HP... I feel you need to explain to your H that you are feeling down and that you could use some physical comfort. Don't wait for him to " get it." He won't. In fact, he may interpret your lack of enthusiasm in a personal/rejecting way. I know you want him to step forward to take care of you, and that you have gone through this dynamic a million times before...but in the meantime you are going without the touch that you need. You don't have to do a major shaking up...just simply ask him when a good time to ML would be. That's not being overly directing...it's being healthily proactive.
I take depression very seriously and don't want to see you sink further waiting for H to be the knight in shining armor.
Quote: I feel you need to explain to your H that you are feeling down and that you could use some physical comfort.
The thing that bothers me about this approach is that it seems to make hp's need for physical contact something vaguely bad that needs fixing, correcting, rescuing, kwim? Presenting the need/desire for sex/physical contact as "being down," "depressed"-- although it probably would appeal to the rescuer big strong man in her H, it feels icky to me. (I've gone down this road myself.)
I agree that he may interpret hp's lack of enthusiasm in a rejecting way and might respond by "not wanting to bother her" and make it worse. But to take the position "I'm depressed and need you to make me feel better" isn't a good route-- it seems to make sexual desire into some kind of pathology that needs medicine to make it go away.
Edited to add- I know the HP household is dealing with sadness and grief, I just hate to see sex per se get mixed up in that.
Quote: I agree that he may interpret hp's lack of enthusiasm in a rejecting way and might respond by "not wanting to bother her" and make it worse.
That's his MO in a nutshell.
Quote: But to take the position "I'm depressed and need you to make me feel better" isn't a good route
I agree and have been careful not to do this. The problem, as I see it, is that H wants an unconditionally cheerful wife. So his unspoken attitude has been "You're depressed and you need to do something about that". It's been all I can do to fight against the tendency to want to stuff my own grief so that I can be Myself and regain the marital equilibrium. He keeps asking "what's wrong?" and wanting me to be my normal joke-crackin good time of a wife. I have not been crying or moping..I'm muted. I'm serious and contemplative. It is freaking him out and he is not finding me sexually appealing at all.
I am finding myself wanting to resume our sex life, now that the grief is subsiding from those first clutches. But I am feeling pressured to go back to being happy-go-lucky first. There is a feeling in me that I can't be myself, whatever 'myself' is on any given day, because I have to maintain the Cheerful Persona or he will continue to ignore me.
That is what we talked about last night, amongst other things. He relentlessly cracked jokes during our convo, as if to test me and see if I was able to be Me yet and, therefore, attractive to him again. It worked; I was laughing at him, but I couldn't help but feel that his desire is sooooo conditional and fragile.
At any rate, we managed to get back on the road of marital normalcy and I hope we can maintain it.
Hiya, Hornypot! Sorry to hear your sitch isn't any better.
All of this talk about "lions" and "lionesses" and "antelopes" has me wondering if there's any room in the Sexual Universe for a lovable labrador retriever like me??
I do think you have "changed the rules" on your husband. But while there is an element (even a very STRONG element) of "unfair" to that, I also know from reading your posts over the past two years that it is very genuinely who you are at this point. Needing him to be all male, and to want to want you, and the challenges and frustrations unique to the HD female, is the undercurrent to most of your posts.
One thought: have you TOLD him that? That you fully realize that you "changed the rules" on him, and that it must seem disorienting and even sometimes unfair to him, but it is nevertheless who you are, and what you need?
I know you've told him LOADS about what you need, but I'm just wondering if you ever acknowledged to him that you realize that you changed the rules on things somewhere along the line.
My wife and I constantly have these arguments where she'll suddenly change her mind about something -- even something pretty big -- and when I say anything like "but I thought you felt thus-and-such," or "but I thought we agreed that so-and-so", she gets irate and says "See? I can NEVER change my mind with you!"
Well, after having the 22nd version of that same fight one day, I came to her later and said "You know what? I know you are allowed to change your mind. All I ask is that you don't insult my intelligence by starting a conversation about something pretending that your new position is what it's always been. Just say 'You know Choc., I've been thinking about this, and the more I think about it, the more I now feel so-and-so,' and I'm fine with that. That's all."
And so now that's what she does, and when she doesn't, I remind her, and I try and respect her right to change her mind. It's helped.
Chocolate, who's fighting the urge to shout "Eat me!" and "Taste me!" to all of the HD ladies here today.
Quote: "You know what? I know you are allowed to change your mind. All I ask is that you don't insult my intelligence by starting a conversation about something pretending that your new position is what it's always been. Just say 'You know Choc., I've been thinking about this, and the more I think about it, the more I now feel so-and-so,' and I'm fine with that. That's all."
This sounds very much like the protagonist's job at the Ministry of Information in the book, "1984." When the country would change alliances in the ongoing wars, it was his job to rewrite all historical references so they would show that the current enemy had always been the enemy.
Sorry, I just felt compelled to share that bit of High School English with y'all.
Now, back to your regularly-scheduled honey and chocolate feast.
Just got a chance to get caught up on your thread.
I am so sorry about your dad. Even though you knew it was coming it has to be a terrible feeling of lose for you.
Great news on selling your house and the buying of a new one. Man that went quickly. Maybe I need you to come sell mine lol. Is the new house bigger? I hope you have some help with babypot and the rest while you are trying to pack. I can imagine with everything else you are dealing with life would seem a little overwhelming at the moment.
Take some time for you a nice bubble bath a nice dinner out something just to give you a break
Quote: I am finding myself wanting to resume our sex life, now that the grief is subsiding from those first clutches. But I am feeling pressured to go back to being happy-go-lucky first. There is a feeling in me that I can't be myself, whatever 'myself' is on any given day, because I have to maintain the Cheerful Persona or he will continue to ignore me.
Oh (((((honey)))), this is what it comes down to for so many of us, isn't it... we're stuffed into a box or a role and aren't allowed to grow or change...
Chocolove, Ya know........I don't know if I've told him that. I agree that me saying, "I know I've changed the rules on you..." is much more powerful than merely changing the rules and expecting him to catch on. Which of course he has--he's no dummy. But for me to acknowledge the changeup would be good; I think you're right about that.
He has maintained, over the years, that he is unable to be the alpha male. I don't remember why. The more he digs in his heels, the less sexually assertive *I* become. So you can see that we are entrenched in our own battle of the wills, as you and yours are.
Oh well, it'll either work itself out or we will just mutually give up and accept it as is. Either way, it's not a bad life. I have a loving husband who is devoted to me so I can't complain too much. Also I have to remain positive or Lillie'll come after me. (kidding)
Awwww honey... I wish we could be there to hand out some hugs. What you are experiencing is a natural stage of the grief process... You are still sad, still accomodating to the feeling of missing your Dad and you are ready to reach out for connection. You just don't have the emotional energy to reach too far. Try to be patient with your H's confusion - he doesn't know whether to "burden" you with sex or not. I know that this is a recurring theme in your M (mine too) but try to be patient, talk with H and be grateful that he isn't an a-hole who doens't care that you are grieving.
He has maintained, over the years, that he is unable to be the alpha male. I don't remember why. The more he digs in his heels, the less sexually assertive *I* become. So you can see that we are entrenched in our own battle of the wills, as you and yours are.
I think I recall discussion some time ago about your H’s family and how he tries to be the pleaser, making everyone else happy at his own expense. I know you two have talked about this but could there be more bubbling under the surface? When he says he is afraid to approach you after being apart for a while, could he be experiencing the same fears he felt as a child when wondering how to please his father?
Also, could he be worried about his dad now that your dad has passed?
Sorry to hear your sitch isn't any better. 
