I don't know. And if I'm acting a little hard on you I apologize. It just frustrates me to no end when I see people putting up with so much bs. So, ok, that R is over. But you are still dealing with ExH. Lots of exceptions in that R too. Are you acting in a healthy and pro-active manner right now?
And when is something a "boundary" and when is it just accepting the fact that no-one and certainly no relationship is going to be perfect? Everyone has flaws -- and usually at least one huge flaw. Every relationship has problems that aren't going to go away, even though the people involved can work on them and try to come to some compromise/mutual understanding.
When is enough, well, enough? What is unacceptable and what is less than ideal, but manageble or "good enough?"
When does the good "outweigh" the bad? Is the best really the enemy of the good (or even of the acceptable?) And how can I get to a place where I can see my own boundaries a little more clearly?
I guess I'm not really expecting answers. I'm just pondering. . .
I think it helps to look at patterns of behavior. Certainly everybody and every R has flaws. But when is it too much? That certainly is an individual choice. I can use my own M as the best example. H went off the deep end into depression/mlc about a year a half ago. Anyone who knows him and heard about what happened just couldn't believe it. This was sooo the opposite of the way he usually is. So when deciding whether or not to give the M a second chance, I needed to look at the whole picture. He is good guy at his core who made some horrible choices. But he is making up for them now. The pattern of bad behavior is not continuing. If it was, I'd say enough. Fool me once.... So that's my take on it. The SSM stuff has always been there and I do not consider that a dealbreaker, because things are improving in that area as well. H has never said a hateful word to me or about me to anyone. Even through the whole separation, he told his friends that I was great and this was his problem. (his choice to leave etc). Many of his best friends confirmed it. That takes some character. And even more character to ask for forgiveness and realy mean it. So I would suggest you look for patterns in your ex. Does he show you the respect you deserve. Does he have character? Does he show remorse and a change in behavior when he makes a mistake? If not, then you need to evaluate what kind of R you are settling for. Hope some of that helps.
first, you arent that unusual as far as women go Oing at the drop of a hat, when wearing your favorite jeans, from a look, or 'accidental touch' of a guy. Women are very very sexual. You ladies have a organ solely devoted to pleasure. If it werent for our huge doese of T driving us --men would be the LD ones. Enough biology.
As various people around here have been trying to explain, with women ---in the majority of the cases, sex is not about the O, its not about being horny, its not about their hormones. LD is a state that exists, because of how they 'feel' in the relationship with their man.
I understand why you are attracted to H, and why you lost it for F.
Its really not logical at all, though you managed to logical it to yourself, and very counter-intuitive.
Thanks for your confessional post, it has a lot of important info in there for us men.
Now on to the important stuff.
Attraction is not a choice. Love is.
Quote: You made the comment that you have basically never had a good R. Always pick the wrong guys. Or they pick you. Maybe you need to focus on that and ask yourself why.
Lets be real here. You may attract certain men, I firmly believe that you vibe people of your own pysch make up, which is why we repeat the same R's over and over, with differnt subtle twists, but YOU pick the guy. Since your FOO has dictated to you what a man should be like because of your R with you F, what are you going to do about making a decision?
What decision is that?
Well currently you have the decision of weather to meet up with freezer guy. Seems your quite clear communication to him, wasnt so clear to him last time, as it was too you. His desire if so very tempting to get just a little validation from though. Maybe just a drink. it wont go any farther. Uh-huh.
As you have said IYO you are single. So do what you like.
But I wonder how you will feel afterwards considering he is in your words....
Quote: I guess I feel that no worthwhile man would date me if I told the truth and said, "Oh, by the way, I'm living with my ex-husband."
hmm just finished reading your other thread where I found that quote. and now Im distracte to another issue.
Has H ever put a hand on you? You set a very clear boundary with prison, IMO, your new behavior changes are shaking up the dynamic at home and you guys are going to have some serious fireworks getting thru it. You know intellectually thay all this is quite "crazy" but as you have allready said, its going to be so, with whoever you choose.
Thats pretty big progress on the money issue, and you have had some tiny little progress on the physical. Who knows if it will be enough. But you have lots to work on --on you.
Join the club. Me too. oh wait your already here. as Stig said awhile back, we are all a bunch of loonies without The Rules.
