The answers not very easy or very defined at the moment.
What specific actions would you like to see from your husband besides not pressuring you to have sex or get a job?
Sex in the physical aspect is not the issue. I still hold no resentment for my H's physical needs. The fact that sex seems to white wash all other problems is the issue hence the no nookie stance I am now taking. I no longer want to particapate in hollow meaningless sex. That means nothing more then physical release on my part. And quite frankly I am not interested in having sex with anyone that there is nothing more to it then the physical. I want a chance at emotional sex. And I don't really want to have sex with anyone who is willing to just take the shallow side of it that I bring to the table at this point. In a word I am no longer interested in just MBing with a partner.
H is not really pressuring me to get a job. But he has been trying to manimpulate me with his You need to get a job I dont want you to get a job and control tactics and guidlines of what type of job what hours where I can and can not work blah blah. Since it is me gonna be working then it is me that will determine what I do where I do it and when I do it. Point blank how it is from her on out.
I think in one post you indicated that you wanted to be in a relationship with someone with whom you could talk and share your dreams and problems
Yes this are important things to me.
What actions have you taken to make yourself the kind of person with whom your H would want to share
Of late probably not alot in truthfulness. Someone said something about boring people being bored and boring others on another post. Sign me up for that one. I bore myself. But I do regress I blame myself for allowing my H to make me such a boring person through fear of his jealousy and temper. And I blame my H for installing that fear in me.
Up until three years ago when I stepped into falling apart Chrissy mode. People said I had a magnetic personality. That my confidence and personality mix made me a very interesting person. Plenty of people were interested in me and what made me tick and how I formed my view points and beliefs. All except my own H. Who never seemed to notice me or always said he could not understand what I was saying.
Have you tried to figure out what it is about you that might be making you not "sexy" to your husband in the area of conversational intimacy?
No not sexy but maybe intriguing. Unfortunetly my H is not one that is intrigued easy. He is not one to search for deeper meaning or hidden meaning. He is basic.( Not saying that in a slighting mannor). Most conversations start with I don't know and end with I don't understand with him. It is as if we almost speak in different languages.
H and I lack the ability to have any conversations not just meaningful ones. Okay I don't have much to contribute in a conversation these days outside of personal conjection due to my lack of life outside of home experiences these last three years. H who does work and is now doing the GAL (gym mainly, kids sports) Does not really have much to bring to the table in conversation. Showing me your muscles and talking sports is not of real interest to me. Though because of my kids I am trying to understand at least the basic rules of the games. Put us into a real conversation with any depth and even a varying degree of opinion and expect either a arguement or for one or both to just walk away frustrated with the other. We have no communication skills with each other. Again fear/defeatedness hinders my communication skills in ths relationship and I am not sure about what hinders his.
I'm really trying to be helpful to you by being a little bit tough in this regard
I thank you for that
I am trying to imagine the man who would be all about sharing intimate conversation and not so much into sex and I'm drawing a blank.
I am not looking for that. I think my persona and my ability to be a little wide open on the board on sexual issues should show I am not LD nor do I have hang ups about sex per say. I am looking more for a relationship with a 60-40 balance with the emotional/basic relationship being the higher side and sexual side being the lower in line of importance of what makes a relationship. Currently the balance of importance between my H and myself in this scale is no where near this. And until it is I will not feel we have a relationship just a empty marriage. Where to go from there is a big ?
I am not going to pretend that I am not aware that where I am mentally regaurding our relationship is not going to hinder me from seeing any progress for quit some time. I distrust my H's intentions everything he says and everything he does. I am not lying about this and I am well aware this will be a huge stumbling block. I have also made my H aware of this very fact. I am plum out of blind faith and I lack any kind of trust of him and his intentions. I don't know how long if ever I will ever stop viewing him as manipulative and controlling and viewing his actions as being manipulative and controlling. There is a 15 year history of it so how long will it take to not only break the cycle but make me feel secure in it being real and not a ploy? Balto made a valid point in his post to me. That I am not in a place where I will be able to discern real intent from my opinion of what his intent is. Which sucks for the H if he ever decides to really try to form a relationship instead of being sex partners and parents raising kids together. And sucks for me because he may get to the point of giving up any efforts he is making before I ever realize he is making a true effort. Hence the to little to late theroy in life.
Interesting enough H and I did talk today. Before I left to put a job application in. I had H read my thread from where he left off last time to todays post. I guess my statement about him not being interested in finding out why Chrome and I were discussing how bad I feel about wishing he would die in the past by reading past post to see what we were talking about and that I found that as a lack of interest in what I think and feel prompted him to skim over some of my other post. Now on this thread I talk about how I feel about him,me our relationship my relationship with my grandmother my dad so many things. You know what he finds to make comment about a small reference to my ex boyfriend between me and Blackie. And how I had been thinking about the dynamics of the relationship alot lately not the person but the relationship. I bite my tongue and just went to put my job resume in. But in the course of the hour I was gone I got a screaming headache from stuffing how I felt about his response or lack of response. H returned home and it was nearly time to leave for baseball. But I called him outside and told him that I was really upset with him. He asked why so I told him. In everything that I have said on this thread all the things I lay out there so open and you only can say something regaurding a sentence about my ex. That I find that sad that I have given him the keys to get insight into everything I have been feeling thinking and righting for 10 months and you have nothing to say. I just told you via my journal that I have no interest in having sex with you since it allows you to keep your head burried in the sand about the bigger issues. He responded how long with out the sex, My mind is screaming how ever long it takes, He says he does not know how long he can do that. At this point I did the girly thing and started crying. H said he did not understand alot of what I am saying in my post or others are saying to me in there post. I just asked him if he did not ever think to ask me my meaning so he could understand what I am saying and going through. No real answer. We talked about my depression and the fact he does not understand it. There are a zillion help books out there for spouses of depressed people to help you understand it.
Conversation went from there to a very low key convo about how I am the closest to leaving or kicking him out that I have ever been. If I am going to feel this lonely I would rather do it all alone. But in truth I doubt I will ever truely leave because I don't want to be without my kids. But I will be done trying even if I am here.
Gonna have to end here and go to bed I am mentally whipped out.
