One thing I do know when it comes to feeling safe with someone after they've treated you badly is this....it takes time to feel safe with that someone if/when they finally do change their behavior...and it CAN take quite a bit of time.
Honestly Chrissy, this isn't bashing ya but....from your posts I truly do get the feeling, you want out of this R. I simply am not getting the feeling that you want to invest anything else in it. So, I'll ask again....why are you still in it? Why aren't you moving on? What's keeping you from starting the new chapter in Chrissy's life?
Simply put yes right now I am leaning towards I want out. But I am not sure if it is from the sheer frustration of the feeling I am banging my head against a metal wall after all the trying to make my H understand how I feel or if it is I truely am ready to admit defeat. So I am talking about it and trying to sort it out in my head.
Since there is the fact that my decisions will impact more then myself I am giving it time to see if it is just my frustration making me feel this is a cheeseless tunnel. You know think before you act type thing.
Then there is this other aspect. Part of me trying to avoid the conflict it will create if I leave. And that part of me hopes and prays H will decide to leave. So it will not have to be like last time. I don't want my kids going through that again.
So that is the best and most truthful answer I can find to your question.
Let me point out one more thing that has been waying on my mind lately. The fact that I am not waging one battle but two.
Fighting for what I want in my marriage and sorting through all the rubble. And fighting through my depression. They over lap but are not the same issue all together. I don't feel I have the strenghth to fight both battles at one time. And the depression is one that I have to fight and win or even to fight before I make any progress in any other area of my life. So it seems to be the one I need to take on first. H is not going to patiently wait (nor do I think he should)through this battle he will keep interjecting parts of the other battle into this. Which I fear will defeat or hamper my progress to overcome the depression.
I've been kinda busy posting about 5000 times on my own thread, so I'm a bit behind on yours. But I did notice you mention depression. Could you describe your depression? I went through a pretty serious bout myself back when the EA was going on and immediately thereafter and I may be able to help you sort through it some. And are you seeing a C about your depression? Sorry if you have already answered those questions, you could just point me to the posts in which you did.
Chromo-cuda
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I do remember you mentioning your depression. So, refresh my memory sis, have you seen someone about this recently? Going on any anti-depressants to help get you out of that funk so you CAN think really clearly? Or are ya trying to muddle through it on your own right now?
The depression was diagnoised about 6 years ago and was in a mild form. Was put on a low dose of Celexa. Which they gradually increased over a two year period. When my depressions and my Migraines had gotten to the point of disabling me from working on a daily basis they started changing them around. When they had me on high doses of Lexapro and Depkote is when I became suicidal. After I lost my job I stopped taking any form of meds for depression. Though I did still seek C.
Within a month or two of joining this forum I went back on Celexa for the depression. But I by choice was only taking half the prescribed dosage since there is all this talk of anti depressents actually causing people to become suicidal. Since I had taken them for about 5 months without any of those type of thoughts about 3-4 weeks ago I started taking the 100mg that I was prescribed. Felt it was better to tread the water safely then just dive right in.
I have only seen the C about 4 times since joining the board. But not because I joined here it was more based on the fact she was validating things I did not feel should be validated. Stuff like the dreams I had of dismembering my H nightmares of my H killing me and burying me in the back yard and so forth she stated were normal under the circumstances. Feeling like my life was passing me by was normal under the circumstances. All my anger was normal blah blah. Any thing I found as irrational or not exceptable thoughts were normal in her view under the circumstances. Other then validating what I had to say she offered me nothing and validation was not what I was seeking. That coupled with the fact H was not happy I was seeking C brought me to a place of not seeing the point in continuing.
I am so sorry to hear all this. I am extremely worried about you. You made mention that you are dealing with depression and making the decision to leave H. You said that you have to deal with depression first. This is just my observation from what you have posted and of course only my opinion, but I think that you are never going to get over the depression until you get out of this M.
Quote: That coupled with the fact H was not happy I was seeking C brought me to a place of not seeing the point in continuing.
H was not happy with you seeing a C because you were depressed and had suicidal thoughts???? WTH? How does staying with someone like that encourage you to work through your depression? Remember he said that you being depressed makes him want to leave??? Is that the way a husband cares for his wife (sickness and health, etc)? Does he not show any concern for your physical or mental well being? He won't let you seek counceling, have friends, relationships with family, you said he would freak out about posting on this site...I don't know what to say friend. Maybe he's afraid if you talk to anyone they will say he is wrong and that you should leave. You are a prisoner. Is this a trait you want to see you kids learn? Boys being able to bully women and girls learning that it is okay? I don't know where things are with your kids, but it's something to consider.
This is just my opinion, but you need to get away from him to heal and get healthy. Nothing about the situation you are in appears to be conducive to a healthy lifestyle.
Those dreams you were having sound pretty scary. Do you still have them?
Chrissy, please seek IC. Not the C you saw before, try someone new.
