I don't know what to advise you to do. This is difficult. I do think this though.
I don't think you should include the middle paragraph in your email to him. If he is wanting to be back together for the reasons you listed, he is not going to tell you. Putting all those questions out there like that just sounds like more of the same behavior from the past. It is going to keep things going the way they have always been. There seems to be a child-parent aspect to you and your husband's relationship. This just seem to just gets things started back into the same cycle.
Have you read "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus"? I read this book and applied it to my situation and it worked wonders. I can hear so much of myself in you when you speak. I am very controlling and believe things should happen a certain sort of way. I had me and ex's life all planned without any input from him. I made the list and he followed. This led to disaster.
I also see my mother do this same sort of thing in her marriage. I don't want to be like my parents so I made effort to change. It was like I could see 20 years into my future watching them. My parents have a parent-child relationship. My mom is the parent and my dad is the child. It just makes my mother crazy that my dad won't do this or that. After being with my mother for so many years, my father took on the child role in the relationship because it was the only way he could survive. I clearly see why my mom gets so frustrated with my father, but I also see how my mom creates the situation. I usual see things from my mom's perspective more than my fathers, however; it is because things seem so far gone that there is no other way. I start thinking, "Dad, she will never change so you be the one to step up to bat." My mom will never change so why even try telling her things. Years and years of this parent-child role has created their situation. For them it is pretty much hopeless.
Anyway I am reading key areas in the book and putting them out here. It says that men feel motivated when they feel "needed". Why would your husband feel motivated when you let him know that you definitely don't need him for anything? I hope you don't feel insulted by what I am saying. It is just that I can see the path you are taking because I have been down this same path.
Let me explain this path. I was engaged to a guy that sounds a lot like your husband. He was laid back and I was a planner. Eventually, I realized that being with him would turn my life into a constant struggle with money and finances. He seemed to have little motivation. I don't really know if that was true or not, but it was true when I interacted with him. Then I met my husband who I chose because he seemed to be the exact opposite of my former fiance. What happened? Ex started to act just like the guy I was engaged to. Was ex really like this--No! Now that I am not in ex's life, he pays his bills and gets things done just fine without me there. I created the situation by constantly being a nagging winch. I think that is why he left me too. He had to much self-esteem to put up with a nagging winch like me. Even though he is a drug addict, his life stays intact as far as money and daily responsibility is concerned.
The book also says that three primary needs for a man are to be appreciated, accepted and trusted. Like you I showed my ex none of these things. Oh!!!!--In the beginning I did, but as time moved forward I did these things less and less. By the time our divorce was filed it was very impossible to show an ounce of appreciation, acceptance and trust. He deserved none of these.
I wanted to be different though because I wanted my marriage to work. I started out slow by showing appreciation for little things. I thanked ex for paying me the money in our divorce settlement. Was this money deservedly mine? Of course! But I thanked him anyway. This motivated him to do more and more for me. It started a snowball effect. He tells me all the time that his main goal in life is to pay me every penny I am owed. Can you believe that!! My newly, learned behavior changed the way ex interacted with me.
I then tried to trust him. I started by letting go of his addiction. I stopped trying to control it. I let him know that I trusted that he was capable of getting better all on his own because he is. People are strong Hoping. They are capable of managing just fine without us. Going to Alanon helped me do this. If fact that is what Alanon is all about. Not trying to control the person's addiction and trusting that God will do that job. Shoot as I read this stuff in this book, I am reapplying to my own situation in a better way. I may have to read this book tonight.
As for acceptance, this was hard to do. If only ex did this or that, his life would be so much better. I let it go though, and I showed love for all of him--warts and all. Yes, he knows we can't be together if he is a drug addict, but he knows I love him anyway. This motivates him to do more and be a better person.
This is a way far-off tangent that you may not want to deal with now. I know you are at a crossroads right now, and you have more urgent things happening. I am going to put it out there anyways. I just don't want to see you go down the same old path.
Yes, your husband wrong too. He seems to be making mistake after mistake. However, you are only in control of you. This means it is up to you to make the first set of changes.
The books are 1. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 2. Men, Women and Relationships - I highly recommend this book in addition to the first one. It is great!
Both are by John Grey which I am sure you already know.
Hope things are still going well. I am sure you thought this day would never come and things seem more complicated than ever. Best wishes and God bless. You are a good Mom, Hoping. Your son is lucky to have you. I can just picture a three-year old skiing. How cute!!! I hope this all works out for you and your family. I think it will!
