Quote: The fact of the matter is there is no way in hell my H would want to be married to a woman who would never have sex with him. But forget about the specific instance of my H and consider some sort of idealized version LD man who would be happy married to your wife.
My bf is struggling, and I do mean struggling, with ED. He is full of self-loathing about it (I know this because he told me so last night). He would be much more content being married to a woman who never wanted sex. He would RATHER have a functioning penis and be with someone who wants sex. But since his penis isn't functioning to his satisfaction, he would rather I never bring it up. I also know this because when I brought it up last night, he rolled his eyes, and said in a most unkind way: "Oh, so we're back to that again, are we?" and thereafter ensued a long argument/discussion/debate that ended with me taking a xanax and going to bed.
So yes, there are some men who would rather not Go There.
JJ, I currently do not initiate sex and it has never been something I do on a regular basis. Still, I struggle at times with my H's preferred frequency. Actually on the weeks that he is "on", he is unstoppable. He told me last week, during our fckfest, that he couldn't get enough of me and planned to have me every single night. And he did.
Then this week, nothin.
I struggle with this from both a physical and a mental POV.
I think you are right on, with your analysis of an LDH and what is going to work in the long run, btw.
Paul, my H would *shudder* at the thought of being married to your wife. LDH's, in my experience, do NOT want to be married to a woman who doesn't want sex. In fact, one of the things they seem to prize is the horniness of their wife.
Quote: Paul, my H would *shudder* at the thought of being married to your wife. LDH's, in my experience, do NOT want to be married to a woman who doesn't want sex. In fact, one of the things they seem to prize is the horniness of their wife.
Go figure.
Yeah, go figure. That's an interesting insight. I assure you my wife does not prize my horniness. I thought one lesson of this board was that there really are LDH's out there, just like there are LDW's. Interesting to note how different those two really are.
Do you think there are ND women, but really no ND men?
I struggle with this from both a physical and a mental POV.
I gotta go back to my weather analogy and suggest that what you need is a rainy day/week/month plan. Actually, I'm glad you brought this unpredictability issue up because though I've told myself that my H is bound to relapse into a LD phase sometime and I've vowed not to deal with it in my previous counter-productive manner, I haven't really made concrete plans about how to deal with it and now I will. Hmmm, I think my plan will be to redecorate the bathroom the next time he conks out on me. See how it works? Now I'm almost hoping he will go LD on me soon so I can indulge in some time spent contemplating color swatches.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I assure you my wife does not prize my horniness.
I doubt this is altogether true. For instance, do you think it would make your wife happy if you were to lose your sex drive because you no longer found her sexually attractive? Many LDW who have been on the board have commented that they would be unhappy if this were the case, they would find it distressing in the same way the HDW generally do.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: Hmmm, I think my plan will be to redecorate the bathroom the next time he conks out on me. See how it works? Now I'm almost hoping he will go LD on me soon so I can indulge in some time spent contemplating color swatches.
Careful what you "wish" for, JJ. I have (at least) 4 hobbies, all of which I've spent many hours with in the past few years. All are fulfilling, but not in the way regular relations with W would be. She, however, will initiate only about 1 or 2 times per year, if I didn't make an issue of it...
Okay, I'm continuing here with my rainy day plan to deal with Mr. HP's unpredictable sex drive.
I feel like I know Mr.HP so well, I can read his brain as well as HP. So.. after a week-long f*ckfest Mr. HP wakes up and thinks to himself "Enough sexual indulgence, I must get back to hard work and godly thoughts. Surely, HP will be satisfied for a while.". HP is instantly able to pick up the vibe that Mr.HP is thinking this way and is pretty darn sure she is out of luck if she wanted the f*ckfest to continue that evening. What is her best plan?
A) Go to the mall and buy a hot new outfit in the hope of enticing Mr.HP into continuing the f*ckfest.
B) Have a talk with Mr.HP about how she does not appreciate the unpredictability of his sex drive.
C) Make Mr.HP his favorite dinner and spend quality time talking about religion with him in the hopes that he will reciprocate with sex.
D) Go to the mall and buy hot new outfit. Plan on spending the evening out at the bar with some girlfriends wearing hot new outfit because she knows she's unlikely to have any fun or get any affirmation at home. Let Mr.HP cook his own dinner and deal with the kids.
E) Go to the mall and buy a hot new outfit, the ingredients for Mr.HPs favorite dinner and the materials to start sewing some new curtains for the bathroom. Greet Mr.HP at the door wearing hot new outfit and serve him his favorite dinner. Spend the evening engaged in the enjoyable activity of designing curtains for the bathroom.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: She, however, will initiate only about 1 or 2 times per year, if I didn't make an issue of it...
I think HDM have it harder in a way because you really don't have the option of doing the "just don't initiate" exercise because it is expected that sexual initiation is your responsibility. I think the reaction many LDW would have if their H's stopped initiating sex is they would be concerned but they wouldn't know how to pick up the slack themselves and would have the tendency to just mire themselves deeper into whatever LD state of being they were comfortable with. I think the exercise most HDM need to consider doing is to initiate sex on a regular basis but figure out how to be totally cool with hearing "No" if the "No" is offered in a respectful manner and how to insist that "No" is offered in a respectful manner if it isn't.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: ...but figure out how to be totally cool with hearing "No" if the "No" is offered in a respectful manner and how to insist that "No" is offered in a respectful manner if it isn't.
That sounds about right, although I'd add that even if offered in a respectful manner, "No" isn't acceptable as the "standard" response, given most of the time, unless it's followed up with a counter-offer (i.e. "Not tonight, I'm tired, but let's plan on it tomorrow night...")
as always....