WARNING, this is VERY long, so grab a cup of coffee to keep yourself awake. LOL
Hot tea in hand coffee yuck!
Let me just say though, that if someone doesn't struggle with those questions, I actually worry about them more than someone who does. Most likely they are dead emotionally
That is a different way to look at it. I always think that other people who don't worry about these things have it all figured out as to where there life is going and what they want out of it. Leaving me feel more ucky about my own choas of mind.
isn't special to someone or several someone's IRL.
I am to my kids I know that. I am special to my H in some ways just not the ways I want to be lol. Perfect example while away in a conversation with H. He makes a comment about me needing to come home so he can give me some loving referring to sex. It really upset me. It would have meant the world to me if he would have said I miss your smile your laugh your eyes the sound of your voice anything like that but nope just hurry up and get home so I can get laid. It all left me feeling very sad. And alone and like that is all I am worth to him. Don't really know how to explain it.
Your thoughts about your H dying are nothing to be ashamed about.
I feel quilty about these thoughts. People are not suppose to wish someone else dead. At least not just because it would make there life easier or more peaceful. It makes me feel like a aweful person when these thoughts cross through my mind.
you truly do not want to see him dead.
No I don't most of the time. I think about the great loss it would cause in my boys lifes. Which again makes me feel guilty for thinking the thought in the first place.
Why are you lonely Chrissy? Do you feel like no one understands or cares about you?
Part of it is because to appease my H I have cut off friends and so forth in my life. I have no one to speak to other then my family who live far away. So I have no one to do things with. In my marriage no I don't feel important or understood at all. Nor do I feel excepted which accounts for alot of the loneliness I feel even when with I am in my H's presences.
Is this the case for you? Do you feel like most of the time sex is hollow?
Yes sex is just sex to me there is no EC. Even when there is a O it does not leave me feeling fufilled or loved or loving it is a hollow act of nothing but physical energy. And it saddens me greatly.
Are you to the point where you are apprehensive about it?
Apprehensive no. Do I look forward to it with great excitment no. Does the thought of having sex send great tingles of anticipation through me no. Its more of a what ever thing between me and him. Which we all know I am not LD nor am I a inhibited person so I don't really understand why with the H there are no warm and fuzzys and lube is usually required (not due to size problems either). Until I can reach a point of responding to the physical urge to O more then the person.
Nothing my W or anyone else did to me sparked any anger. I know realize how very dangerous it is to be in that state. Are you sure you are thinking this way due to awareness and logic, or is it a by-product of your depression?
Not really sure I just know that it seems like a worthless emotion that does not achieve anything so why put the effort into it. It does not matter it changes nothing for the good or even bad. Once it is spent things are still as they were prior to the surge of emotions that brought it on. Nothing ever seems to change around here no matter what so?
A wife that is hot for me, night/days/mornings of passionate lovemaking, lots of romance and affection.
My H is seldom in my day dreams it is usually just me and my kids. Living somewhere else and differently. Not all of the different ways revolve around my H and his absense. But I live with slobs and hate it so in my day dreams my kids are not slobs my house is clean lol.
I work well under pressure
Oddly I always did. In my last real job it was well noted that I seemed to thrive under pressure. But now it seems like things I never felt pressured by like what to make for supper now is a huge thing that sends me of to escape land.
You need to break out of that cycle Chrissy. How can you do it?
I am trying. Little things like making myself get dressed and go somewhere even if it is just the tanning bed or the store for something we don't have to have today but need to restock for one day. Going to my kids sporting events even if they are a hours away. It is still forcing myself out of my comfort zone of my bed. Going back to this job even though it is only part time will help with that also. I will have to get up and get dressed and look decent on a semi daily basis. So I think that will be good for my state of mind.
If I may ask, why does this particular thing get you into such a panicked mood? With everything else in life that can cause stress, why is this thing such a burden for you? What can you do to lift that burden?
Don't know just don't want to deal with his bullshit maybe. I just realized how big this is in my life. My sister and myself met up with some of her friends at a dance club while I was in Ohio. I was all excited about it. But the moment I stepped into the place I became panicky and felt out of place. I had not been allowed in a place like that in over 13 years without the H. And because of his jealous behavor opted to stop going at all. I was there for 5 hours never moved from the table except to pee. I felt terrified that my H was going to either crawl out of the walls or lambast me about being there and accuse me of all kinds of things. I had a lousy time. Which effected my sisters enjoyment also. The sad thing is I told my H I was going ahead of time. I was not hiding it but I was in a pure panick the entire time I was there and no matter how my brain could logic that I was being silly nor hom many times my sister tried to assure me things where fine. I felt trapped and frozen in some odd fear of my H. Why I don't know. How to change it I don't know that either.
I hope I didn't step on any toes, especially since my 250 lb weight would hurt really bad
As long as you only step on my left foot I think I could deal with it. The right foot is still healing from my recent breaking of it lol. 250 not bad for your height. My H is alot shorter then you and weighs about the same!
In truth nothing you said would be stepping on my toes. I appreciate your concern and advise on the matter
