Old age is so sad.

[chromosphere]

"I always think that other people who don't worry about these things have it all figured out as to where there life is going and what they want out of it. Leaving me feel more ucky about my own choas of mind."

Ignorance is bliss. Life is chaotic, is unfair, and can be very harsh. Feeling yucky about life is understandable, just don't let it overwhelm you to the point of feeling like NOTHING is worthwhile.

"It would have meant the world to me if he would have said I miss your smile your laugh your eyes the sound of your voice anything like that but nope just hurry up and get home so I can get laid. It all left me feeling very sad. And alone and like that is all I am worth to him. Don't really know how to explain it."

I think you explained it very well. And I think that is a common problem. I'll bet my W hears me say "I just want to get laid" when I complement her sometimes, even if I don't mean it that way. Is it possible that your H just isn't very good at adroitly expressing his love and caring for you?

"I feel quilty about these thoughts. People are not suppose to wish someone else dead. At least not just because it would make there life easier or more peaceful. It makes me feel like a aweful person when these thoughts cross through my mind."

Feeling guilty is fine, but just remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel, there just IS the way you feel. Your feelings about your H are just that, neither necessarily wrong or right. It is how you choose to respond to those feelings that can be wrong or right.

You should not be ashamed of having a desire for an easier or happier life. But it is your conscience that tells you there are certain things you can't do to acheive that. Your emotional mind is telling you things would be better if H wasn't there. That may be true or not, you may never know.

"Part of it is because to appease my H I have cut off friends and so forth in my life. I have no one to speak to other then my family who live far away. So I have no one to do things with.
In my marriage no I don't feel important or understood at all. Nor do I feel excepted which accounts for alot of the loneliness I feel even when with I am in my H's presences."

I think the no friends dynamic is one you are going to have to break or else your M is doomed. That's JMHO, but it is crystal clear to me that you are drowing in this M. I don't think the M has to fail, but I can't see how it can continue as it is. Everyone has the basic need to feel accepted, especially from their SO. How can you possibly attain intimacy and EC without it?

"Yes sex is just sex to me there is no EC. Even when there is a O it does not leave me feeling fufilled or loved or loving it is a hollow act of nothing but physical energy.
And it saddens me greatly."

Ugh, that saddens me too. Especially for someone who is so obviously in tune with their sexuality. I don't know what to say here Chrissy, I'm too much of a novice in this area.

"Which we all know I am not LD nor am I a inhibited person so I don't really understand why with the H there are no warm and fuzzys and lube is usually required (not due to size problems either)."

It is clear to me. No EC = difficulty with arousal. Harley explains it better than I could in HN/HN. Without an atmosphere of affection, arousal is difficult if not impossible for most women.

"Once it is spent things are still as they were prior to the surge of emotions that brought it on. Nothing ever seems to change around here no matter what so?"

But anger is one of those emotions that can fuel change as it can be the glue that keeps your boundaries in place. I'm not talking about out of control fury. I'm talking about letting anger give you resolve.

"My H is seldom in my day dreams it is usually just me and my kids. Living somewhere else and differently. Not all of the different ways revolve around my H and his absense. But I live with slobs and hate it so in my day dreams my kids are not slobs my house is clean lol."

LOL, daydreams about a clean house, LOL. That's rich. Seriously though, the fact that you don't daydream about better days with the H is a bit troubling.

"But now it seems like things I never felt pressured by like what to make for supper now is a huge thing that sends me of to escape land."

A classic sign of depression. Things you enjoy are no longer enjoyable. Things that were once easy are impossibly hard. I know you have seen a doctor in the past and have taken medication. Are you seeing a C about the depression regularly?

"So I think that will be good for my state of mind."

Absolutely right. The one thing that severely depressed people forget to do is keep living. So long as you keep doing things, you can usually stave off the worst stuff. Keep it up Chrissy. You CAN have a good life.

"I had not been allowed in a place like that in over 13 years without the H. And because of his jealous behavor opted to stop going at all. I was there for 5 hours never moved from the table except to pee. I felt terrified that my H was going to either crawl out of the walls or lambast me about being there and accuse me of all kinds of things."

Why does your H mistrust you so? Is he projecting from previous R's? I can definitely appreciate the "not have fun" thing. It really sucks. It almost sounds like your H is acting like an abusive father figure to you. I'm not a psychologist though, so don't take my word on it. The amount of control he wields on you is unhealthy.

Be well Chrissy.

Chrome