Grams is getting worse so I am leaving for Ohio Monday. I did not ask I just informed the H. I know he is not happy but oh well this time.
Also going to go back to that farm I worked at in Oct/Nov doing school tours again starting second week in April. Pays is crappy and hours are only PT 20/30 week but it will do until I find something better.And if nothing else it will give me something to do until June when the kids get out of school.
Sorry to hear about your grandma. Please have a safe trip.
Glad to hear about the job. Good steps.
Take care of yourself,
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
It's good to have a familiar "face" back. Boy, with you and Chrome gone it's been lonely.
You've been in my thoughts, hope all is well.
Hugs, nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
So glad to see you are back. I hope this reply isn't stunted by virtue of it being VERY late. Maybe it will not be apropos anymore. If so, just indulge me. WARNING, this is VERY long, so grab a cup of coffee to keep yourself awake. LOL
Quote: That things are never gonna get better that this is my life from her on out. My life is never going to amount to anything. How I have failed my children over the years. How I have failed as a wife a person a friend. And sadly how much easier my life would be if my H would just die. No more conflict fights nothing for me and the kids (always feel guilty about that one which causes another cycle of depression to hit as to how I can be so terrible of a person to think or feel that way). These are all things that I have thought and felt over the last four years.
VERY powerful and VERY revealing words. It shows that you have a deep passion for life, you are not content to tread water. I know how you feel. What does this life really mean, how do I fit into that meaning, and what ultimate contribution does my life make to the grand scheme? Tough questions, for which there are generally few answers. Let me just say though, that if someone doesn't struggle with those questions, I actually worry about them more than someone who does. Most likely they are dead emotionally. You are still alive Chrissy, and burning brightly even if you can't see it.
Your life does amount to something. I refuse to believe that someone who comes across as caring and sensitive as you do on this board isn't special to someone or several someone's IRL. The problem is that someone close to you is hurting you, and that hurt is taking all of your focus. But you have to remember that it is because that person is close/special/dear to you that they can hurt you. That is the curse of love. It is the best thing in the world when it works, and the worst when it doesn't. But you are a great person Chrissy, believe it. You are not a failure. You are only a failure if you stop caring.
Your thoughts about your H dying are nothing to be ashamed about. When I first started flexing my R wings during my A, I read some Dr. Phil. One of the questions he asked sent me into a real tizzy. It was "if you could divorce your W with no fear of negative consequences to yourself, your W, or your children, would you do it?" In my heart, at that time, the answer was yes. I cried and cried about it, feeling so ashamed. I asked my C about that later, and she said "what an absolutely stupid question. Of course there are times in our lives when we don't feel close to our spouses, we think about separating, but those negative consequences stop us. But the thing is, those negative consequences, if you really think about them, are rooted in the fact that we love and care about our SO. So the question presents us with a false dilemma, making it seem worse than it is." Very true. The point is that having those thoughts about your H do not make you bad. The guilt and shame you feel show that you still care, that in the deepest recesses of your heart, you truly do not want to see him dead.
Quote: Not much to be truthfull I think I am to resolved to cry. Now if I have a real bad day and it is close to my monthly I tend to become weepy if I dwell on how lonely I am. Only other times I really cry is after sex when it seems so hollow it leaves me cold inside.
Lonliness is a REALLY good reason to cry. It is the worst feeling in the world to me. To me, hell would be floating alone in complete black emptiness with nothing to do and no one to talk to for all eternity. Screw the burning lake of fire, lonliness would be much worse. Why are you lonely Chrissy? Do you feel like no one understands or cares about you?
Non-EC sex, another great reason to cry. Of course, there is a place for it in some cases, but if it is the dominant form of sexual interaction, it can be worse than no sex. Is this the case for you? Do you feel like most of the time sex is hollow? Are you to the point where you are apprehensive about it?
Quote: Now it is more of a calm inside me that no longer reacts from anger often. I have realized anger solves nothing and changes nothing. Again more of a empathy or resolve to just get through the day as best I can feeling.
Careful Chrissy. I understand your logic about anger, but anger has its time and place too. I know exactly how you feel. During my most depressed moments, anger was the farthest thing from my mind. Only the thought of someone harming my family would make me angry. Nothing my W or anyone else did to me sparked any anger. I know realize how very dangerous it is to be in that state. Are you sure you are thinking this way due to awareness and logic, or is it a by-product of your depression?
Quote: Now when I am in bed I either escape into a different world(I have a whole other clean house with perfect kids in my dreams) or I just lay there feeling totally by myself until it becomes so intense that I get back up or finally drift off to sleep.
