My sitch. After 20 years of marriage and 4 children I have a WAW although she is still with me. I found out 2 months ago that she has been seeing the OM for about a year. When I initially confronted her that I knew what was going on, she confirmed it and she said she was in love with the OM – but that she still loved me. She said she needed time to work things out and early on said she was “trying to forget about him”.
Luckily, in my web search for information on divorce I found the DB site and decided I wanted to see if I could save our marriage. I have read the DB books and listened to the Keeping Love Alive Tapes. I have a local counselor and had one DB conf call. So I have been doing many of the things mentioned in DB – giving her space – doing more of my own thing, being her friend, etc.
The problem is I now have information that she continues to see the OM as often as she can. I broke the rules last night and asked her if she was still seeing him. She of course got mad and said she had answered that question weeks ago and did not want to answer again (reading between the lines – she did not want to lie to my face again). Then she said she had no relationship with the OM (OK, so she has no problem lying to my face after all). The rest of what she said last night made it clear she had no plan.
I was able to do OK with the DB strategy when I thought she was not seeing the OM. My wife and I have had some very good days together and it seemed like things were on track – but now I really wonder if any positive energy I got from her was only because she knew she would be seeing the OM soon.
My question is this:
I believe the DB course of action here would be to continue to show her support, do my own thing, not bring up the relationship, etc. - but this seems like it will go on forever - she will continue to see him. Knowing this is going on is taking its toll on me. Waiting for her to bring up our relationship seems unrealistic. I went for 2 weeks and she never brought it up.
Is it time to confront her – with evidence that she is seeing the OM?
I know that may push her out – but I don’t know how long I can tolerate this situation. It feels very fake for me to “act as if” I know nothing. I might be better if I didn’t – but going for weeks with her never bringing up our relationship is getting to me.
Most of what I have read or listened to is about working on the relationship even if it is just me working on it.
If she would stop seeing him I think we have an excellent chance of saving our marriage – but I think she does not know what she wants.
Thank you in advance for your advice and support. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever dealt with.
