As a man who has been in your husband's position and had the same kind of reaction (anger, resentment), I would urge you to keep something in mind. When a wife loses her libido, a husband's first reaction is often to assume that the wife is purposely withholding sex. When she says, "I just don't feel like it," his reaction often is to view that as a choice on her part rather than a fact of life. If she then says, even as a joke, "I might be more in the mood if you cleaned the toilet sometimes," it only confirms his suspicion that her claim of low libido is really an attempt to manipulate him or make him "earn" sex.
I think husbands react this way in part because they simply don't believe that person can simply lose his/her sex drive (never having experienced that feeling themselves), and in part because the idea of living in a sexless marriage is just too hard to bear.
I wholeheartedly agree that no one should have sex that he/she does not want to have. (Even if you forced yourself, I doubt your husband would enjoy it that much.) But at the same time, keep in mind how painful, hurtful, and rejecting it can be to feel that you sexually desire someone who does not desire you -- someone who finds your very touch intrusive and annoying. In short, even though you are perfectly entitled to see yourself as the victim, you might nevertheless want to show your husband some compassion and understanding. It might not increase your libido or lower his, but it could go a long way towards improving your relaitonship!
Quote: When a wife loses her libido, a husband's first reaction is often to assume that the wife is purposely withholding sex.
I will admit, that after being abused verbally and sometimes physically for having such a low SD that I did actually stop having sex with him intentionally. It has taken us a long time to get past these issues.
Quote: you might nevertheless want to show your husband some compassion and understanding
If I didn't have any compassion for my H in this situation, I wouldn't be here. I must say that I'm finding it harder to be compassionate when I get accused of having an affair one weekend and getting kicked out of the house over one worded answers the next... he says he needs help, but I won't hold my breath.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
It sounds as if your H feels controlled by you and is responding by trying to control you back. It seems obvious to me, as I'm sure it does to you, that what he really needs to learn is self control. But it always seems to us easier (and more just) to control the other rather than ourself.
How would you react if your H got hold of himself and said something like, "I realize your loss of libido is not your fault, but feeling desire and passion from my wife seems essential to me, and as a matter of integrity and self-respect I can't remain married to someone who doesn't feel that way about me." I ask because if he could only grow up emotionally and start maturely acting on his feelings rather than acting out, that might well be what he would have to say.
Quote: "I realize your loss of libido is not your fault, but feeling desire and passion from my wife seems essential to me, and as a matter of integrity and self-respect I can't remain married to someone who doesn't feel that way about me."
In moments of clarity he has said things like this. The problem is where does he go from there? He doesn't want to live like this, but he doesn't want to leave either.
He told me to leave on Friday night and I did. We didn't have an argument as such, he just went off the handle because I didn't want to eat the vegetables he was making and I was answering him with yes, no answers. WTF? He was yelling and calling me disgusting names (in front of our kids), so I went upstairs, he followed, still screaming at me and I packed my bag. I ended up saying a few choice words back eventually and left. On the way out the door, he turns it around and says it's MY choice to leave. I can stay and be with my family or I can go.
Within 2 minutes I got a call from my mother. H had rung her because he felt guilty and wanted her to make sure I didn't sleep in the car. How nice (insert sarcasm here).
I am a big believer in not saying things you don't really mean, but H just can't help himself. I just wish he would realise how much it is hurting HIM when he does it. It's our anniversary next week. I couldn't give a sh*t. I suppose I'll get into trouble for that now.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
His behavior is obviously not good. But is it caused by the SSM? You have to realize that EVERYTHING in a man's life eventually is connected to sex. Lack of sex makes men behave badly, lots of good sex makes men behave well(generally). By cutting a man off from sex, you literally leave him no outlet for his emotions, and thus he must bundle his emotions inside until he explodes. Men have the need to PLEASE their women, and by pleasing their women, seeking their admiration. You would then respond by WANTING him, but since you don't WANT him, he see's this as HE FAILED. So since you do not respond the way your supposed to, then he resents you AND finds himself to be failing. The only result from this has to be anger, and probably bottled up anger, since he has no sexual outlet to express his emotions. Remember, women want sex when everything is going right in their lives. Men on the other hand use sex to GROUND themsleves, to show them that everything IS alright. So the less sex they have, the farther out of wack their world becomes. This leaves them at great risk for affairs, since they are looking for someone to GROUND them again, to make their world right.
I think you would find that if you had a satisfying sex life then you would no longer believe that "everything in a man's life is connected to sex."
Sparkless,
I understand that for whatever reasons you don't have a desire for sex but....do you have a desire to please your H? Make him happy? Sometimes that is the "desire" that precedes sexual interaction. However, given how you have described your H I can understand not having the desire to please him nor make him happy. If so, where do you go from here?
If I was having great sex, then yes, sex would become far less important. However, in the background, virtually everything is eventually connected to my sexuality. I did not quite understand any of this until I started reading the books and thinking, WOW, this is ME! I fit the profile they present almost exactly. This is not just MY belief, there are a lot of books that describe mens sexuality this way, and these are not crack pots. Testosterone determines almost everything about a man, the good AND the bad. And since testosterone is the ONLY sex drug, and men are dripping with it, it seems that his sexuality is going to have a HUGE effect on who he is.
You are correct in your statement, I think you would find that if you had a satisfying sex life then you would no longer believe that "everything in a man's life is connected to sex." As I have seen it written and said, when the sex is good in a marriage it is not that big of a deal and not the focus of the relationship, yet when there is a problem with SL then it does becomes a big deal. (or something to this affect. )
When I read all this messages about men wanting sex, I get so sad. My H never really wanted me, I felt he never really did. I'm the one who always wanted to have sex , he will look for me every 2 or 3 months. # years into the marriage he had an affair for 2 months. I don't know how to post a thread, today is a beautiful day but I feel so sad.
I can stay and be with my family or I can go.
)