I hear you loud and clear Chrissy. I have those same thoughts. A wife that is hot for me, night/days/mornings of passionate lovemaking, lots of romance and affection. I have a history of nightmares also. My most common is behind left behind. I am on a group trip somewhere, staying in a hotel, and when I come out of my room to hang out with the other folks, they are already gone off somewhere. Variations on this theme are common to me. I think our dreams do reveal our worst fears and our deepest desires.
Quote: Right now most days it is more something I just don't want to deal with anymore making me think run run run. Yet feeling trapped by my responsibilities and vows so I conflict avoid my own mind set by sleeping.
Very good awareness. I too tend to get lackadaisical when either under or over-burdened. I work well under pressure, but only if I don't stop and think how much pressure there is. Same thing with my M. So long as I don't think about how far away from where I want to be, I get things done. But some days it just overwhelms me.
Quote: Well seldom do I get to sleep before 3am even with sleeping pills my mind does not shut down. So I sleep in in the mornings. Now once I wake up what makes me lie in bed hmmm simple what else do I have to do? Sit on this computer clean other peoples messes watch tv. Gosh there is something worth getting up for. I usually get up right before my son gets home from school. I will lay in bed until then even if I am awake alot of times just day dreaming or playing with the dog.
Not to sound too Clinton-esque, but I feel your pain. I don't lie in bed, but I do daydream some days for hours, not getting work done, dreaming about better things, or just playing around, distracting myself from what I should be doing. I have gotten a lot better about not doing that recently. You need to break out of that cycle Chrissy. How can you do it?
Quote: Thank you for asking sorry I was so clinical the first time.
Not clinical at all.
Quote: And all this is so normal for me it has been this way for years I guess I don't see it as depression as much as my life.
WRONG!!!! Just like my low self-esteem was ingrained in me, but it had to go, these feelings that you have must go Chrissy. Something has to change, either internally or externally. No one should live feeling that their life is worthless or a failure.
Quote: The only thing that elicits that feeling in me of panic attack is when I go somewhere and I know my H is gonna get pissy because I was gone to long. Like the day I went and looked for a job. Or when I can tell he is in one of his bad moods.
If I may ask, why does this particular thing get you into such a panicked mood? With everything else in life that can cause stress, why is this thing such a burden for you? What can you do to lift that burden?
I hope I didn't step on any toes, especially since my 250 lb weight would hurt really bad. Feel free to answer/respond or not as you see fit.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Yes I am back got back yesterday late afternoon just before s11 got home from school. S11 had a hard time with me being gone for 7 days. So I spent most of the evening cuddling with him. Hence not much time to respond to your post. I am fine thank you for thinking of me. My frame of mind is a little more rested. So hopefully I will not be so all over the place for at least a few days lol.
I have got tons of housework to do so catching up will be slow around here. Plus track and two kids in baseball in two different counties will be filling my evenings. I also start my job next week so my days will be a bit fuller for a while and I wont have as much time to just ponder the bad.
Nothing really changed on the marriage front but I did not expect it to in a week. I do plan on sitting down with the H one day this week and trying to have a long talk. I just need to get it sorted out in my head how to say what I mean in a way he can understand it.
Again thank you for thinking of me I will have more time in the next few days to get everyone caught up and caught up on everyone else.
Lonely with out all my helter skelter babble hmmm the boards must have been slow then lol!
I see you thread has taken on the aspect of a religous conversation. Gonna stay out of that one lol. I am all about God and religion just hate people that hide behind it to justify there own opinions.
House work tons to do also moving D19 out tomorrow and got track and baseball going on tonight so urghh the housework is gonna have to wait(its not my mess anyhow lol)
I will be catching up in the next few days.
Hope you have a wonderful day it is 63 degrees here today I might look for a minute to go check out my flower beds!
WARNING, this is VERY long, so grab a cup of coffee to keep yourself awake. LOL
Hot tea in hand coffee yuck!
Let me just say though, that if someone doesn't struggle with those questions, I actually worry about them more than someone who does. Most likely they are dead emotionally
That is a different way to look at it. I always think that other people who don't worry about these things have it all figured out as to where there life is going and what they want out of it. Leaving me feel more ucky about my own choas of mind.
isn't special to someone or several someone's IRL.
I am to my kids I know that. I am special to my H in some ways just not the ways I want to be lol. Perfect example while away in a conversation with H. He makes a comment about me needing to come home so he can give me some loving referring to sex. It really upset me. It would have meant the world to me if he would have said I miss your smile your laugh your eyes the sound of your voice anything like that but nope just hurry up and get home so I can get laid. It all left me feeling very sad. And alone and like that is all I am worth to him. Don't really know how to explain it.
Your thoughts about your H dying are nothing to be ashamed about.
