Hoping I just typed the following info to you below and saw that you had posted with more questions. I am going to post this now. I will be rereading what you just wrote and respond when I am finished. I want to post this for now.
Listen to this chapter Hoping. You have to get this book!
This is a short section on how and why the male needs to be accepted. It is from the second book I gave you by John Grey, "Men, Women and Relationships"
"The Male Need to be Accepted
When a man is "accepted," he is received willingly. This attitude cultures a man's belief in his abilities. When a man's actions are unconditionally accepted then he feels free to explore ways he can improve those actions. For this reason, acceptance is the basis of behavioral changes in a relationship. This need for acceptance is especially important for men. Sometimes women appear to accept a man based upon his potential, however; this is not true acceptance. They are waiting for the day when he will change, and then they will be able to accept him. But men need to be accepted for who they are today, not who they will be tomorrow. A man will tend to become stubborn and resistant to change when he senses that he in not being accepted. When a women does not accept a man, she will feel compelled to change him. She will tend to offer suggestions that will assist him in changing, even when he has not asked. Some men are open to suggestions as long as they have requested them, but a man typically feels unaccepted when a woman is preoccupied with changing him or "improving" him. She imagines that she is respecting his needs by wanting to help; he fells disrespected, manipulated, and unaccepted. When a man does not feel accepted, he will unconsciously or consciously resist change. A man is motivated to change by hearing and understanding a woman's feelings and needs. When he senses that his attempts to support her will be welcomed and appreciated, then he easily inspired to fulfill her wishes. Her acceptance ensures that if he fails he will not be disapproved of, but will be willingly received with some gratitude for his efforts. Acceptance allows him to feel that who he is today is enough to please and satisfy his mate. With this kind of confidence his is more willing and able to give his parner the respect and understanding she deserves. Most women do not know this secret about men. They mistakenly believe that the way to motivate a man to change is to complain, nag or disapprove. When a man feels his imperfections are unaccepted, it may take days before he can come back to his true, giving self. One of the ways he unconsciously or consciously gets revenge for his partner's nonacceptance is to repeat the very behavior that she resists. A women does not understand this, because when a man is unaccepting of her behavior, one of her first reactions is to change or improve her behavior. In this respect women are much more secure than men; they can listen to feedback about ways they can improve their behavior without as much resistance, sensitivity or defensiveness. Certainly a man can take feedback, but he needs to be feeling good about himself and be willing to hear it. Rarely is it effective to give unrequested criticism or advice to a man. A man is sensitive to correction when he is feeling his need to be accepted; if he already feels accepted, he can easily take the feedback."
This is some good stuff Hoping. I am going to reread this book. Even though I read it before, I have forgotten a lot of these things and have stopped applying them. It is time to retune things and make them better. I am so glad I pulled this book out of the closet!
You want to hear a funny story. When ex and I were first married, I read John Grey's first book. It was really popular back then. I latched onto the part about being thankful. It says this will motivate the man to do more. It was like working voodoo on ex. He became my personal slave!!! I am evil I know. He came home for work that evening and did something like wash the dishes--I can't remember. I hid the book under the bed and did what it said. I went on and on thanking him. Next, he started doing my laundry and cleaning the whole house!! I can distinctively remember sitting in the bedroom laughing. I called my mom and she just loved it!!! It was so funny!!!That was a long time ago when we were first in love though. Things have gotton a lot more complicated since then. Too bad I forgot about that book back then. I should have kept pulling it out and retuning things. Funny!!!!
