I think for years my anger gave me drive. A drive to achieve and overcome. But since I have realized I have FOO issues brought on from the same things that drove me before. I feel like I only had myself convinced I overcame hence I really achieved nothing. I am the victim I always strove not to allow myself to be. That has been a real slap to my own personal self respect and esteem.
Are you seeing a C about the depression regularly?
No but I am sure this is a step I will need to take in the near future. I have a few things I feel I need to address on my own prior to doing this to make it more benificial. Simple things like making myself get up in the morning once I wake up instead of lying in the bed getting dressed every day and so forth.
It almost sounds like your H is acting like an abusive father figure to you.
Oh see this one stands out to me. My overbearing mean step father and my H's behaviors are so simular. So is the way I think about them due to this and respond to them. Its like they have overlapped and became one to me in some ways. My step dad was being a ass while I was home. My H told me that I did not have to stay there and take it I could leave. My response oh he just reminds me of you and your right I don't have to stay around and take it.
Why does your H mistrust you so? Is he projecting from previous R's?
My H pretty much looks at all woman as whores out to mistreat a man. Why I don't know. But if he sees someone who is married talking to another male he always labels them as trash. My H has been dumped before but hey who is not when you are young. Maybe he has never moved past it. As where I have the ability to be good friends with people that I have once dated. I cannot think of to many ex's that with time I have not be able to be friends with. My H also never really had a lot of girlfriends from what I can figure. So maybe he is insecure because a lot of people were not interested in him. I am not really sure he changes his story a lot.
I plan to get caught up on your thread in the next day or so. I am sure I have missed alot since the vaction/business trip
I am not saying to leave but I am saying that you are utterly alone in your understanding of how much trouble the M is in.
I totally agree with this statement.
H walked up on me and asked if I was bitching about my marriage again as I finished my response to your lost post. He read the end of it and I told him he would not understand it unless he read the whole thing. I got up and he read the whole page 8 of my thread. He did not seem interested in reading more of it. (But he also did not fly off the handle at me. There is a start).
If it would have been me I would have started at the begining to see and understand what was being talked about. Not bits and pieces of conversations that refer back to prior statements that I am not aware of. So I guess again I could say he is not trying or to worried about understanding. Not sure what to think about his lack of response.
Gel and Nicky.
Maybe I do know and as you said I am afraid of the next step. I am not really sure at this point if I know or I think I know. As long as there is doubt I keep thinking I need to move slowely since the choices effect more then myself.
You pretty much answered and summed up your situation pretty well, but there were a few things you said that particularly stood out.
Quote: I am the victim I always strove not to allow myself to be. That has been a real slap to my own personal self respect and esteem.
What should be a boost to your self-esteem is that most people who fight desperately against becoming a victim end up becoming one, and most never realize it. You have. You can do something about it because you have knowledge, and knowledge is power.
Quote: I have a few things I feel I need to address on my own prior to doing this to make it more benificial.
Don't pull a Glob and wait until the stars, galaxies, planets, Sun, and Moon are all in perfect alignment before you decide to do something. The best time to get help is as soon as possible.
Quote: My response oh he just reminds me of you and your right I don't have to stay around and take it.
Very perceptive. What are you going to do about it? Do you have the will to not "stay around and take it?" I'm not necessarily saying S/D, but you are right, you don't have to take it. Unfortunately saying and knowing that are a lot easier than doing something about it.
Quote: My H pretty much looks at all woman as whores out to mistreat a man.
Does he view you the same way? I cannot imagine how you could ever have a good relationship with him if he does.
Quote: So maybe he is insecure because a lot of people were not interested in him. I am not really sure he changes his story a lot.
I can relate to the first statement, although I am beginning to wonder if I was just deluding myself. Maybe all of his abuse/neglect is just heightened bravado attempting to cover up deep insecurity about himself. If that is the case, how can you make him feel more secure? Is it worth it to you?
Best wishes C
Chrome (is back)
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I first need to get myself back in the habit of following through. I really lack at this at this time. I have all kinds of great intentions then lose the drive to see it through because the bed is so enticing.
Unfortunately saying and knowing that are a lot easier than doing something about it.
I am trying to form a game plan with the follow through on this.