I feel quilty about these thoughts. People are not suppose to wish someone else dead. At least not just because it would make there life easier or more peaceful. It makes me feel like a aweful person when these thoughts cross through my mind.
you truly do not want to see him dead.
No I don't most of the time. I think about the great loss it would cause in my boys lifes. Which again makes me feel guilty for thinking the thought in the first place.
Why are you lonely Chrissy? Do you feel like no one understands or cares about you?
Part of it is because to appease my H I have cut off friends and so forth in my life. I have no one to speak to other then my family who live far away. So I have no one to do things with. In my marriage no I don't feel important or understood at all. Nor do I feel excepted which accounts for alot of the loneliness I feel even when with I am in my H's presences.
Is this the case for you? Do you feel like most of the time sex is hollow?
Yes sex is just sex to me there is no EC. Even when there is a O it does not leave me feeling fufilled or loved or loving it is a hollow act of nothing but physical energy. And it saddens me greatly.
Are you to the point where you are apprehensive about it?
Apprehensive no. Do I look forward to it with great excitment no. Does the thought of having sex send great tingles of anticipation through me no. Its more of a what ever thing between me and him. Which we all know I am not LD nor am I a inhibited person so I don't really understand why with the H there are no warm and fuzzys and lube is usually required (not due to size problems either). Until I can reach a point of responding to the physical urge to O more then the person.
Nothing my W or anyone else did to me sparked any anger. I know realize how very dangerous it is to be in that state. Are you sure you are thinking this way due to awareness and logic, or is it a by-product of your depression?
Not really sure I just know that it seems like a worthless emotion that does not achieve anything so why put the effort into it. It does not matter it changes nothing for the good or even bad. Once it is spent things are still as they were prior to the surge of emotions that brought it on. Nothing ever seems to change around here no matter what so?
A wife that is hot for me, night/days/mornings of passionate lovemaking, lots of romance and affection.
My H is seldom in my day dreams it is usually just me and my kids. Living somewhere else and differently. Not all of the different ways revolve around my H and his absense. But I live with slobs and hate it so in my day dreams my kids are not slobs my house is clean lol.
I work well under pressure
Oddly I always did. In my last real job it was well noted that I seemed to thrive under pressure. But now it seems like things I never felt pressured by like what to make for supper now is a huge thing that sends me of to escape land.
You need to break out of that cycle Chrissy. How can you do it?
I am trying. Little things like making myself get dressed and go somewhere even if it is just the tanning bed or the store for something we don't have to have today but need to restock for one day. Going to my kids sporting events even if they are a hours away. It is still forcing myself out of my comfort zone of my bed. Going back to this job even though it is only part time will help with that also. I will have to get up and get dressed and look decent on a semi daily basis. So I think that will be good for my state of mind.
If I may ask, why does this particular thing get you into such a panicked mood? With everything else in life that can cause stress, why is this thing such a burden for you? What can you do to lift that burden?
Don't know just don't want to deal with his bullshit maybe. I just realized how big this is in my life. My sister and myself met up with some of her friends at a dance club while I was in Ohio. I was all excited about it. But the moment I stepped into the place I became panicky and felt out of place. I had not been allowed in a place like that in over 13 years without the H. And because of his jealous behavor opted to stop going at all. I was there for 5 hours never moved from the table except to pee. I felt terrified that my H was going to either crawl out of the walls or lambast me about being there and accuse me of all kinds of things. I had a lousy time. Which effected my sisters enjoyment also. The sad thing is I told my H I was going ahead of time. I was not hiding it but I was in a pure panick the entire time I was there and no matter how my brain could logic that I was being silly nor hom many times my sister tried to assure me things where fine. I felt trapped and frozen in some odd fear of my H. Why I don't know. How to change it I don't know that either.
I hope I didn't step on any toes, especially since my 250 lb weight would hurt really bad
As long as you only step on my left foot I think I could deal with it. The right foot is still healing from my recent breaking of it lol. 250 not bad for your height. My H is alot shorter then you and weighs about the same!
In truth nothing you said would be stepping on my toes. I appreciate your concern and advise on the matter
I feel about your last post, like I feel about many of your posts. You sound like someone who is emotionally exhausted, who has lost her will to even care what her own feelings are. You sound like someone who no longer loves her H. If that is the case, no wonder you need lube, not wonder you have no EC. You can't create that out of nothing.
I may be off base but that last post reminded me of my feelings in the last couple of years before I left exH. I had already mentally divorced him, his words, hopes, fears, desires bounced off of me like hail on the hood of a car. His touch didn't entice, didn't repel, it was neutral. I wasn't angry just done.
Are you done Chrissy? If so, isnt' it time to tell your H?
WARNING, this is VERY long, so grab a cup of coffee to keep yourself awake. LOL