Thanks Sam and Just. Okay, I am confused... You guys actually "recovered", so I think you two really know what's going on. So I truly value your advice.
On the other hand, others have suggested that I should set up boundaries and also be straighforward with H to see if he is serious, and should not get S3 involved.
I want to protect S3, yet I hear what you are saying. Knowing H's personality, your approach probably works better, which is to just "go with the flow". But I am very scared, b/c I do not want to go through what I and S3 went through all over again.
Now, here is the update..., basically, NOTHING!!! In the end, I just simply replied to his email (he wanted to have dinner with us but S3 had his last Karate lesson) yesterday afternoon saying:
"Actually, tonight is not a good day because S3 has his class and we will be late."
I did not want to go into our R talk or anything, so simply replied to his request for dinner. I did not suggest to pick another day or anything, but did not think this sounded too cold either. Besides, he should know by now that S3 has his classes on Tuesdays (I have told him about S3's Karate classes several times before).
What was his reaction to this? Absolutely NOTHING!!!
I could tell he is upset, b/c I am not agreeing with him or jumping onto his idea of reconciliation right away.
Shortly after he moved out last May, one day he called me several times at home, but I was out so did not get his messages till I got home late. Since it was too late, I just called him back the next day. But in the mean time, he left nasty messages - one said "since you are not talking to me, I am going to talk to a lawyer!". I called back and told him "but H, I was out - how am I supposed to answer your calls if I was not here???"
He is very impulsive, and short-tempered. If he does not get what he wants right away, he gets mad. I am pretty sure he has OCD.
This thing bothers me, b/c it appears H is not very serious about the recovery. If he really wants, he should not get mad at me just b/c I did not say "yes" right away, doesn't he?
Having said that, since I haven't officially answered to his "request" of giving our M another chance, I want to send him an email today. Now, this one talks about "serious stuff", b/c I wrote this before reading your posts/advice. Again, others have suggested that I should be clear on what my concerns are, etc., so this letter includes those of my questions/concerns.
--------- Dear H:
Hope you received my email yesterday about S3's class. It was his last Karate class and he did okay - he was a bit distracted. In April, he is starting his swimming classes and hopefully he will be more interested in them.
I have given a lot of thought on what you suggested. I agree that having both parents is the best thing for S3. I know he misses having a male figure in the house.
At the same time, I do not want to break his heart again. He is now used to his new routine, and the last thing I want to do is to get his hopes high up and crash them - that will scar him so much.
I think we can have dinner or something alone, without DS3, sometime to talk in person. What do you think?
Hoping --------------------------------
What do you think? I know, it's better to find out now if H is serious or not, and this is a good test - if he changed his mind ALREADY, of course it would not have worked out, so it's good, but at the same time I want to believe it is going to work, so seeing him this way makes me sad. Or maybe he KNOWS if he makes me nervous he gains power.... This might be a power game.