I totally understand your perspective. I too, can have multiple o's with ease. I can shake with desire at an accidental touch and have been able to o sitting at my desk at work with just some well aimed thoughts and some kegels. Like you, I was LD in a prior R. When we had sex, I did o and o'd easily. I just didn't particularly want to touch H or have him touch me. I think my LD was more a case of denying any desires I felt due to the sitch. I got very good at stuffing them down. After the initial shock of the D wore off I remember getting so crazy horny I just couldn't believe it. I had forgotten that I had it in me. I didn't have anyone in my life but boy my body knew what it wanted.
Your post also brings up an old, almost-forgotten memory. When I was a sophomore in high school, taking Algebra II, I used to have a kind of "contest" with myself, to see how many times I could O in class, just by thinking about it.
And, no, I was absolutely not "hot for teacher," who was a middle-aged, chubby former nun, who wore a wedding ring to remind herself she was still married to Christ.
Maybe, if I'd paid a little more attention to the binomial theorem, I would have gotten a better grade. Oh well. Guess you can't have everything.
Karen and Landica. I shall now refer to both of you as:
"Dream Women."
You do realize you are putting the whole When Harry Met Sally Meg Ryan-Billy Crystal diner convo on its ear, don't you?
As I said before...I'm more into the Fs reactions than my own. Urg. I wish I could friggin bottle what you ladies have. Sigh.
-Stigmata-
PS. Okay, since both of you are so candid. Confession from Stigmata too. I used to have a long bus ride to high school in the mornings. And nearly every freaking morning the danged vibration from the bus would buzz up my seat and....well...you know what one does at campgrounds...pitch tents.
Awful. Tiny rural school so all ages. Just great with little pre-teenie girls running around on the bus. Horrified I would appear as a total pervert. Had to just sit there in a panic as the bus approached the school...desperately thinking of something horrible, like grandma in a bikini or something. Then last one off the bus of course...holding my books in front of me if I had to as I walked off the bus. LOL.
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Quote: As I said before...I'm more into the Fs reactions than my own.
Gosh, it would be, how can I put it, *nice* to meet a guy like that.
Being too easy to please ( and note I did NOT say "too easy") means that I seemed to end up with way more than my share of guys whose main concern was themselves.
Oh and one more thing. The initial point I was trying to make, before getting lost in a haze of *interesting* anecdotes is this: sometimes the problem really is the sex.
I would say stuff like "I'm just not that interested in sex" or "It's easier for me to have sex in an uncommitted relationship, so my interest wears off when we became more committed" or "I'm just too stressed/busy/tired right now." Now here's the catch: In fact, none of these excuses were really true.
Now, as I've conveyed above, F and I had plenty of issues. But one issue that (possibly) could have been fixed was my LD-ness. If he had been willing to examine what he was doing and listen to my spoken and unspoken wishes.
Yeah, maybe it wouldn't have been *exactly* the way he wanted it, but he would have gotten a much more enthusiastic partner and a lot more sex.
Now, of course, some people are just naturally LD (or at least they think they are). But some people, like me, are situationally LD.
And the way to fix it -- in my case, anyway -- would have been for F to stop complaining that I wasn't enthusiastic or available enough and for him to step up to the plate and realize that what worked for him might not be working for me.
The statement by his ex-wife that he made her feel like a prostitute should have been a huge wake up call to him that he was being selfish and only considering what he liked (whether she O'd or not)
For me, complaining, begging, whining are a HUGE turn off. Not considering my needs is also a big problem.
Not sure where I'm going with this. But I just thought it was something you guys out there with LD/ND wives might want to consider.
RE: landica For me, complaining, begging, whining are a HUGE turn off. Not considering my needs is also a big problem......But I just thought it was something you guys out there with LD/ND wives might want to consider.
Point taken and being worked on for over 2 years. Yours, corri's and other female's POV also taken. Some progress but not much in Lou land.
of course, some people are just naturally LD (or at least they think they are). But some people, like me, are situationally LD. Naturally LD most or all the time but willing to have sex sometimes because the W/H does not want the H/W to stray or situational LD and not finding the right mix to fix it is what keeps some people here looking for answers.
as Stig said awhile back, we are all a bunch of loonies without The Rules.
