No Longer Sex-Starved

[MJontheMend]

But JJ, I'd still like to hear the details of your attitude change. I want to learn from you.

I think I've probably over-emphasized my attitude change as being critical to the improvement in my situation. It's just what I'm thinking about now because that's the phase I went through most recently. I am doing the "newbies" on the BB a disservice if I give the impression that a change in attitude on the part of the HD partner is all that is necessary. I would say that it is necessary but not sufficient. You still have to work towards resolving the problem with your spouse. I'm just saying that the more reasonable your attitude is in addressing the issue, the more chance you have of resolving the problem in a practical sense and the more room you leave for your partner to actually desire to solve the problem for themselves.

Here is the analogy I've been thinking about lately. There are two HD guys. They court and marry two women. Things are great or at least good or at least hopeful during the courtship and honeymoon phase but then things go downhill. The usual disenchantment and revelation phase occurs. In one marriage, the husband is upset because after the birth of their first child his wife's libido plummeted and became non-existent after the birth of the second. In the second marriage, the husband is upset because after the first child was born his wife gained 75 lbs. and then she gained another 100 lbs. after the birth of the second.

I would suggest that husband #1 would be best off if he would view and react to his wife's libido problem in the same common sense way that husband #2 might view and react to his wife's problem with obesity. Of course, when I say this I am making the assumption that in the case of obesity the husband would be better able to not take it personally, see through or deflect his wife's defense mechanisms and be more accepting of the fact that his wife may never put as high a value on physical appearance as he does and may never be as thin as he might prefer. It might be easier for the husband of the obese wife to see that nagging his wife about her weight or trying to be her pro-active diet coach could be counter-productive. If this husband was smart, he wouldn't go looking for hidden cookie wrappers in the car, wouldn't give his wife dirty looks as she tried to smush into too tight jeans and also wouldn't buy her a dozen roses and sing her praises any time she lost 20 lbs..

However, both husband's would be stuck with a similar dilemma if they came to believe that the situation would never change. They would have to ask themselves "Should I leave? Is it alright for me to leave simply because my wife only wants to have sex twice a year or because my wife weighs 325 lbs.?". It becomes a moral issue that depends on the individual involved and other circumstances such as religion, children, money, community etc.

If I apply the analogy to my situation, I would say that my change of attitude is the equivalent of the guy with the obese wife realizing that he's really okay, happy with a wife who is 50 lbs. overweight and making an effort for some combination of her own good and the good of the relationship.