Why do you think your body needs sex more than your testosterone-loaded H's body needs sex? I would guess the answer is that your H is constantly sublimating his sex drive and you are rarely sublimating yours. I think there are two good reasons why you don't sublimate your sex drive (based on the assumption that you are like me ). The first good reason is you believe sex is a good thing and therefore having a strong sex drive is a good thing so why should you want to sublimate your drive. The second good reason is you think it would be wrong to sublimate your sex drive. The reason you think it would be wrong is that by consciously sublimating your sex drive you would be making yourself more LD and unlike a "naturally" LD person, you would be doing it intentionally and therefore it would be a mean, selfish thing to do.
I guess my scientific theory which I've kind of proven to be true for myself is that if you only have a female size helping of testosterone, if you don't pump up the volume by thinking about sex, you probably won't end up being all that distracted by your purely physical drive. Though really the same is probably true for any guy who doesn't have moral compunctions regarding MB.
So, how do you stop thinking about sex? First, tell yourself that the message that your H is giving you with his LD behavior is that he would like to be in charge of driving the sexual car. That means that your sex life is his responsibility and you are now free to concern yourself with other things. For instance, you could start day-trading on the stock market or you could become obsessed with breeding dahlias. You will find that it is very hard to spend a lot of time thinking about something if you feel like it is beyond your control or not your responsibility. I mean even if you really like the sun, you probably don't spend a lot of time thinking about the weather and even if you are very neat, you let the garbage man deal with the trash. Even if it rains for 20 days straight there ain't much you can do about it and even if the garbage man goes on strike it still isn't your job to drive the truck -so why worry about it?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I too am interested in what you are saying. But I am having a hard time applying it in any way that makes sense.
In your response to Honeypot's inquiry about dealing with the very real physical urges, you made sense--sort of, I'm still trying to figure out what sublimate means beyond high school science class. But that made sense for ladies.
Perhaps I just don't understand you ladies like I should, but how does this apply to a HD guy who has been cut off completely? Maybe I'm being too presumptuous and unintentionally masogynistic to ask about the physical needs of a man. I'm finding that since my W and I have stopped having sex, my hormones are off the chart and I find myself in very discomfitting situations. Shite, all she has to do is bump into me and I'm having to apply the same techniques I learned in junior high to 'hide' *wink*.
I am resonating with what you said about that since my W is the one refusing, it is she who wants control, and is therefore her responsibility now. You say, refocus on something more productive and self-fulfilling. Okay...that SOUNDS good...but my body is doing things that are just WAY out of whack--I'm embarrassed to say that I can't even sit comfortably across from my own wife if I am wearing anything that could possibly show my *ahem* enthusiasm.
The intolerable cruelty here is that middle of last year she was 'medically enhanced', and that physical attraction to her was all but tripled quite literally.
Being frank, the only way I have been able to deal is to take care of the 'problem' on my own...but that is only a temporary fix. How do you suppose your sage advice applies to us guys? Can it still work?
I guess the thing I react to most in your post, Jen, is that I could never concieve of having anyone other than ME in charge of my libido - that's mine. Of course, there have been times when it was more in control of me, but that's still MY struggle, and nobody's responsibility or business but my own, except someone (W) whom I invite to be part of it. But, like you, I see my libido as a GOOD thing, something I enjoy, something to be cherished. Not something shameful to be squelched. No doubt you haven't yet fully articulated yourself, and very likely neither have I...
Quote: But still, it places the burden on ME to adjust. But from what you are saying, that is what I have to do IF I choose to stay in the M. The LD S may be happy with the SL so whoever is the "unhappy" one needs to be the one to make the attitude adjustment. For their own sanity, happiness, etc. Wow, that's a hard pill to swallow but I fear you may have it right. Need to mull this over awhile.
I agree with you. Most HD people can actually NOT adjust their sex drives downward. If I take this approach (and I might have to), then effectively I would see my marriage as worthless and continue in the roomate mode (like now!).
Exactly! I doubt this would work for HD men. Short of taking some kind of drug to lower the libido, it will result in nothing but resentment. How would a man actually WILL himself to be LD? You can not turn off testsoterone at these levels.
Quote: I'm embarrassed to say that I can't even sit comfortably across from my own wife if I am wearing anything that could possibly show my *ahem* enthusiasm.
