Hello, everyone. I didn't want to hijack GreenEyedLass' thread, so I decided to start this one. I got this quote from the thread and wanted to comment about it regarding my situation. (I posted in "The Sex-Starved Wife" thread, so you can get an eyeful of my situation there).
Quote:
Quote: Yes, but the fact is you still DO-- even with a woman who treats you like cr@p... how do you explain that when my bf DOESN'T want to even with a woman who treats him like a king?
Yes, but your bf is probably happier to be in a relationship with you than HD is to be married to his wife. People generally want to be in relationships with people who are generally nice to them but they don't generally want to f*ck people because they are nice. Having sex with his W is win-win situation ego-wise for HD and a lose-lose situation for your bf ego-wise at the moment. Of course, being b*tchy isn't really a solution to your problem because though it might make your bf want to f*ck you in defense of his ego, it would also make him not want to be in a relationship with you.
Yes, but your bf is probably happier to be in a relationship with you than HD is to be married to his wife. People generally want to be in relationships with people who are generally nice to them but they don't generally want to f*ck people because they are nice. Having sex with his W is win-win situation ego-wise for HD and a lose-lose situation for your bf ego-wise at the moment. Of course, being b*tchy isn't really a solution to your problem because though it might make your bf want to f*ck you in defense of his ego, it would also make him not want to be in a relationship with you.
I think that is part of what has happened in my marriage. I put on quite a lot of weight between 2003 and 2006, and my husband says he is turned off a bit, but that he is attracted to other qualities of me and he like that I treat him nice, but we haven't had any real sex in about a year. He also has ED, but like the above post reads, that's not necessarily an excuse not to have some other type of sexual contact. I can't lose all the weight I gained overnight, nor do I expect him to be attracted to me with the extra pounds, but still, I am hoping something will change soon.
So, what are you doing about losing the weight. In my family, we tried WeightWatchers, and my wife, daughter and I lost a total (between us) of close to 90 pounds in 6 months...
Congrats on that. I have done Weight Watchers before, lost 83 pounds, and gained it back. I don't really believe in doing weight loss programs and diets and will never be involved in a program or go on a diet again, and I certainly am never going to get "weight-loss surgery," but that's a whole other story. I have been working out and doing an internal cleansing program, for which I have lost about 10-15 pounds, but gained back 5 mostly due to this week being highly stressful, not working out and not watching what and how much I was eating.
My husband grew up in a household with a strict, almost emotion-less father and went to Catholic school, so most of his feelings about sex and sexual desire were highly repressed. I know we need to go go counseling, but I am just so tired of this whole "waiting and worrying." Waiting until I lose weight is just an excuse, as far as I'm concerned, so we can have sex again. I still am worried he may be gay or bi and just repressing his desires and has been using me as a beard for the past 5 years.
I'm not sure if I buy the weight excuse. I am thinner and more fit than the day my husband met me and he doesn't want to have sex with me. He has other issues with porn and we have grown apart because of the fighting over it so those are some of the reasons for the lack of intimacy here.
I'm not suggesting that your husband views porn but there could be some other issue he's just not discussing with you and using your weight as an excuse.
That whole site is very informative. My late husband also suffered from ED due to diabetes, and my reading has told me that this problem is VERY difficult to overcome. Even if drugs do help him, the psychological damage of his body "letting him down" for a long period of time is very hard to overcome. It seems to undermine or disconnect some basic agreement he has with his body that it is supposed to work in a certain way. It's a fundamental loss of something he has always relied on.
I don't think there is an equivalent experience for women unless it might possibly be (and I'm not a mom, so I don't know), trying and trying to conceive and feeling that your body has let you down and won't cooperate, or possible wanting desperately to breast feed your baby and again, somehow your body won't cooperate. People may tell you "this just happens" sometime, but you look around at everyone else who seems to be functioning just fine, and you might be angry, resentful, withdrawn, etc. For men the Penile Zone is so important and so private, that it is hard to discuss with anyone.