Hugs, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Thank you. But I am sure it sounds so much worse from the outside then it really is. This is my norm and I am very use to this life as is.
You said that you have to deal with depression first.
Yes I really think that until I get a grip on this any other aspect of my life is just going to overwhelm me and I will retreat to my norm of not dealing with it and sleeping to avoid it all. Oddly I just get so tired dealing even with little things that never phased me. Stupid things even answering a question of me on this BB that requires me to think about my sitch can make me run for bed with a overwhelming tiredness. This is why I feel I have to deal with the depression before I make any headway in my life.
but I think that you are never going to get over the depression until you get out of this M.
Toss up in my mind of getting out or just seperating from it until I feel strong enough to deal with it.
H was not happy with you seeing a C because you were depressed and had suicidal thoughts
H understands nothing of my depression did not even realize what was going on at the time. The C was more of a thing of not liking me talking to someone about our R. We had already been to a MC and that left a bad taste in his mouth so he felt it was a waste. Same as he thinks me spending so much time on this board is.
Remember he said that you being depressed makes him want to leave
Again he does not understand what is so bad about my life that I am so depressed. He does not understand that depression is not a choice it is a disease that one cannot simply wake up one morning and be depressed or not be.
Those dreams you were having sound pretty scary. Do you still have them?
Not to the degree I was. I believe that all the fear and feelings I was stuffing was surfacing through them. I no longer stuff these things as much as before so they are not as haunting as they were before. Plus I have come to understand certian things better then I had before about things dealing with my gramps my dad and so forth, Unfortunitly it does not change the way I feel it just makes me understand why I feel this way. And anything that jars these memories makes me respond to them the same way I would my dad or grampa.
I did make a doctors appointment today for tomorrow to see if they will change my anti depressants I just don't want to go on the ones I was on before when I was so suicidal because I am not sure if they may have brought those tendencies to a head. So I will tread slowly with that. I will also see if there is any C that they can recommend that may work pro bono. Or at least dirt cheap.
Feel free to ask if you have any more questions. Hell my life is a open book on here lol. But it is nice to have people that seem interested enough to take the time to help sort through all these issues.
What are your thoughts during your most depressed moments?Not just the history of your depression, but what things run through your head
--Hmmm a hard one to answer right off the bat.
That things are never gonna get better that this is my life from her on out. My life is never going to amount to anything. How I have failed my children over the years. How I have failed as a wife a person a friend. And sadly how much easier my life would be if my H would just die. No more conflict fights nothing for me and the kids (always feel guilty about that one which causes another cycle of depression to hit as to how I can be so terrible of a person to think or feel that way). These are all things that I have thought and felt over the last four years.
What makes you cry?
Not much to be truthfull I think I am to resolved to cry. Now if I have a real bad day and it is close to my monthly I tend to become weepy if I dwell on how lonely I am. Only other times I really cry is after sex when it seems so hollow it leaves me cold inside.
What makes you feel angry at the world
Not much. I was very angry for a long time more at myself then the world and at my H I was very angry alot of it based our lack of ability to understand each other ect. Now it is more of a calm inside me that no longer reacts from anger often. I have realized anger solves nothing and changes nothing. Again more of a empathy or resolve to just get through the day as best I can feeling.
But what are the thoughts that keep you awake at night, It use to be the bills and worrying about this I forgot to do or that I need to find time to do. But hmmm I no longer care about the bills mortgage not paid this month nor probably anything else the money is in the bank just don't want to deal with it. Now when I am in bed I either escape into a different world(I have a whole other clean house with perfect kids in my dreams) or I just lay there feeling totally by myself until it becomes so intense that I get back up or finally drift off to sleep.
And the dreams I have always had a history of bad dreams since I was young so I guess that is just from the way I deal with things.
or make you not want to get out of bed in the morning.
Right now most days it is more something I just don't want to deal with anymore making me think run run run. Yet feeling trapped by my responsibilities and vows so I conflict avoid my own mind set by sleeping.
Well seldom do I get to sleep before 3am even with sleeping pills my mind does not shut down. So I sleep in in the mornings. Now once I wake up what makes me lie in bed hmmm simple what else do I have to do? Sit on this computer clean other peoples messes watch tv. Gosh there is something worth getting up for. I usually get up right before my son gets home from school. I will lay in bed until then even if I am awake alot of times just day dreaming or playing with the dog.
only if you feel like sharing
Thank you for asking sorry I was so clinical the first time. Not use to people taking a interest in this aspect of my life. And all this is so normal for me it has been this way for years I guess I don't see it as depression as much as my life.
staved off that "dagger to the chest" feeling that I had 55 minutes out of every hour of the day
The only thing that elicits that feeling in me of panic attack is when I go somewhere and I know my H is gonna get pissy because I was gone to long. Like the day I went and looked for a job. Or when I can tell he is in one of his bad moods.
Well guess I will go climb in bed now hope you had a good night.
