No. I didn't get eaten by a bear in Alaska . I left the board cold turkey because I knew that it had become part of the problem rather than part of the solution for me. As you might guess from my subject heading, I've returned to share my success story rather than to seek more support. I've tried to start this post a couple times but I'm finding it difficult to explain how I finally achieved success. Perhaps, this is because the phrase "achieved success" doesn't really have the right connotation. In fact, it almost has exactly the wrong connotation.
Clear as mud, huh. I guess what I'm trying to express is that what I've learned since I was last on this board is much more important then anything I did. The most important thing I learned is that HD and LD are really not opposites but variations on the same theme of ego and control played out in the area of marital sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Jenny, Welcome back! Good to hear things are OK with you, and glad to hear that you didn't get eaten by a bear or run off with Hank the Lumberjack never to be seen or heard from again.
RE MojoReturns/JJ The most important thing I learned is that HD and LD are really not opposites but variations on the same theme of ego and control played out in the area of marital sex.
LD and HD are pert of a bell curve, and yes ego and control are part of the picture.
So glad you said Hi. At one time I wondered if you alive. Good to hear from you.
I left the board cold turkey because I knew that it had become part of the problem rather than part of the solution for me. I have some of those feelings too. BTDT.
Holy Cr@p, Jenny, you almost gave me a heart attack. Glad to see you back, bearing good news. I was convinced that you never came back from Alaska.
I have been through the phase where this board was doing more harm than good, and took a couple of sabbaticals. Now, my level of fusion with the board seems to be down to a point where it doesn't derail me, so I jump in every now and then.
Anyhow, yes, do tell us more. And I hope you will use some good analogies. I've missed those.
What I meant by the board being "part of the problem" for me was that though participating on the board helped me get over the misery and despair of being a HDW, it kept me stuck in an angry mode because participating in the board kept me firmly self-identified as HD. I wouldn't choose to identify myself as HD now, though I would still describe myself as a woman who enjoys sex.
I say that HD and LD are two sides of the same coin because if you are in a sex-starved marriage, you and your spouse have a lot in common and it doesn't really matter which of you is HD or LD. What you have in common is that you both feel that you have a lack of control over the situation and that your spouse is trying to control you. The only way to transcend this is to get more control over yourself and your emotions.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hiya, Jenny! With you gone, the SSM Board was like a donkey without a helicopter. . . I mean, it was like a big frosty pitcher of Iced tea to man who was thirsty but who was wearing a helmet made of spam (the luncheon meat), wait...this isn't coming out right...it was like...uh...
Dang...we miss your analogies.
And I can relate that SSM can be part of the problem. It sometimes helps feed my anger. I took a break for a few weeks (was hardly missed, compared to you).
I do understand your point about staying angry. I often wait rather than react to the things I post here and the answers I receive. When I am too hasty I get bit in the azz.
Could you post more about what is going on for you? What are the changes and how you have achieved them? Not for comment but for learning. I think you are an incredibly wise woman and as a poster are much missed.
Hey, Jenny! Good to see you again, especially talking of success, which for many of us has remained an elusive dream, or occasional mirage. I do hope you'll post more about what that looks like in your case, so the rest of us can see what it might entail. I agree, the HD/LD labels aren't particularly useful, especially when seen as defining factors, which they're demonstrably not. I also took a long hiatus from the board, for very similar reasons, although I was also "in the desert" in R terms. Wandering in darkness, so to speak. Hopefully that's about to change for me. Please do tell us more about the current state of your R, and whether your definition of success (which I assume, given the title of this thread) has to do more with revised expectations, or if there has been a more general and positive change in your R. Welcome back!
What I actually did might seem deceptively simple. I just stopped initiating sex. The hard part was dealing with all the negative emotions that changing my behavior in this way summoned up. This was because I thought that in order to not be or behave HD in my relationship, I had to become or behave more LD. This is like believing that if you are in a car your foot must always be on either the gas or the brakes. The concept of just coasting or being a passenger is not accessible.
I went through quite a few bad phases but now I'm in a good place because I have a fulfilling sex life with a husband who treats me with affection and respect.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not recommending this as an exercise for everyone. Perhaps, I should make myself clearer by explaining that I didn't give up initiating sex in order to get my H to initiate sex more often. I gave it up for the same reason a person might quit smoking or eating Twinkies or any other pleasure-seeking habit acquired in youth that you find is now a liability in your life. While it's true that initiating sex is not a habit universally held to be "bad", looking back on my sexual life, I could pretty easily see that it had never really been a good relationship building activity. After all, even men who self-identify as HD when surveyed will say that they would like it if their female partners would initiate sex about 1/3 of the time, not all of the time, or most of the time or even 1/2 of the time. If you read between the lines of this statistic what you learn is that most men want to self-identify as HD and in order to do that they have to find themselves initiating sex more often than their partner.
One of the funny things that has resulted from my "exercise" is that even though I really never initiate sex anymore, since my H is still kind of stuck in the rut of thinking of me as HD, I think it's possible that he would say that I do initiate sex quite a bit of the time. For instance, if I walk in the room and take my shirt off, in his mind I am initiating sex when really I'm just changing my shirt.
But, the above digression is really not the point. Giving up initiating sex is not really what improved my relationship. The mindset I finally achieved by forcing myself to go through the exercise of giving up initiating sex is the real reason for the improvement. The same positive result might be reached by any exercise that involves giving up control of the situation (positive or negative, HD or LD, taking your foot off the gas or the brakes) and attempting to gain control over your own behavior and emotional reactions. I should add that it does no good to change your behavior if you don't also change your emotional reactions. It does no good to quit initiating sex but keep feeling angry or deprived and it does no good to stop turning your partner down when he/she initiates if you keep feeling resentful or oppressed.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
. I left the board cold turkey because I knew that it had become part of the problem rather than part of the solution for me. As you might guess from my subject heading, I've returned to share my success story rather than to seek more support. I've tried to start this post a couple times but I'm finding it difficult to explain how I finally achieved success. Perhaps, this is because the phrase "achieved success" doesn't really have the right connotation. In fact, it almost has exactly the wrong connotation.