GEL, thanks so much for also not "getting" that story. For a sec, I thought I was losing my mind.
Mojo, I get your explanation of the story totally. The fact is that if neither person of a couple is reaching out for sex, AND neither person cares whether they ever have sex again, then it is time to move on.
The stance I'm taking these days is that my feeling of not "feeling loved" (which is not the same as not BEING loved, because I know he loves me) begins and ends entirely within me. I know this is true, because most of my life, I have not "felt loved." In the beginning of a R where you dote on each other, I have felt loved for a shor time (months or years). I feel loved because I have finally "gotten the guy." I feel worthwhile, special, chosen. But eventually, I cease to feel loved, even when the guy is still interested in sex.
In this particular relationship, my not feeling loved is hinged on, or hangs on, or is connected to lack of sex. But in the past in other Rs, it was due to the guy's being at work all the time, or the health issues, or... well... that he wouldn't divorce his wife and marry me. See what I mean? In all these cases, I KNEW the man loved me, but I didn't FEEL loved. I can find a way to NOT feel loved. That is my particular pathology.
I am now taking responsibility for how I feel, and not making that feeling a result of how he treats me or how he acts toward me or what he does or doesn't do. Because I KNOW he loves me. In fact, the lack of sex issue forces me to confront my own lack of self love.
I firmly believe that if we were having sex all the time, I would still find some way of not feeling loved by him. When he was drinking, I used to say if he would just stop drinking, that would solve everything. Now it's the sex. But if we started having lots of sex (which we could do if I would initiate all the time), something else would turn up as an issue. The fact is that the basic issue is IN ME.
When I can resolve INTERNALLY the issue of not feeling loved (and its sidekick "nobody wants me"), what is going on OUTSIDE me will cease to be an issue. This will happen in one of several ways, I will "feel" loved no matter what he does or doesn't do, he will start acting more physically loving and sexy for no apparent reason, he will leave on his own, we will both drift away from each other.
I think this approach is pretty similar to what you're doing/have done, with more embellishing explanation.
Thanks for hanging in and explaining this. I've learned a LOT.
