What are your thoughts during your most depressed moments?Not just the history of your depression, but what things run through your head
--Hmmm a hard one to answer right off the bat.
That things are never gonna get better that this is my life from her on out. My life is never going to amount to anything. How I have failed my children over the years. How I have failed as a wife a person a friend. And sadly how much easier my life would be if my H would just die. No more conflict fights nothing for me and the kids (always feel guilty about that one which causes another cycle of depression to hit as to how I can be so terrible of a person to think or feel that way). These are all things that I have thought and felt over the last four years.
What makes you cry?
Not much to be truthfull I think I am to resolved to cry. Now if I have a real bad day and it is close to my monthly I tend to become weepy if I dwell on how lonely I am. Only other times I really cry is after sex when it seems so hollow it leaves me cold inside.
What makes you feel angry at the world
Not much. I was very angry for a long time more at myself then the world and at my H I was very angry alot of it based our lack of ability to understand each other ect. Now it is more of a calm inside me that no longer reacts from anger often. I have realized anger solves nothing and changes nothing. Again more of a empathy or resolve to just get through the day as best I can feeling.
But what are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, It use to be the bills and worrying about this I forgot to do or that I need to find time to do. But hmmm I no longer care about the bills mortgage not paid this month nor probably anything else the money is in the bank just don't want to deal with it. Now when I am in bed I either escape into a different world(I have a whole other clean house with perfect kids in my dreams) or I just lay there feeling totally by myself until it becomes so intense that I get back up or finally drift off to sleep.
And the dreams I have always had a history of bad dreams since I was young so I guess that is just from the way I deal with things.
or make you not want to get out of bed in the morning.
Right now most days it is more something I just don't want to deal with anymore making me think run run run. Yet feeling trapped by my responsibilities and vows so I conflict avoid my own mind set by sleeping.
Well seldom do I get to sleep before 3am even with sleeping pills my mind does not shut down. So I sleep in in the mornings. Now once I wake up what makes me lie in bed hmmm simple what else do I have to do? Sit on this computer clean other peoples messes watch tv. Gosh there is something worth getting up for. I usually get up right before my son gets home from school. I will lay in bed until then even if I am awake alot of times just day dreaming or playing with the dog.
only if you feel like sharing
Thank you for asking sorry I was so clinical the first time. Not use to people taking a interest in this aspect of my life. And all this is so normal for me it has been this way for years I guess I don't see it as depression as much as my life.
staved off that "dagger to the chest" feeling that I had 55 minutes out of every hour of the day
The only thing that elicits that feeling in me of panic attack is when I go somewhere and I know my H is gonna get pissy because I was gone to long. Like the day I went and looked for a job. Or when I can tell he is in one of his bad moods.
Well guess I will go climb in bed now hope you had a good night.