My late H even had the penile implant surgery (which is a horrible surgery to have voluntarily), but the whole sex zone was just very perilous for us and, frankly, we never made use of the good physical results.
I really don't have many answers about this... wish I did.
"If I can't have normal sex with my wife, I'm a failure as a man and lover. I feel like a real loser and I can't stop thinking about the problem."
Men who equate sexual satisfaction solely with performance may think of themselves as failures. This problem causes a lapse of confidence and a crisis in self-esteem. Men commonly report that the problem occupies a lot of their mental energy and that they can't seem to stop thinking about their problem.
"If I show her affection, she'll want to have intercourse and then what?"
Men with erectile difficulties tend to emotionally and physically withdraw from their partners. They fear that any physical affection will precipitate a request or desire for intercourse from their mates and remind them of their inability to achieve an erection. Compounding the problem, women may also cease being affectionate.
"Something must be wrong with me. I feel that I have no control over my own body and now that sex is out, I'm lonely. She won't touch me anymore."
Many men, especially older ones, think that it is inappropriate to need nurture and affection. So, they frequently do without the warmth, comfort and emotional support often more available to women. It is frequently considered inappropriate for a man to admit that he needs a hug and someone to hold him. When a man cannot perform intercourse and satisfy his own(and his partner's)sexual needs, he feels emasculated, devastated and very much alone.
"If I can't meet her sexual needs, she will leave me."
Men, too, share fears of abandonment. Younger men, particularly, feel vulnerable and concerned that their partner will seek a new, more fulfilling, less problematic relationship. To some extent their fears are realistic. A younger woman may want to have an active sexual life and over a long period of time be less patient and supportive.
"Before I developed my erectile problem, I found my partner sexually stimulating. Not any more. The thrill is gone. I wonder if I've fallen out of love? She just doesn't appeal to me anymore."
When a man or woman loses a loving sexual relationship due to impotence, either or both individuals may choose to "desexualize" their mate. Paul describes his feelings about Ellen. "I used to be very frustrated about being impotent. I'd feel excited, but my body wouldn't respond. I'd think about how wonderful our relationship was for so many years and get so damned depressed. Now I try to block everything out and think of Ellen as my sister."
Feeling enormously guilty, Paul could not confide in anyone about his lack of sexual desire and his fear that he had "fallen out of love."
Intellectually, he just turned himself off. Sometimes women do the same thing. After experiencing the pain associated with rejection and partner apathy, women divert their attention to other matters in order to compensate for the loss of their sexual partner. Lil note: Hmmmmm.....
It may take counseling intervention before couples can rekindle romance and "reprogram" themselves and once again think of each other as desirable, stimulating sexual companions.
More from Phoenix. These things (e.g. withdrawal, reluctance to bring up negative stuff, etc.) can play out in other sitch's besides ED.
Quote: Men and women are socially conditioned to behave in different ways. The process of gender role socialization prescribes appropriate male and female behavior regarding sexuality. (Lil note: "The Rules," i.e., how it's supposed to be.) Individuals absorb these values and appropriately comply with acceptable standards of behavior. Most people naturally go along with their assigned roles. Sometimes, these roles are contrary and detrimental to getting interpersonal needs met. What you really feel and need sexually is frequently in conflict with how you are supposed to think and behave. Consequently, impotence tends to divide and distance couples, creating conflict and pain.
Men and women also share similar behaviors when dealing with impotence. These behaviors, although sometimes dysfunctional, enable couples to cope with the stresses they experience. These behaviors include :
IGNORING, DENYING OR MAKING EXCUSES FOR THE PROBLEM Impotence generally does not respond well to neglect. Some erectile disorders do improve with the passage of time, but chronic impotence usually has an organic basis and requires medical attention. Couples sometimes intentionally, or unintentionally, choose to ignore or deny the problem, prolonging recovery and decreasing chances for a positive treatment experience.
