Old age is so sad.

[chromosphere]

Chrissy,

So glad to see you are back. I hope this reply isn't stunted by virtue of it being VERY late. Maybe it will not be apropos anymore. If so, just indulge me. WARNING, this is VERY long, so grab a cup of coffee to keep yourself awake. LOL

That things are never gonna get better that this is my life from her on out. My life is never going to amount to anything. How I have failed my children over the years. How I have failed as a wife a person a friend. And sadly how much easier my life would be if my H would just die. No more conflict fights nothing for me and the kids (always feel guilty about that one which causes another cycle of depression to hit as to how I can be so terrible of a person to think or feel that way). These are all things that I have thought and felt over the last four years.

VERY powerful and VERY revealing words. It shows that you have a deep passion for life, you are not content to tread water. I know how you feel. What does this life really mean, how do I fit into that meaning, and what ultimate contribution does my life make to the grand scheme? Tough questions, for which there are generally few answers. Let me just say though, that if someone doesn't struggle with those questions, I actually worry about them more than someone who does. Most likely they are dead emotionally. You are still alive Chrissy, and burning brightly even if you can't see it.

Your life does amount to something. I refuse to believe that someone who comes across as caring and sensitive as you do on this board isn't special to someone or several someone's IRL. The problem is that someone close to you is hurting you, and that hurt is taking all of your focus. But you have to remember that it is because that person is close/special/dear to you that they can hurt you. That is the curse of love. It is the best thing in the world when it works, and the worst when it doesn't. But you are a great person Chrissy, believe it. You are not a failure. You are only a failure if you stop caring.

Your thoughts about your H dying are nothing to be ashamed about. When I first started flexing my R wings during my A, I read some Dr. Phil. One of the questions he asked sent me into a real tizzy. It was "if you could divorce your W with no fear of negative consequences to yourself, your W, or your children, would you do it?" In my heart, at that time, the answer was yes. I cried and cried about it, feeling so ashamed. I asked my C about that later, and she said "what an absolutely stupid question. Of course there are times in our lives when we don't feel close to our spouses, we think about separating, but those negative consequences stop us. But the thing is, those negative consequences, if you really think about them, are rooted in the fact that we love and care about our SO. So the question presents us with a false dilemma, making it seem worse than it is." Very true. The point is that having those thoughts about your H do not make you bad. The guilt and shame you feel show that you still care, that in the deepest recesses of your heart, you truly do not want to see him dead.

Not much to be truthfull I think I am to resolved to cry. Now if I have a real bad day and it is close to my monthly I tend to become weepy if I dwell on how lonely I am. Only other times I really cry is after sex when it seems so hollow it leaves me cold inside.

Lonliness is a REALLY good reason to cry. It is the worst feeling in the world to me. To me, hell would be floating alone in complete black emptiness with nothing to do and no one to talk to for all eternity. Screw the burning lake of fire, lonliness would be much worse. Why are you lonely Chrissy? Do you feel like no one understands or cares about you?

Non-EC sex, another great reason to cry. Of course, there is a place for it in some cases, but if it is the dominant form of sexual interaction, it can be worse than no sex. Is this the case for you? Do you feel like most of the time sex is hollow? Are you to the point where you are apprehensive about it?

Now it is more of a calm inside me that no longer reacts from anger often. I have realized anger solves nothing and changes nothing. Again more of a empathy or resolve to just get through the day as best I can feeling.

Careful Chrissy. I understand your logic about anger, but anger has its time and place too. I know exactly how you feel. During my most depressed moments, anger was the farthest thing from my mind. Only the thought of someone harming my family would make me angry. Nothing my W or anyone else did to me sparked any anger. I know realize how very dangerous it is to be in that state. Are you sure you are thinking this way due to awareness and logic, or is it a by-product of your depression?

Now when I am in bed I either escape into a different world(I have a whole other clean house with perfect kids in my dreams) or I just lay there feeling totally by myself until it becomes so intense that I get back up or finally drift off to sleep.

I hear you loud and clear Chrissy. I have those same thoughts. A wife that is hot for me, night/days/mornings of passionate lovemaking, lots of romance and affection. I have a history of nightmares also. My most common is behind left behind. I am on a group trip somewhere, staying in a hotel, and when I come out of my room to hang out with the other folks, they are already gone off somewhere. Variations on this theme are common to me. I think our dreams do reveal our worst fears and our deepest desires.

Right now most days it is more something I just don't want to deal with anymore making me think run run run. Yet feeling trapped by my responsibilities and vows so I conflict avoid my own mind set by sleeping.

Very good awareness. I too tend to get lackadaisical when either under or over-burdened. I work well under pressure, but only if I don't stop and think how much pressure there is. Same thing with my M. So long as I don't think about how far away from where I want to be, I get things done. But some days it just overwhelms me.

Well seldom do I get to sleep before 3am even with sleeping pills my mind does not shut down. So I sleep in in the mornings. Now once I wake up what makes me lie in bed hmmm simple what else do I have to do? Sit on this computer clean other peoples messes watch tv. Gosh there is something worth getting up for. I usually get up right before my son gets home from school. I will lay in bed until then even if I am awake alot of times just day dreaming or playing with the dog.

Not to sound too Clinton-esque, but I feel your pain. I don't lie in bed, but I do daydream some days for hours, not getting work done, dreaming about better things, or just playing around, distracting myself from what I should be doing. I have gotten a lot better about not doing that recently. You need to break out of that cycle Chrissy. How can you do it?

Thank you for asking sorry I was so clinical the first time.

Not clinical at all.

And all this is so normal for me it has been this way for years I guess I don't see it as depression as much as my life.

WRONG!!!! Just like my low self-esteem was ingrained in me, but it had to go, these feelings that you have must go Chrissy. Something has to change, either internally or externally. No one should live feeling that their life is worthless or a failure.

The only thing that elicits that feeling in me of panic attack is when I go somewhere and I know my H is gonna get pissy because I was gone to long. Like the day I went and looked for a job. Or when I can tell he is in one of his bad moods.

If I may ask, why does this particular thing get you into such a panicked mood? With everything else in life that can cause stress, why is this thing such a burden for you? What can you do to lift that burden?

I hope I didn't step on any toes, especially since my 250 lb weight would hurt really bad. Feel free to answer/respond or not as you see fit.

Chrome