"If I can't have normal sex with my wife, I'm a failure as a man and lover. I feel like a real loser and I can't stop thinking about the problem."
Men who equate sexual satisfaction solely with performance may think of themselves as failures. This problem causes a lapse of confidence and a crisis in self-esteem. Men commonly report that the problem occupies a lot of their mental energy and that they can't seem to stop thinking about their problem.
"If I show her affection, she'll want to have intercourse and then what?"
Men with erectile difficulties tend to emotionally and physically withdraw from their partners. They fear that any physical affection will precipitate a request or desire for intercourse from their mates and remind them of their inability to achieve an erection. Compounding the problem, women may also cease being affectionate.
"Something must be wrong with me. I feel that I have no control over my own body and now that sex is out, I'm lonely. She won't touch me anymore."
Many men, especially older ones, think that it is inappropriate to need nurture and affection. So, they frequently do without the warmth, comfort and emotional support often more available to women. It is frequently considered inappropriate for a man to admit that he needs a hug and someone to hold him. When a man cannot perform intercourse and satisfy his own(and his partner's)sexual needs, he feels emasculated, devastated and very much alone.
"If I can't meet her sexual needs, she will leave me."
Men, too, share fears of abandonment. Younger men, particularly, feel vulnerable and concerned that their partner will seek a new, more fulfilling, less problematic relationship. To some extent their fears are realistic. A younger woman may want to have an active sexual life and over a long period of time be less patient and supportive.
"Before I developed my erectile problem, I found my partner sexually stimulating. Not any more. The thrill is gone. I wonder if I've fallen out of love? She just doesn't appeal to me anymore."
When a man or woman loses a loving sexual relationship due to impotence, either or both individuals may choose to "desexualize" their mate. Paul describes his feelings about Ellen. "I used to be very frustrated about being impotent. I'd feel excited, but my body wouldn't respond. I'd think about how wonderful our relationship was for so many years and get so damned depressed. Now I try to block everything out and think of Ellen as my sister."
Feeling enormously guilty, Paul could not confide in anyone about his lack of sexual desire and his fear that he had "fallen out of love."
Intellectually, he just turned himself off. Sometimes women do the same thing. After experiencing the pain associated with rejection and partner apathy, women divert their attention to other matters in order to compensate for the loss of their sexual partner. Lil note: Hmmmmm.....
It may take counseling intervention before couples can rekindle romance and "reprogram" themselves and once again think of each other as desirable, stimulating sexual companions.