WITHHOLDING AFFECTION AND AVOIDING SEXUAL SITUATIONS Erectile dysfunction can cause a warm and loving partner to withdraw affection and avoid any situation that might stimulate romance or a sexual encounter. The man doesn't want to start something he can't finish. The woman doesn't want to remind her mate of past failures or create additional tension.
GIVING AND RECEIVING "DOUBLE MESSAGES" Women sometimes pressure reluctant partners to seek treatment. When an ambivalent woman feels she cannot be honest about her feelings and misgivings, double messages are sometimes communicated to the partner. Situations are occasionally created where a seemingly cooperative female partner will inadvertently speak or behave in a way that sabotages the success of treatment or a sexual encounter. Timing and clear communication are one critical variable in the successful treatment of impotence.
Individuals who are unable to authentically communicate negative feelings to their partner frequently turn frustration inward and neglect their own appearance, physical or mental health. This suppression of feelings can create somatic problems including : headaches, backaches, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks and a range of other health problems. Some people become physically unattractive in an effort to alienate their partner and discourage sexual advances.
ABUSING SUBSTANCES Alcohol, drug abuse and other addictive/compulsive behaviors have negative sexual side-effects. Some individuals deal with sexual anxiety by becoming workaholics or exercising excessively.
I still am worried he may be gay or bi and just repressing his desires and has been using me as a beard for the past 5 years.
- Whoa VLM. Where did this come from? Hm. Can't tell for sure if you were sincere or joking. If sincere, get to the bottom of this.
Are you starting to look back over the 5 years and coloring him with this? "I am still worried..."? If it's in your head and now you've verbalized it your uncon/subcon. must be picking up on something , whether true or false or you never would have said it. Effeminate mannerisms? Looking too long at other Ms?
Plus, if this is in the back of your mind his own uncon/subcon is going to pick up on your body language/vibe and you both won't even know it consciously. Lingering "wonder if he's gay" thoughts does not give off the communication coding to an M that she's hot for him and vice versa.
If it's all a big joke then nevermind. Ugh.
But I would say unless you have more proof, like another man's phone number from a gay bar matchbook cover or something then probably best to not give breath to these kinds of doubts.
Has he tried supplements for his ED? L Argenine works...taken in the a.m. and then again just before sex.
And, no, it's not your weight. It's his head/libido that has the issue.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Thanks for replying. I didn't think it was the weight either because I was a big woman when he met me, so a few more pounds here and there shouldn't be that much of a big diff.
@Stigmata: I think most of my lingering thoughts about him being gay or bi stem mostly from mannerisms (he can be a little dramatic at times) and sexual frustration, "If he won't have sex with me, maybe he's gay/interested in other men." I don't really know, and I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to come out and ask. I know it would truly hurt his feelings, and our sex life would probably never recover.
He did not have an issue with ED before, so I guess the diabetes is creeping up on him or maybe since I received my Essure implants, and after my hysterosalpingogram, I have been cleared to have sex without protection. I think after so many years of using condoms, he might still afraid that there is a chance I could get pregnant. I have discussed it with him and his doctor, and she said the ED is more than likely due to the diabetes, too, but I truly also believe it's psychological. He also went to a urologist who gave him samples of Viagra, but he doesn't feel comfortable taking it, and neither did I at first, but I thought, well, he could at least take half a pill and see how it goes, but I don't know if he'll do that.
He and I were talking a few days ago, and I asked him if he was happy with me and this marriage mostly because I didn't want to end up being one of the women unknowingly married to a gay guy who comes out 15 years later or end up in divorce before I know it. He said he was happy with the marriage, but that we needed to work on the sex/intimacy issue. But, no plans of course, were made to hop on the sex bandwagon right away. He sometimes tends to want to wait until we're on vacation to have sex, but that's not the way I work. We've discussed the sex thing over and over and over again, and still no solution. The last time we had successful sex was a year ago.
I asked him if he wanted to get romantic last Friday or Saturday night, and he said, "We can do that," but he wasn't too enthusiastic about it, and of course, nothing happened. Like I wrote before, we cuddle, kiss and show lots of affection, but no sex.
