more reports and they are happy about that."
H: "That's good. It was hard for me too, I had this fear..." M: "What fear?" H: "A fear of loneliness and abandonment (YOU abandoned us, hello?). But I did not want that to be the reason for me to come back. Because I love S3 to death... (no mention of ME)" M: "But the S3 factor has always been there, it's not like he was just born yesterday - you were okay with leaving him 10 months ago." H: "..."
We also talked about his sex addiction a bit, but not much, b/c I sensed that he was probably uncomfortable talking about it in public. We had a few nice laughs when we talked about S3. He also mentioned his debt and asked me to give him the bank letters whenever I receive them (this debt is related to his arrest in June 2004).
So basically these are the conversations we had. Then we left the restaurant. I did not feel comfortable to give him a hug, so we just walked out to the parking lot together, but that was it. He came out to my car to check on the license sticker and said to me "it's due in May, so if you receive a mail, you need to include it and return with your check, okay." M: "Okay" H: "I wrote to the states asking to send the letter (I received one before but apparently discarded it) to XXX (my address), so if you receive it, I need to have it." M: "Okay" H: "Drive safe." M: "Yea, thanks, you too."
So it wasn't bad, but I really think TO THIS DATE he still believes that I was the source of his unhappiness and I need to change a big time. I know there are many things I can improve, so that part is fine, but I do not think he thinks leaving his family like he did and how he handled the whole D thing (lies, lies, and lies) was horrible.
I will continue to have dialogue with him, but not have any high expectations. Also, I have to be honest. The whole job situation really disappoints me. He has an MBA, just like me, yet he just cannot perform. He always ends up disliking his bosses and colleagues. Then he blames them for his not doing a good job. And I know he feels inadequate b/c I have always performed better than him. Why can't he realize that it's HIM? How many jobs does he have to hold in order to realize this? In our M he also blamed me and still does. In the end, nothing has changed. Whether it's his job or M, it's always someone else's fault.
I have so many weaknesses and short comings, but one thing is that I have always had good friends, bosses and colleagues. Can't he think that MAYBE I am not such a bad person after all, and I MAY be capable of maintaining good relationships with others, and I MAY not be the only one to be blamed in our M....???
Baby steps...., if I choose to take them... if I think he will realize HE has many issues and become more humble....
