It does sound a lot like stress talking here. I feel that a large burden IS put on the HD spouse: bring the sexual heat, make the HH pleasant to live in, help take stressors off the LD mate, speak their LL, provide arousal so they feel desire etc.... The list is really endless. I'm not sure I have anything kind or uplifting to say about this subject. I DO feel that your current pique about this will subside when your stress does.
Unfair burden that he's not aroused until you are aroused. Okay, I'm tracking ya. Is this desire-after-arousal thing a legitimate reason for me always going "first"? Uh, yeah, if you want to have sex, that is.
This is very close to the normal dynamic of my marriage, and many other men on this board...from the man's point of view. It never stops feeling kind of weird when I hear it out of your mouth, though. Or any woman's mouth, for that matter.
And him not thinking about sex during the day? That is freaky. Normal when I hear it out of my W's mouth, but not out of a man's mouth. At least out of the mouth of an otherwise healthy, "normal", relatively young man.
Moving is very stressful. On the one hand, you want to discount all the interactions during this time because, man....you're under stress. On the other hand, however, you want to dissect all the interactions during this time because, man ...you're under stress.
Just keep packing the boxes and stop overthinking.
Hairdog, who blames his double hernia on the last time he moved.
Yes my good mood will come back and, along with that, the suckitupness that is required for: a woman being okay with bringing the heat for both.
I forgot to add that when I was being snippy he said, with a loud sigh, "I know I fail you as a lover. I know you want rose petals thrown all over the bed and more romance and I don't deliver it."
Now, we've had this convo (I don't know why he's fixated on this particular scenario) maybe a dozen times--it keeps coming back. EACH and EVERY time I say, Oh I don't need rose petals..what I'd really find sexy is more aggression or some definitive moves that let me know that you're into me..you're into the sex. As it is, I feel like you could take it or leave it and, let's face it, you fall asleep nearly every time at some point during foreplay.
So last night he brings up the dang rose petals again, only this time I looked straight at him and practically shouted "I don't want any friggin rose petals!!!!" LOL
My frustration at having the same conversations--complete with the same responses by me--is extremely high. I did tell him, yet again, that I don't need romance (though I do like it, it's just not first on my list) but I would like a little more aggression.
I can't for the life of me figure out why a person would keep saying the same things, even though I've told him he's wrong each time he says it.
I know I've done this with him in the past (You don't want me ) and how frustrated he was with me. He finally hollered at me and I stopped saying it. Eventually I even got differentiated enough to be able to see that he does want me.
Yeah dawg, it seems weird to me to be saying it too. I have no idea if it seems weird to him too, or if he's ok with it. He has high T, so I'm not sure what the freak is up with him not having sexual thoughts but this is not the first time he's said that. He does have very strong ADD tendencies but I have no idea how that factors into the mix, if at all. He literally cannot do two things at once. He is easily overwhelmed by new things. Etc. So the thought that he doesn't think about it doesn't necessarily surprise me because I've seen how much concentration it takes him just to complete whatever he's doing.
Been there with H many times. H is sure I want us to have a "perfect" life, a "perfect" R. I'm sure the rose petals thing is something my H thinks too. It isn't an actual behavior that your H is expressing. It is a metaphor for what you want. "Wanting the rose petals on the bed" just means that he knows you want some indefinable thing that he isn't delivering. It is simply the only way he can think of to say it. However, I do like your response of "I don't want any friggin rose petals." I woulda said the same thing!
Quote: Unfair burden that he's not aroused until you are aroused. Okay, I'm tracking ya. Is this desire-after-arousal thing a legitimate reason for me always going "first"? Uh, yeah, if you want to have sex, that is.
This is very close to the normal dynamic of my marriage, and many other men on this board...from the man's point of view. It never stops feeling kind of weird when I hear it out of your mouth, though. Or any woman's mouth, for that matter.
I'm not clear on what you're referring to as the "normal dynamic" of your marriage? Surely not that your W is expected to bring the heat? Of do you mean that YOU'RE always expected to bring the heat and it seems weird when a woman (HP) says it? Sorry, I think there was an unclear antecedent in there someplace.
I think we can generalize that in most of the R's on this board, the HD person is expected to bring the heat, whether the HD person is male or the female. And the LD partner claims "desire-after-arousal" whether the LD person is male or the female.
Hp, didn't you and your H go around about that "never thinks about sex during the day" thing, and he finally admitted that he DOES think sex a lot, but pushes the thoughts aside? Or maybe I'm getting him mixed up with someone else.
I'm off to Wal-Mart for water softener crystals and cat food. THAT should clear my head, I generally have insights at Wal-Mart.
Have you tried responding to his "rose petals" scenario with a specific more aggressive type scenario. For instance, instead of saying "I don't want rose petals, I want more heat and aggression." say "I would like for you to do something like walk up behind me unexpectedly while I'm emptying the dryer and pin me up against the machine while you kiss my neck and manhandle my breasts and then pick me up and put me over the edge of the machine while hoisting my skirt and pulling down my panties with one swift motion and then....."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Lil, Yeah he did admit that but he retracted it last night.
Jenny, I've laid out scenarios before and he seems to think that it is for the sole purpose of getting him aroused during foreplay. That is, he likes it..he wants to keep talking about it and he loves the thought of it. But if I asked him to seriously DO something like that, he'd balk. I know this because I've done it and he refused. Flat out. We had a talk one time about how he wanted me to wear a skirt with no panties. I said fine and emailed him one day and said, Today's the day! He got home, would barely look at me, and didn't so much as touch me the rest of the night. There are, of course, other examples. Now, to be fair, this was a while ago and he might react differently these days, I'm not sure.
But my point is that he likes to talk and 'plan' what he should do but the follow through is not there. Mostly because he, as he says, doesn't think about it throughout the day so I'd have to remind him and by that time, I wouldn't even want it anymore. Women.
H has that same gap between thought and action. He can think of many sexy scenrios I'm sure. He uses some kind of fantasy to MB with and I'm certain that it isn't just some uncomfortable, him/me, vanilla sex scenario either. Does he act on those fantasies/scenarios - No! I I told H that I wasn't wearing any panties I would probably get the cold shoulder too - probably H would stay up late watching Star Trek until I eventually had to turn in, then he would come in and snuggle up saying "I love you" in my ear while rubbing my thigh as he drifts to sleep. Not really very funny at all is it?
I think the thing that bothered me last night is that HE is the one who initiated. He was hard and initiated but then wants me to arouse him enough to get past his awkwardness and be able to 'show' his desire. Phooey.
Normally I am physically horny enough to do just this and it turns out fine. Last night I was physically horny enough but not horny enough to make it past his little boy comments, combined with his comPLETEly lackluster initiation.
Understand that I am just venting, folks, but damn I'd love to be with a MAN today.
) and how frustrated he was with me. He finally hollered at me and I stopped saying it. Eventually I even got differentiated enough to be able to see that he does want me. 
