The only way I know of to do this is called cheating! That's hardly sublimating Cemar. Are you honestly going to tell me there is NOTHING you can do to control your sexual urges? I'm sure your a bright guy Cemar, not some wild animal. Although I must say, I wonder if you have some sort of brain injury, the way you stick on a point without seeming to deviate at all from your militant stance. It's quite obsessive. So I guess I'll ask (even though I doubt you will respond) - can you give us a bio-psycho-social summary of who Cemar is. I'm actually quite fascinated in the potential answers. You yourself said the sexual act is 75% mental, so maybe you need to work on your "mental game." Like I said in the previous post, Perception is Reality.
I doubt there are ANY men on here that want sex just for the physical aspects, I know I certainly do not. It is the EC of great sex that is what is important. I know my wife and many other women believe that we just need the sex, and this is where the problems arise. They are WILLING to be used for sex, but it is the DESIRE for sex that completely transforms the event into EC. Women (including my wife) want the EC BEFORE having sex, and they have no concept of having the EC DURING sex, or that THEIR desire for sex creates an EC with the man. They focus on the "O" when in fact they should be focusing on the WHY of sex. I have said before, the whole SSM thing has very little to do with the actual sex, it is the WHY of sex that should be the focus.
Women (including my wife) want the EC BEFORE having sex
Call me a freak but so do I. I do what I must though.
they have no concept of having the EC DURING sex,
so why dont you teach her, or create it? that wont happen when you have sex 1 time a month. NOPE.
They focus on the "O" hers or yours? They is to general. all women are different. and I dont think you have been paying attention to landicas confessional thread.
the whole SSM thing has very little to do with the actual sex true. in most cases. Sometimes it is in fact the quality of the sex. But I am assuming you are good at something you are so passionate about.In the majority of the cases, I personally think that SSM is about power struggles. it is the WHY of sex that should be the focus I think this statement shows a complete lack of comprehension that womens basic sexually receptive nature is nothing like ours. There reasons for ML are often different then ours. You stated your wife will have sex with you whenever you want. To me this tells me she loves you and your unappreciation for this fact is sad.
When I have sex with her, it is like sex with a hooker. It's all busines. Eys wide open orgasam? Not a chance. There is no connection. She basically does the minimum to get herself to orgasam and me to orgasam, then immediately gets up to use the bathroom. No cuddling, no kissing, no foreplay for me, no real interest in my body, flat out NO DESIRE. Basically, I am a chore. She sucks all the fun out of it. What it comes down to is that if you don't liek sex, you really can not be any good at it.
well I believe that I told you before the mans mental state controls the R. So if you think it is like having sex w/hooker it will be. ..... .... ....
mmm.
Eys wide open orgasam? Not a chance. There is no connection Well x and I had huge EC (at one time) and very sexually experimental. This eyes wide open orgasm. Thats .... so intense. Do you think thats SOP? We both wanted it at various times and it was still screamingly difficult. for both of us. Cripes Cemar, is this one of your needs? suddenly I get the feeling you watch to much porn.
She sucks all the fun out of it. As I was saying before most SSM IMO, are power struggles. I get this overwhelming sense that you want/need/must dominate your W. Well it sounds like you have and she has still managed to take what you thought you wanted and beat you with it. This eyes wide open Oing just reinforces my opinion.
She basically does the minimum to get herself to orgasam and me to orgasam Sounds like she is pretty good at it then. Or at least efficient. Has her body and emotions disconnected. That takes a lot of trauma and work.
Its a very interesting dynamic you have going on there.
I am getting confused though, I seem to have this silly goal of having a passionate marriage, and from what I gather here, that seems to not be realistic. From your perspective, what IS the goal of a marriage? Do you want to be Lovers? Best Friends? Friends? Roomates? Is desire even necessary?
Sorry to butt in, and with apologies to MrsNOP, I'd like to copy a post she made a few months ago. Tell me CeMar, do you agree with the following statements?
"I want to be able to discuss anything and everything with you. Conversations conveyed with respect and kindness even on the topics we find difficult, and done so without explosions of anger or cold withdrawals.
I want us to be comfortable, close and trusting enough with each other that there are no "eggshell places or pits of doom" in our relationship.
I want to be able to reach out and touch you with kisses, hugs or caresses with the knowledge that my touch is welcome to you and not something you merely tolerate or outright avoid.
I want you to reach out and touch me with kisses, hugs and caresses and know that you do so for love of me and a celebration of us.
I want to build a lifetime with you that we can look back on with warmth and pride rather than regret and sorrow.
I want to grab your hand, kiss your lips, hug you softly, look you in the eyes and have it be clean and joyous with no shadow between us to spoil it.
I'm not looking for sexual olympics. I'm not looking for overwhelming, glazed-eyed sexual desire. I'm not looking for something new and different each time we come together.
I want to make love to you. I want you to make love to me. Where we can be comfortable with each other. Where we can be open to each other. Where we both lay down our guard and allow the other in for a time.
I want you to be next to me and that I can know that I am the man you have chosen to spend your life with, to spend your days with, and that you would choose me again."
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrome, BF, I think I can save you some time where CeMar is concerned. You guys don't know me, since you've arrived during my long absence, but I bet Corri will back me up on what I'm about to say. Not that I'm holding myself up as any paragon of virtue or wisdom, God knows. I still have lots to work out for myself, but I can see I've made some progress in the past few years.
As I see it, CeMar's biggest problem is that he wants to be wanted, but he doesn't want to want. By itself, that's no big issue, since it affects most of us. Thing is, he can't handle true intimacy - he can't be open to his W the way he wants her to be open to him. He can't let her really know him. Truth is, he doesn't like himself very much, but "hides" this behind a lot of bluster that looks like he likes himself a great deal. If he has no self-respect, how can he expect others to respect him?
CeMar, you spend lots of time worrying about how things "should" be. Why not take a realistic view of how things ARE? Deal with that. Don't look for changes in your W unless you're making honest and sincere efforts to change yourself. I say that because I see absolutely no progress in you since I first started reading your posts 3 years ago. Your posts still read exactly the same way now as they did then. In the meantime, I know you have read SSM, PM and others. Read them again, but read the WHOLE book, and don't just read with a view to confirming your own pet POV. Consider the possibility that it is you that "doesn't get it". And finally, notice that when I have nothing to say other than "SSDD", I stop posting for a while, till I have something to contribute...
BTW, Chrome, that was a fantastic post, and many thanks to Mrs. NOP. I just may use that to help me communicate to W what I really am looking for...
Chrome, BF, I think I can save you some time where CeMar is concerned. You guys don't know me,
Tim. Your right. I dont know you. Or anyone else here. Well maybe chromo... a little. I back check a little when previous posters return. I find your posts thoughtful, considerate, and helpful. I hope things continue to improve for you.
Dont worry about me and Cemar. We have been good friends practically since the day I got here.