Right now I have to desire to do something about this a little shaky on the will power lol. I am really more focused on the what to do about it. Right now leaving seems to be the best or maybe easiest option. But with my H's new found outside of the sex comment he thinks we have a pretty good marriage. I am struggling to find a reason to keep trying. It seems everything I have said over and over again in the last year has not registered with him. Karen said but I am saying that you are utterly alone in your understanding of how much trouble the M is in. And she could not have been more right. My H's comment really brought this home. Though I have strove to get over the resentment of my H's sexual needs. I have done the schedule to make sure I was fufilling these needs at a somewhat regular basis and made him aware that this was something I was doing for him because it mattered to me. I find my initial fear in doing this has come to light. If I met these needs H would think all is well. I said in the begining as long as we are having sex H will think we are okay. 10 months later I find I am right he does. It is no real surprise I was just hoping I was wrong.
Pretty much I am done with this. I am tired of being overlooked as long as his physical needs are being met. As I said I am done with my marriage as it is. My H wants to change my opinion of him it will be in a SSM because I am no longer interested in meeting his needs on this level if it is going to blind side him to mine.
I have not had sex with Richie since I went to Ohio this last time. Nor will I if I have anything to say about it. He said he realizes the damage done will take time. His actions will have to speak louder then words on this one. So far he is falling awefully. He tries to be nice but 10 minutes later shows it was in a attempt to get laid.
Anyhoo as it stands until my H wants to address all the issues of our M there is no sex in the Chrissy household. (Sorta sucks for me in the physical aspect good thing I am not against MB like alot of other folks).
Does he view you the same way?
Yes pretty much so under the surface. It would explain all the wild things he has thrown at me over the years. And his jealousy. But it is his problem not mine. Until 2 years ago I never had given him reason to rant at me about these kind of things. But had been endurring it for the whole course of our relationship. I won't even go there anymore.
If that is the case, how can you make him feel more secure?
I can't that is his cross to bear. These insecurities have been there alot longer then I have been in his life. And they will ruin every relationship he has if he does not control them. They do not relate to me but himself so he has to deal with them I am tired of suffering from them.
Is it worth it to you
At the moment not so much. Me getting better is what is worth it to me. And it will take some real firm not so comfortable boundries to make us ever work I don't see my H willing to walk that route and I am not willing to bend anymore.
He tries to be nice but 10 minutes later shows it was in a attempt to get laid.
Are you sure you would have the ability to separate these two things in your mind if it really was two separate things? Or are your perceptions too clouded?
What I mean is this. Of course he wants to get laid, it is the natural state of being. Assume he always wants to get laid. Hell, I always want to get laid. I did what you suggested with the flowers with my W. I thought it was a nice idea. Now, keeping in mind that I always want to get laid, did I do it so I could get laid? The answer is no. I did it because it was a nice gesture (and I'm a terrific guy who knows a good idea when he hears it).
If he did something nice, is it ONLY because he wants to get laid? If not, would you be able to see that in your current emotional state?
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
After a nice hour or a nice jesture. Do your hands give your intent away? H's does which makes everything nice no longer a nice. Could I see other wise not at this point no I will give you that. Because the past proves different and when the same things lead to the same actions on his part in my mind there is no difference. This is one of those things that as I stated will take me a long time to change my opinion of. Hence the lack of pressure for sex is the only way I will be able to see this as different. And I don't see my H as having this in him.
I am glad to hear about the flowers did your wife like them? was she surprised? Did you try to have sex last night? Pressure your wife in any way so she would think hmmm the flowers were just forplay?
I'm not saying you are wrong, just trying to give you a different perspective.
My W got the flowers today and no I won't be pressuring her for sex as I'm going out with a friend from out of town tonight. She asked why did I get them for her. I said the reason is on the card (I pretty much used your words, just rearranged them. Thank you very much). My son asked who they were from. I think he was worried that mom had a BF.
My only thing I was trying to get across is if your H's hands would be wandering with or without the nice gesture, then the nice gesture isn't simply to get sex. You know you aren't in a position to believe that, so you already have done the hard part of acknowledging your bias. As long as you are aware that it exists, you can respond accordingly.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
What specific actions would you like to see from your husband besides not pressuring you to have sex or get a job? I think in one post you indicated that you wanted to be in a relationship with someone with whom you could talk and share your dreams and problems. What actions have you taken to make yourself the kind of person with whom your H would want to share? What I mean by this is that HD people spend a lot of time trying to figure out what it is about them that is maybe making them not sexy to their spouse. Have you tried to figure out what it is about you that might be making you not "sexy" to your husband in the area of conversational intimacy?
I'm really trying to be helpful to you by being a little bit tough in this regard because I am trying to imagine the man who would be all about sharing intimate conversation and not so much into sex and I'm drawing a blank.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I in now way was trying to say you were off base in what you were saying.
I am very jaded in my view of my husband. I easily admit this at this point.
Had a long talk with him and pretty much laid it all out this afternoon. I will come back and tell you how it went but gotta get to my sons baseball game.
