Interesting. So are you saying you had to mentally accept that you would be happier if you adjusted to his sexual frequency? The fact that you no longer initiate, does that mean that he has stepped up and started initiating more or have you mentally adjusted to the idea of sex on his less frequent schedule? most men want to self-identify as HD and in order to do that they have to find themselves initiating sex more often than their partner. Yes! I think you are right about that for sure. The stereotype of men being the aggressor is backed up with tons of evolutionary/biological data. That is the "normal" pattern. In other words, it sucks being a HDW in a M with a LDH. Worst combo possible I think. Goes against nature Glad things are working out for you!
Quote: In other words, it sucks being a HDW in a M with a LDH. Worst combo possible I think.
I agree. So what can you do about it? What are your choices? Can you make your H more HD? Do you choose to leave your marriage? If you choose to stay in your marriage the only part of the equation you do or should have control over is your own sex drive. The trick is figuring out how to control your sex drive in a positive manner. For instance, it's easy to make the mistake of thinking that the only way to control your sex drive is to give yourself negative messages about sex in general or your own sexuality. This is like trying to gain control over your eating habits by telling yourself that your thighs are repulsive or visualizing worms in chocolate bars. This kind of thinking can only lead to depression and desperate midnight freezer raids.
Here are some thoughts that did end up helping me.
1) I thought about how really I don't have any more testosterone than other women so why does my little bit of testosterone make me as horny as a lot of men with their big old helpings of testosterone? The only answer I could come up with is that early in adolescence I recognized my little surges of horniness for what they were and mentally pumped them up with fantasy. Thus I gave myself the opposite advice I would give a LD woman trying to up her desire, I told myself to stop fantasizing about sex so much. This was just kind of the equivalent of telling yourself that if you've decided to let your H be in charge of yard maintenance because you're tired of fighting about it, it's counter-productive to keep reading gardening magazines all the time.
2) I told myself that my H's sex drive is really something I have no control over like the weather and therefore I shouldn't let it have very much control over my emotional state or my behavior. I also told myself that it was obviously something he had very little control over himself. I think part of what makes someone be HD in their relationship is their belief that they can positively influence their LD spouses sex drive. You become high drive because you do a lot of things to effect a change. For instance, you clean the garage your LDW has been complaining about or you lose the 20 pounds your LDH has been pointing to as the problem and you expect that your hard work will be rewarded. This is a big mistake because by working on your relationship in this manner you are investing too much of your ego strength in your spouse's sex drive. LD folk can invest too much ego strength in their sexuality also, but in the opposite manner. They feel like they are giving up ego strength by having sex, so they look for compensation in a way that makes the HD partner feel as though they are being asked to "pay" for sex. For instance, the LDW who feels like she is doing something ego damaging by giving her H head, but feels like it would have been alright if he had built up her ego first by doing something romantic like buying roses or telling her she is beautiful or asking her advice on a business deal.
Okay, I'm rambling. My point is you can only do counter-productive things if you try to get your spouse to divorce their ego from their sexuality whether you are currently HD or LD. However, the more you can do this for yourself, the more happy and secure you will be in any sexual relationship, not just the one in which you are currently involved.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
How interesting Jenny... You have taken a mature, disciplined approach to your sex drive and have found peace. Myabe that's the next step for me, but right now I am really really enjoying being sex-obsessed ( I am going through in my 40's what you went through as a teen...just a slight developmental delay,lol). I have made some progress dusting off the anger/resentment/withholding behavior of my H but I am still pressuring the system. The thing is, I really don't want to stop.
Anyway... I am soooo happy you are back, if only for a little while.
Hi Jen, glad you're back. I've wondered about you many times. How was the trip to Alaska?
And I feel I need to ask this (hd was joking, but I'm serious): are you still married to the same person?
I'm going to post something from a book on my thread that dovetails perfectly with what you are saying.
I stopped initiating sex in April 2004, and in the time since then, we've had sex probably five times, and he initiated once. The process of coping with this has led to lots of growth in me in some of the ways you describe, but the verdict is still not in on what I'm going to do when his daughters graduate in May.
Taking off my shirt in front of him would not constitute initiation. In fact we sleep naked and spooned every night and he still doesn't initiate (to be fair, neither do I).
I'm very interested in your insights and thought processes.
