I am soo frustrated. Hubby is soo frustrated. If I could cut my bits off and give them to him in a box I would. Sorry. I am having so much trouble with initiating sex. I just want to sleep when we go to bed and can't get my interest piqued in anything sexual.
The choices I feel I have are, have sex to keep him happy even though I really don't want to, or don't have sex, make him happy and keep the peace. I feel like I'm chasing my tail.
H & I were on the couch last night watching tv and he started rubbing my breast. It annoyed the crap out of me. It always does. (Ever since breastfeeding - which stopped 20 months ago - I can't stand him touching them. In fact it is a huge turnoff. So there we were, both with the sh*ts. Him angry at me for 'acting like a rape victim' and me angry at him for doing something he knows I don't like and also angry at myself because I SHOULD like it.
So I'm gathering he is still angry at me now - Saturday afternoon - because we didn't ML this morning either. Not that we would have because the kids were up and one was crying in the room opposite.
I'm thinking that maybe my tail got docked somewhere along the way...
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
First, I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time. Your pain comes through loud and clear in your post. It really sucks going through this kind of thing. But I think, before anything's gonna get a lot better, the thing you'll need to accomplish is to find a way to get rid of some of that frustration, both of you. You need to get to where the two of you can talk about this calmly, without namecalling or blaming. Sounds impossible, huh? Difficult, yes, but it can be done. However, what you need to do first is to convince him that the two of you need to turn down the heat and have a heart-to-heart with real strict rules about blaming, name-calling, etc. Because otherwise there's no solving this.
Quote: The choices I feel I have are, have sex to keep him happy even though I really don't want to, or don't have sex, make him happy and keep the peace.
I have to say, I really don't understand what you're trying to say there. What do you mean by "make him happy and keep the peace", if it's not sex?
At any rate, I understand completely what you're saying about the way he tried to initiate. A few years ago, I would not have understood, but I do now. That should tell you there's hope for him. But also, get rid of words like "should". That road leads only to frustration. "Should" is for children, but you're adults. Adults deal with what IS. The fact IS, you DON'T like it. Maybe you will someday again (probably), but right now, for reasons beyond your control, you don't. If he can understand that point, and really buy into it, a lot of this issue will dissipate, I think. However, be aware it's not JUST that simple, there's a LOT more to it, but I'm sure you know that already. Key is, calm down, talk it over, talk it over again, calm down, deep breaths, try again. I'm sure he does love you deeply, even if he seems like a stupid git just now.
Over here, W just woke me up on the couch to say it's time to go to bed. I'd fallen asleep about a half-hour earlier, just before the news. It hasn't been a great evening, but not a bad one, just indifferent. Things are like that sometimes. Maybe tomorrow will be better. We'll see...
Sorry Tim, I must have been editing and got distracted. What I meant was have sex to keep him happy and keep the peace, or not have sex and at least I won't be letting myself down.
We seem to be past the point of the name calling and screaming. That has never got us anywhere. Instead silence takes over now. Just as destructive. Thanks for posting!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Well what a crappy weekend it's turned out to be (besides the bad weather). H was out most of the day yesterday and went to bed early last night. This morning he got up and was banging and crashing around and biting the kids' heads off (I must admit, I wouldn't be happy about finding maggots all over the floor - flies are sooo bad here this year). I decided to stay in bed til the 'storm' had passed and got up a bit later. When I did, he just left the house. Didn't say a word. Had left me a note for me to ring my mum, but that was it.
What the hell is his problem? He couldn't possibly think that this behaviour will make me more amourous towards him? Just venting!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
If all you want to do when you go to bed is sleep, then why do you sleep in the same bed with your husband? He reaches to touch your breast and you get angry with him? Why are your genitals off limits to him? I doubt that he paws at you constantly, so he is doing what any younger man would do, he is petting with you, and you DON"T like this? Why?
Frankly, I'd Kill to have someone interested in my body. It has been years since my wife actually touched me in such a fashion.
A bed is made for sleeping is it not? I don't see why two people can't sleep in the same bed together if no one's sleep is being disturbed.
I guess I feel that my body is mine and it is my call where and when I want to be touched in a sexual way.
I understand that my H feels unloved and undesired but the truth is I don't desire him in a sexual way. This does not mean I do not love him. I feel that the only reason I need to have sex now is to keep my husband happy and that in itself is not a good enough reason put my own self worth on the line. I have done it in the past and it caused more problems than it fixed. I want to be able to be a willing participant and I am working on it. Things take time to fall to pieces and they take time to put back together. Trouble is they can't be forced into place either.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Yes, beds are for sleeping. They are also for making love. It should be a healthy mixture of both. But if it is only for sleep, then really the two people involved could sleep separately anywhere and get the same effect.
Quote: I guess I feel that my body is mine and it is my call where and when I want to be touched in a sexual way.
Did you make this clear to your husband BEFORE you got married? If not, your changing the rules of the game in the middle of the game.
Quote: I understand that my H feels unloved and undesired but the truth is I don't desire him in a sexual way. This does not mean I do not love him.
Yes, you believe that you love him. The problem is that men do not distinguish between love and desire (it's in the books). I know that it would be impossible for me to love a women and NOT desire her. So when a man sees that his wife does not desire him, then he will see this as the lack of love.
On the one hand you say you love your husband, but at the same time, you are unable to show him love in his love language, why? Remember, when you give love, you must give it the way your spouse wants to receive it. The way that YOU want to give it is totally irrelevant. The same goes for him as well.
Quote: Did you make this clear to your husband BEFORE you got married? If not, your changing the rules of the game in the middle of the game.
Sorry, but I didn't realise that marriage was a game. Doesn't feel like it.
Ok, what is the point of us teaching our kids that they have control of their bodies if when they get married they are supposed to 'give it up' to their spouses? Perhaps we should go back to the dark ages and tell the girls that once they get married they must do their husbands bidding, no matter how it makes them feel.
Quote: On the one hand you say you love your husband, but at the same time, you are unable to show him love in his love language, why? Remember, when you give love, you must give it the way your spouse wants to receive it. The way that YOU want to give it is totally irrelevant. The same goes for him as well.
Maybe you've hit a nail on the head here CeMar. My H may tell me he loves me all the time but why doesn't he show it by cleaning the toilet? (I don't know how many times I have asked). Now that might float my boat
Herein is the conundrum. If two people (or one even) in a marriage are showing their partner love in a way that makes them uncomfortable, how can this be a good thing? What is being achieved? Shouldn't they work on ways that are beneficial for both parties?
Damn I wish I was a nympho...
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Don't waste your breath on CeMar, Sparkless - he hasn't learned a thing in 3 years, from what I've seen. He never shares anything about himself, and just does his troll-like thing here, posting BS and hoping someone will get up in arms about him. Ignore him. Most sites like this have one or two like him.
I'm also certain you don't really wish to be a nympho, who, by definition, can never find satisfaction...
Don't worry Tim, CeMar sounds very much like my husband, his feelings are first and foremost of importance...maybe he should clean the toilets for his wife! lol
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