LOL- Well, how did you deal with that kind of physical problem when you were 15 and you had a crush on your English teacher? How would you handle that sort of physical problem if your brother's wife wore a see-through dress to the family bar-b-que? We all learn to control our libido's when necessary to avoid bad consequences. The problem, I know, is that you believe that marriage shouldn't be a situation in which you need to control your libido, at least not to the extent that your situation entails. Unfortunately, this is an idealistic, not a practical POV.
I am definitely not suggesting that HDM should give up initiating sex. This is normal male behavior. What you need to give up is working too hard to get a positive response. Think about a cheesey made-for-TV movie about a guy who ends up stalking a movie star. Squelch anything in your behavior that remotely resembles the behavior of this character. Don't change your behavior in this way because it might increase your odds of getting laid, do it because it will increase your self-respect.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
To All the Men who just posted: But don't you think Mojo is making a good point that it is more the ATTITUDE than the fact that you would actually be lowering your sex drive? Even as a woman, I still would consider myself HD within the M, but my happiness and contentment in the M may increase if I stop putting so much weight on the SL. Maybe? I think that point could work for men or women. Plenty of men are HD and in M's with LDW. You don't see all of these men on boards like this frustrated up the wazoo. I bet some of them ACCEPT the fact that the SL will never be what they had hoped but have effectively sublimated these urges in other directions. That's all she is saying I think. Look, I'm not saying as a personal choice I could ever fully embrace this way of thinking either. But I bet it does work if you truly want it to. Mind over matter.
Here's another way to look at it. You will be far happier in your marriage if instead of working really hard to make your spouse happy and hoping that they will reciprocate by working really hard to make you happy too, you simply do a little work to achieve the POV of someone who would be happy to be married to your spouse as he/she is.
If your gut-response is there is nobody who could be happy married to my spouse as he/she is, then probably you are in a situation in which your spouse is not treating you with respect. If this is the case then the question to ask yourself is what kind of person would be happy with my spouse because they are the kind of person my spouse would treat with respect?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My thought on the level of sex drive is that it has an addictive component to it, because of the release of endorphins in the brain. Some people get more of this release than others and therefore learn to crave sex more. I think this is similar to the “runner’s high” long distance runners get. It can become “addictive” to the point they crave going on another 10 mile run.
This is why I mentioned to HoneyPot some time back that maybe she had an element of this “sex addiction” in her drive. My comments at the time came across more as a negative addiction like gambling, but I still think there is an endorphin component that drives her. HP, notice how you are down in the dumps right now, to the point of feeling a little depressed. I wonder if a weekend of long, hard, animal sex wouldn’t lift you right out of that slump. Sure the EC would be a big part of this, but I think the chemical high plays a big part too.
So what I hear Jenny saying is little more than a means to break addiction to this “high,” just as you would addiction to gambling, shopping or other less serious types of addiction. For shoppers and gamblers, if you can stay away from the malls and casinos, and take up your spare time with other activities that keep you so busy you can’t think of your addiction, then you’ve gone a long way toward defeating it. At any time you could easily relapse, if you chose.
There was someone here that mentioned going through “seasons” with their sex drive. I find my self experiencing the same thing. A lot of it has to do with whether I am getting enough rest, or am busy with some project. But others too have said the more sex you have, the higher your drive can become, especially for women. Why would this be? To me, the simple and straightforward answer is the endorphin release and slowly training the brain to become “addicted” to this feeling.
I do not think I am an addictive personality (no craving for alcohol, food, drugs, etc.), so if I have more sex, I can ramp up my drive, but after some time (maybe a few months) I can let this taper off without having this longing of needing another “hit.” I would suspect that other people who are genetically prone to addiction would feel more of a craving to have sex. Now, when I am in a high drive “season,” not having sex does promote cravings and I need the release. I don’t know how much is physiological within my glands, and how much is an endorphin craving in my brain, but I think the two are related.
). The first good reason is you believe sex is a good thing and therefore having a strong sex drive is a good thing so why should you want to sublimate your drive. The second good reason is you think it would be wrong to sublimate your sex drive. The reason you think it would be wrong is that by consciously sublimating your sex drive you would be making yourself more LD and unlike a "naturally" LD person, you would be doing it intentionally and therefore it would be a mean, selfish thing to do.