This post was packed with great info! If you choose to stay in your marriage the only part of the equation you do or should have control over is your own sex drive. The trick is figuring out how to control your sex drive in a positive manner. For instance, it's easy to make the mistake of thinking that the only way to control your sex drive is to give yourself negative messages about sex in general or your own sexuality. Got it. So I need to give up some control over "fixing" him and not give myself negative messages. I think that is what I used to do (fix) but I am no longer willing to go there. Because you are right, it leads to depression. I think I also used to make myself not as attractive physically thinking it would decrease my sexual drive. Not healthy and certainly made me just feel worse about myself, let alone the M. This is like trying to gain control over your eating habits by telling yourself that your thighs are repulsive or visualizing worms in chocolate bars. Bite your tongue! I could never visualize worms in chocolate. That's sacrilegious! I told myself to stop fantasizing about sex so much. So you are sublimating your sexual urges into more productive things, instead of being frustrated that the SL is not where you want it to be. counter-productive to keep reading gardening magazines all the time So looking at porn is the last thing a HD person should be doing. Yikes. Not that I look at porn (ok, very rarely) but lots of men do. hmmmm... I think part of what makes someone be HD in their relationship is their belief that they can positively influence their LD spouses sex drive. You become high drive because you do a lot of things to effect a change. Which rarely work! Just leads to more frustration and hopelessness. working on your relationship in this manner you are investing too much of your ego strength in your spouse's sex drive. LD folk can invest too much ego strength in their sexuality also, but in the opposite manner. Nicely put. And I am definitely making progress on not tying my ego to my H's sex drive. Just because he is lower drive than me, it is not a reflection on my own sexuality. Two separate entities. But still, it places the burden on ME to adjust. But from what you are saying, that is what I have to do IF I choose to stay in the M. The LD S may be happy with the SL so whoever is the "unhappy" one needs to be the one to make the attitude adjustment. For their own sanity, happiness, etc. Wow, that's a hard pill to swallow but I fear you may have it right. Need to mull this over awhile.
You have taken a mature, disciplined approach to your sex drive and have found peace.
That's a nice way to put it. I think I'm too much of a Type 7 borderline manic to take a mature, disciplined approach to anything. In one of the many books I read on the topic of sex-starved marriages there was a blurb about how sometimes marriages become non-sexual because both partners have too much pride to make the move to initiate and thereby show their neediness and face rejection. It occurred to me that maybe I was a little too willing to do it, maybe I needed a little more pride. Of course, if you take the premise too far you end up siamese-twinning yourself into LD land. So I tried to develop the feeling of "too much pride" to venture into sexual territory where I am clearly not wanted but take out the component of anger.
I am probably making it seem like all I did was resign myself to a not so great situation. This isn't true at all. My situation is much better than it was in many ways. For instance, as some of you might recall, my weight was previously a big issue in the fights about sex that went on in my marriage. I must report that I unfortunately have gained back a bit (okay a bit more than a bit) of the weight I lost in my quest to ramp up my H's sex drive by reducing my waistline. My H never, ever says anything negative about my weight these days. In fact, during a recent sexual interlude he went into a long monologue (rather reminiscent of one Hairdog once gave concerning his wife's assets-lol)about how fantastic my breasts look, theorizing that they must be bigger than ever before. Also, we do have sex pretty frequently, though the interesting thing is I really don't keep track of the frequency anymore either.
If you give up the dependency of being HD, you will find that there is no opportunity for your spouse to treat you with anything but respect and if you treat your spouse with respect as he/she struggles to overcome the dependencies that make him or her LD then there is no reason for your spouse to treat you with anything but affection.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, What do you do about the physical urges? I remember that you and I are a couple of the only gals I've known whose drive has a big physical component to it, and is not primarily driven by emotion.
What do people like us do? How can I give up being dependent on being HD when my body needs sex?
Mentally, I'm with ya. I no longer feel that desperation to be validated as a woman from him. It wasn't working, so I quit and am much happier.
But how to practically deal with the disparate libidos is one that I haven't found a complete answer to. What do I do with my physical drive, even if my mind is okay with not having sex right then?
Welcome back, Jenny! I can relate to your need to get away from this board for awhile. I feel the same way sometimes. The difference, since I'm a sporadic poster at best, is nobody notices when I take a break....
I can't tell if the frequency of your sex life has changed, or just your attitude.... are you happier in part because you're having more, or have you just learned to live with less?
I'm glad stopping the initiation worked for you, but it sure won't work for me. I've tried, for months at a time. You know what it got me? Zero sex, for months at a time. That's the problem with a ND partner. If you stop initiating, they don't worry. For them, it's a pleasant vacation.
